The black sheep

“I am the black sheep of my family.”. Some of us may have told ourselves this at some point. And surely you have thought this about someone else, whether it be about a family member of yours or a person who is not in your environment.

Someone who is considered the black sheep of the family is usually seen as the outcast of the family, a weirdo in a homogeneous environment. When you think like this, the impression you convey (and the one you take away) is that you are someone defective, with some problem. However, the black sheep has always been described as “bad”, when in reality it is just different.

The black sheep, is it really what we believe?

It is true that sometimes a black sheep is really “strange” by standards “common”, since it may happen that it is as a result of an undiagnosed hidden mental illness. Or he may be a sociopath who violates the boundaries established by society, and therefore his position in the social hierarchy is damaged.

But, surprisingly, many black sheep are kind people with a lot to offer their families and the world. In fact, they are often the best and brightest; They may be the most creative, intelligent or sensitive.

If we stop to think we will realize that in reality, the world is full of black sheep. Think: does your family have one? This question is not as easy to answer as it may seem. For many, black sheep are not physically excluded from the family. In most cases it is something much more subtle: Exclusion is emotional.

There are 3 signs that indicate that there is a black sheep in your family:

One member often, over a long period of time, appears hurt or angry for no apparent reason. Family debate always centers on the same person when he or she is not present. One member is subtly not invited to certain family events or He is kept out of the family news.

So, if most black sheep aren’t really rare and were excluded, what would cause a family to treat one of their own this way? Most likely, the black sheep was not identified as such by a single person but rather be it as a product of family dynamics.

Children’s black sheep

There are various types of family dynamics that we are going to address and define to discover how they can prematurely turn a child into the black sheep of the family.

1. The child who has the least in common with the parents

These types of children differ from their relatives due to their personality, temperament or interests. The parents are bewildered by him and unintentionally they treat you differentlymaking the rest of the family members do the same.

2. The best and the brightest

This type of child threatens to surpass or eclipse one or both parents.. Therefore, whether consciously or unconsciously, parents sabotage him. This way, they will not have to worry about losing their position within the family hierarchy, even if it is at the cost of lowering the child’s self-esteem and excluding them.

3. The child most prone to depression or anxiety

A child with intense or dark feelings or thoughts that parents cannot understand can frighten them. This causes Not knowing how to help him, some family members choose to stay away from him, further aggravating the problem.

4. Sibling rivalry

In some families, there just isn’t enough attention or love to go around.. One or both parents is limited in some way, whether physically (such as a lack of time due to overwork) or mentally (such as substance abuse). Therefore, one of the children may be excluded as a result of this impediment.

5. Parental emotional problems

Some parents may seem very loving towards their children, but in reality they are excluding them in a subtle way. This can be difficult to detect; but the adult with this trait is not able to tolerate certain aspects of himself, so projects those characteristics onto a chosen child and despises him instead. Thus, in this case turning a child into the black sheep is nothing more than a defense mechanism for one of the parents.

6. The neglect of emotional childhood: the most invisible

In some families, all children may receive the subtle (or not-so-subtle) message that their feelings don’t matter. Those who come from these environments They end up internalizing the idea that they are not valid and have no right to be themselves. These children end up excluding themselves and constantly sabotage their happiness.

With any of the six previous causes, the excluded child detects from the beginning that he is someone different, bad or inferior. This is a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, as he ends up acting as he is expected to.

What should you do if you recognize your family in this article? It is difficult to turn around an entrenched family dynamic but all is not lost:

Choose to view your family through a more complex lens. Ask yourself: Is this so? Is this the person I want to be? Is this how I want to treat my brother or son? Share this article with chosen members of your family. Look at the black sheep of your family with different eyes and realize what you have never seen before. Open your heart to your family circle. Let the black sheep know that you claim him.

On the other hand, if you are the black sheep of your family, don’t worry: Not everything is lost. With enough work on yourself, and in some cases with the help of a professional, it is possible to eliminate the toxic shame that a bad family dynamic can cause and become a person who feels worthy of love, respect, and success.

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