Sometimes it is better to have peace than to be right

Sometimes we forget what the objective of debating is and, because of this forgetfulness, we tend to pay too high a price: our peace and our psychological well-being.

Years ago I read the following sentence: “Be selective in your battles; “Sometimes it is better to have peace than to be right.”. It didn’t leave me indifferent. She seemed wiser and deeper to me than she seemed.

Although the war metaphor takes away some of its meaning, It would be interesting to stop and analyze why sometimes it is better to have peace than to be right. What does this curious phrase mean? What relationship do peace and reason have? Let’s get started.

Pride: the absent protagonist of this phrase

Without direct reference to it, in pride lies the key not only to the phrase itself, but to the need to pay attention to it. Is pride a virtue or a defect? It would be reductionist to define it as one or the other.

The origin of the word may give us clues. It seems to come from Catalan and this in turn from French and its meaning refers to a tendency towards arrogance. It therefore seems that pride has negative connotations or, at least, not very socially desirable. However, in the definition that the RAE gives us of this word we find that Its first meaning does not refer to pride, but to the recognition of oneself, although the second meaning does refer to aspects such as vanity or the feeling of superiority.

It would be interesting to ask ourselves what pride is for or what function it has. The curious thing about this word is that the aforementioned meanings that the RAE shows us are part of the same social and psychological process, taking on different meanings depending on the context in which they occur.

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Pride taken as a sign of love and respect for ourselves protects us from social threats, such as persuasion or humiliation. The problem can appear when pride goes beyond its mere protective function and begins to harm us more than to benefit us… here is the reason for its prominence in the phrase at hand.

Debate and disagree with a purpose

Sometimes we get so caught up in a debate that we forget (or perhaps confuse) why we are having it. Without dwelling on relativism, universal truths and various pretexts, the exchange of opinions as an enriching exercise and a practice to cultivate knowledge does not seem to be experiencing its best moment. When winning over others serves as the main motivation for arguing and counterarguing, the real loser is learning.

The reason… or rather, “being right”, that seems to be the sign of victory in any intersection of ideas expressed in our daily lives.. Reading debates on social networks, one comes across phrases like “I will agree with you when you show me that…”. That is when it becomes clear that, many times, we do not debate to learn, but to win. If we add to this a context of social dialogue in which a phenomenon called post-truth predominates, the possibilities of disagreement through enrichment are reduced even further.

Is your peace or your “victory” more important?

Put in context, the answer seems easy, but in practice, when sensitive topics are touched on, when pride is very present, when we do not communicate with temper and reflection, that is when we distort the meaning of presenting our arguments and listening openly to oblivious

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They do not exist tips to internalize the idea that, sometimes, having peace is more important than being “right.” The only thing that would be interesting to know if it is worth investing time and cognitive resources is to try analyze what real intention we have when starting a debate, an argument or a disagreement. And if this is a healthy intention, one of enrichment and learning, it is also interesting to know what intention the other person has.

When two people express their differences by presenting their arguments and open their minds to listen to and understand those of the other person, it is likely that both will end their dialogue having learned something. However, if this motivation does not occur in one of the two parts (or neither), not only will it be difficult to learn, but stress and tension will prevail.

Being selective is a quality that can save us suffering. In this case, The virtue of choosing how and with whom we disagree can protect something as valuable as our inner peace.