Ostracism in a couple, what does it consist of?

Emotional indifference in the couple is called ostracism. This masked form of abuse occurs when one of the members of the couple frequently ignores the needs, demands or desires of the other, responding with silence or evasion to conflicts or requests.

There is a form of psychological abuse in romantic relationships that we could call ostracism in the couple. In Ancient Greece, To punish those considered dangerous, they were subjected to banishment and isolation. This exclusion ended up becoming a harsh sentence for the person, because without the protection and consideration of the people, he would not survive.

In the field of couples, unfortunately, we can sometimes encounter this ostracism. They tend to be couples in which the fundamental pillar of communication is conspicuous by its absence. Normally it is one of the members who carries out the ostracism towards the other. This indifference includes behaviors such as ignoring the partner, not attending to their communicative or emotional needs, or ignoring them for a substantial time.

For correct communication to take place, it must have three basic elements in its composition: a sender, a receiver and a message.. In this type of relationship based on emotional coldness, there is a message and a sender, but there is no receiver.

The person who is ostracizing is not willing to communicate with his or her partner, He refuses to listen to her and tries to silence her through characteristic behaviors, such as not picking up the phone or leaving the home in which they live.

“Sometimes indifference and coldness do more harm than declared aversion.”

-JK Rowling-

Signs that you are suffering from ostracism in your relationship

We can know if our partner is ostracizing by paying attention to different signs. They are the following:

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Refusal to have a conversation about a contentious topic. It is normal, even healthy, for couples to argue. The key lies in how discussions are managed. When there is ostracism in a couple, what happens is that there is one member who wants to talk to resolve the conflict or reach an agreement, but the other does not support her attitude. It may even be the case that the member who wants to talk is left talking to himself, as if he were talking to the wall, while the other ignores him. We can imagine the damage that this situation, repeated over time, can generate in the victim’s self-esteem.Ignore questions or respond with monosyllables. It is very common for the person who carries out the ostracism to respond with monosyllables, extinguishing the expressions of attention that the other person gives him. The goal is for the other person to end up getting tired and stop talking. The problem is that this generates great discomfort in the couple that is not resolved and accumulates..Avoid all types of contact, physical and visual. The victim does not feel loved in these situations, but the other way around: she feels a very bitter rejection, in fact the idea may appear that she disgusts the other person. This has a direct impact on self-esteem, since The person may end up believing that they do not deserve affection or contact, that they are not desirable or attractive, etc.Do not accompany social events. It is true that each one must be able to preserve their essence within the couple, but it is also true that the couple is there to reciprocate and support. If your partner never accompanies you to an event, meeting, date, etc., it is likely that he or she is not taking these types of needs into account.Not getting unconditional support. Very close to the previous one. The couple is supposed to be an entity that exists to give and receive love and support. If your partner cancels your plans, your dreams or your projects, he does not accompany you, he does not give you encouragement or motivation in this regard, he is not supporting you unconditionally.Not showing affection. Despite everything that may happen – within limits – the couple loves each other. This reality should be a pillar for much of what is built. You can argue, but always with affection, respect and trying to reach agreements that benefit both..

What does the victim feel?

Ostracism in the couple, as we have already mentioned, becomes evident in different behaviors or signals. Sometimes they can go unnoticed since it is not direct physical or psychological abuse. There are no verbal insults or humiliations. The problem is that even in this way, Ostracism can do more harm than direct aggression.

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Sometimes the victim deceives themselves with excuses not to leave the relationship since they think that this indifference is nothing more than a temporary behavior. Also It is normal that you may come to think that your partner has that way of being and that it is your mission to tolerate it and be flexible. or that it simply “isn’t that big of a deal.” Even some people around you can make you believe that everyone has flaws and that it is your partner’s. Therefore, she is destined to have to endure it.

But on the bottom, the victim suffers every day since she cannot anticipate when her partner is going to start ignoring her. It is also common to find yourself perpetually in a state of intense anxiety: in each situation of this type, you accumulate unexpressed messages and unfinished business.

On the other hand, it is also common for the victim to feel fear. He cannot express himself or communicate because his experience tells him that, if he does, he can return indifference and, therefore, also the pain and sadness that it generates.