The 8 stages of gaslighting in a relationship

The stages of gaslighting describe a process of corrosive psychological manipulation. The creator of such a dynamic seeks to alter the victim’s sense of reality and make them doubt even themselves. Some experts label it as “brainwashing” and they are right because the effect, without a doubt, is the same. If you have lived this experience you know what it means.

Self-esteem remains fragmented, anxiety makes its way into your mind and you stop even trusting your thoughts. Most survivors of this type of abuse usually need therapeutic support. Thus, to avoid falling into the network of a gaslighter It is important to know how to carry out this tactic. Next, we describe its mechanics.

The phases of gaslighting

He gaslighting It is a relational attitude that aims to the victim doubts himself and loses his sense of reality, of his identity and his self-love. Likewise, and It is necessary to clarify that this phenomenon can occur in an emotional, work, family, academic relationship, etc. On the other hand, in a work published in American Sociological Review, They point out something interesting.

Although it is true that psychology has been responsible for delving deeper into this dimension, sociology conceives it as a fact rooted in social inequalities. Also to power differences. There is always one figure that seeks to subdue or control another. The interesting thing is that, in the couple’s sphere, it is carried out through eight stages. We describe them to you.

1. Idealization

Every manipulation exercise begins in a first stage in which to captivate the potential victim. It will deceive you, it will make you believe that they are thoughtful, understanding and very attentive men and women. But beware… In this preliminary phase, the person will idealize you and will make you feel safe to have you under their control. These are the tactics you will apply:

charm and excessive affection, compliments and adulation, creation of a false image, absolute harmony with interests and values.

It is important to understand that The idealization phase is a prelude to the manipulation and emotional abuse that will follow. Also, don’t feel bad for having fallen into the trap of a gaslighter. The victim is never responsible for anything, the fault lies with the person who deceives and manipulates.

2. Gradual devaluation

Personal Relationships magazine describes the effects of victimization by gaslighting. What appears slowly, but progressively, is a form of manipulation that diminishes one’s sense of self, that generates distrust in others and that builds, little by little, post-traumatic growth.

It is a very shocking abusive process that begins in a subtle way in the second of the stages of gaslighting. This is when a constant devaluation makes its way. He or she may begin to criticize minor aspects of your personality, behavior, or comments.. The goal is to make you feel increasingly insecure or inadequate.

3. The exercise of condescension

Condescension is a tactic with which to project in your mind the idea that, far from being selfish, what this figure seeks is the best for you.. In this phase you may come to think that the manipulator is giving up many things to take care of you or prioritize you. But be careful, it is a subtle exercise in emotional control. Keep alert.

4. Consume yourself constantly

If you have started a relationship with someone new, it will help you to understand the stages of the relationship. gaslighting. One of the most significant stages begins with psychological wear. It will seek to exhaust your energies, invalidate your emotions and alter the vision of your reality.. It will be carried out through the following strategies:

Denial and trivialization: At this stage, the manipulator denies or minimizes all of your legitimate concerns or complaints. They may say things like “you’re exaggerating” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This causes you to begin to doubt your own perception and validity of what you think and feel.Creating confusion: he gaslighter will give you contradictory information to confuse you. This may include, for example, denying something he already told you, constantly changing his mind, or even telling you that certain events never happened. Remember the plot of the movie Gas Light (1944) by George Cukor, because the dynamics are the same.Guilt and shame: Another common behavior is to blame yourself for meaningless circumstances. He will make you responsible for his discomfort to have control over you. A work published in Perspectives on Psychological Science describes how this mechanism is even applied to discredit people from marginalized groups who report microaggressions.

5. The appearance of lies

He gaslighter will apply to you the same strategy as Paul Joseph Goebbels: He will repeat the same lies to you over and over again until you doubt yourself and validate them. This person He knows very well that he is altering your reality. Its negative narrative, based on generalized assumptions and accusations, leaves aside concrete and verifiable facts..

Lie with great confidence so that all your psychological resistances are weakened. The ultimate goal is to have control over yourself and the relationship, through a position that will escalate into offenses and abusive behavior.

6. Social isolation

Between the stages of gaslighting There is what is considered the most dangerous: social isolation from your environment. He or she will try to make you disengage from friends and family so that you become increasingly dependent on him or her for emotional support. This makes it easier to control you and harder for you to receive external support. Pay attention to this dynamic to act as soon as possible.

7. The codependency stage

Once it has managed to stop you from having frequent contact with your loved ones, it will make its way in order to build the foundations of codependency. It will make you see that you are like a satellite orbiting around it to survive. Someone very small who must be in that gravitational field to be supported. It will make you a vulnerable person who needs their constant support.

8. Dominion, the triumph of gaslighter

The ultimate goal of the person who plays the role of the manipulator is to have absolute control in the relationship.. In this last stage of gaslighting The objective will be, above all, to preserve that power. And it will do so through more aggressive dynamics and without camouflaging its intentions. Besides, By undermining your self-esteem and making you doubt your own sanity, you feel much stronger and more fulfilled.

Signs that you suffer gaslighting

The stages of gaslighting They make up a form of slow, deep and progressive abuse. As we have pointed out to you, at the beginning, the gaslighter He will appear harmless and trustworthy to gain your trust. However, when he manages to establish the link with you, he begins with the manipulation and what you will experience is the following.

Apologizing excessively. Thinking that you are an inept person. Not understanding why you feel sad. Believing that you are not good for others. Feeling a sense of guilt without knowing why. You begin to justify the person who does you wrong. gaslighting.Doubt yourself and begin to question your decisions.Prefer to distance yourself from everyone so as not to explain your situation.You miss those days when you had the helm of your life and felt good about yourself.

What to do in these situations

Obviously, it is advisable to cut off any type of connection with the person who makes you gaslighting. However, we must tell you that This is not a simple situation, since dependency will mean that you will not always be able to react. Therefore, we recommend that you explain what is happening to you and how you feel to a close person.

By talking to a friend or family member, you will have a more realistic perspective on what you are experiencing. By having support, you will be able to have the support necessary to separate yourself from those who hurt you. The second step is to receive psychological therapy in order to address the trauma caused by this type of relationship. You must rebuild your self-esteem and confidence in your judgment.

Know the stages to act on time

Knowledge is the power to act and prevent. The stages of gaslighting They offer you a very basic map to know which relational path is best to avoid. Make use of your internal compass and calibrate well the north of your dignity and self-love. Whoever loves you does not manipulate you or make you doubt yourself.

Remember that this form of abuse can have serious consequences for your mental and emotional health, as it undermines your self-esteem, confidence, and even your sanity. Act in time and distance yourself from those who want you badly and only seek to have control over you with the purpose of reinforcing their ego.

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