Sibling fights: what’s the limit?

You’re quiet at home until you hear a scream coming from the children’s room. He gets there and sees his children grappling with each other, like two boxers. The room became a ring. You try to find out who started it and what is the reason for such aggressiveness. The people you love the most don’t understand each other. Where did you go wrong? “Differences between siblings are normal. And the fights within a family they work as a training for life in society, but parents should give their children the notion of the limits of these discussions”, advises Natércia Tiba, psychotherapist and author of the book Mulher sem Script (Integrare Editora). With the expert’s lessons, you’ll see that it’s not as difficult as it seems to teach children the correct behavior in the face of conflict.

How to encourage friendship between children?

Natércia Tiba gives tips to help parents in this mission

· Always bear in mind that being fair to your children does not mean treating them equally, but treating them according to each one’s needs.

· Make different programs with each child and value this time alone with each one. And reinforce how you like them!

· Avoid making comparisons. Praise or criticize, when necessary, but never using the other as a reference.

· The greatest alliance between children is laughter. Encourage your children to play and have fun together.

· Don’t force them to do everything together. It’s normal that they have different tastes and groups of friends.

· Do not put a child to watch the other. Don’t create a snitch among them.

5 conflict situations between your children and how to resolve them

1. Your children start to argue and are suddenly cursing each other. You don’t do anything because you think they should figure it out on their own.

Wrong: when it gets to the point of physical or verbal aggression, it doesn’t matter who started it, you have to stop the fight and ground them. That way, when they start to get upset, they’ll come to terms with it before they go to time-out.

2. “Your eldest son entered the soccer school. You buy one boot for him and another one for the youngest.

Wrong: “If you are going to take your 5-year-old son to get a vaccine for his age, will you also take the 9-year-old?”, asks Natércia. The therapist adds: “Children don’t ‘break down’ if they get frustrated. Explain that, at that moment, the brother needs the boot and that, if one day the youngest goes to play, he will also get his”.

3. Your children are always fighting. To improve this, you enroll them both in team sports, like soccer, but at different schools.

Right: sport is great for a child’s development, but putting both of them in the same school can turn the soccer field into a wrestling ring. Avoid it.

4. It is important that each child has his or her own time alone with the parents. But your husband keeps saying he doesn’t know what to do with your daughter. So, he always goes out with the son and you, with the girl.

Wrong: “Children need moments of exclusivity, yes, but sometimes with the father and sometimes with the mother. This division by sex should not exist”, says the psychotherapist. Dad can try something he and his daughter like, like biking or ice cream.

5. Your children have a nanny at home. Suddenly, she rings the phone at work and it’s them, screaming. You don’t know how the fight started, so you ground them both, without a computer for two days, for example.

Okay: explain that the goal is to get them to unite, but if they got to the point of calling you upset because of a fight, they should be grounded to think about it and not repeat this behavior next time.

When is the right time to intervene?

It depends on each child, but in general, the right time for parents to stop the fight is when one of the children is upset, crying or screaming a lot. “At this stage, the child loses reason and takes thoughtless actions. That’s the time to intervene”, explains Natércia.

· Talk and say that feeling angry does not solve anything. Teach your children self-control.

· Do not break up the fight by shouting. This is an example of out of control.

· Do not accept that they go for aggression in any way, neither physical nor verbal. Violence generates violence!