Self-Sabotage: How it Comes and How to Get Rid of It |

Everything we do that, instead of bringing us closer to our goals, takes us away from them is self sabotage.

For example, we can have a medium/long-term goal that, to be achieved, needs small daily actions in the short term. However, in the name of a more immediate pleasure, we do not comply with such actions, and with each unfulfilled action, we move away from that dream (example: losing weight).

In another example, we often want to leave relationships that are bad for us to be available to those that will potentially make us happier, and yet we keep saying “yes” over and over again to the relationship or person that doesn’t serve us.

Why do we self-sabotage?

You have to understand a little psychology to talk about it.

First of all, let’s keep in mind that absolutely every behavior has an end, a goal. We don’t do anything in life “just because”. We always do something with some goal in mind, even if unconsciously..

Overall, this goal is to eliminate pain and achieve pleasure. Therefore, although we call behaviors that “play against us” self-sabotage, it is necessary to keep in mind that, in some unconscious instance, he is “playing in our favor”.

Let’s look at the first example, weight loss. If every mouthful of chocolate cheesecake or every bite of that delicious slice of pizza immediately gained 2 kilos on the scale? We would hardly allow ourselves “small excesses”.

However, the starvation we go through today is for at least 7 days to lose weight – and the weight we gain by allowing ourselves that extra bit is also for at least 7 days from now. Soon, the immediate pleasure of the fork will always win if the other option is deprivation that will give results up front.

The same goes for toxic and abusive relationships. It’s true, he (or she) doesn’t want commitment, he’s already told us he’s not open to marriage, he doesn’t want children, and that goes against everything we want.

But we have zero guarantees that if you end the relationship immediately, someone else will come along wanting commitment, kids, and marriage. And now what we have is the hug, the kiss, the caress of what is emotionally unavailable – and that feels so good!

If we take into account the same equation that all behavior has a purpose, and that in very simple terms the purpose is to eliminate pain and generate pleasure, what do you think our brain will lead us to choose?

The solution to end self-sabotage

First, compassion for our humanities is important. Yes, we are human, we are flawed, we make choices that don’t suit us… Yes, we self-sabotage countless times. Me, you and all of us!

1. Self-love

Blaming ourselves for self-sabotage will by no means solve the problem.. Quite the opposite. It will diminish our faith in ourselves and our belief in our ability to overcome difficult challenges. Therefore, love with yourself is the first step.

2. One day at a time

Next, it’s important to face every day as they do in Alcoholics Anonymous. Literally, one day at a time.

Literally just today. Only today will you turn down that piece of cake. Only today you will not call him/her. Only today you go to the gym. Only today will you act in a way that benefits you. Only today you will choose the more difficult path. Only today will you distract yourself in the face of temptation and see what it’s like to say no to it.

Just today.

3. Small actions every day

After all, 20, 30, 40 years or more are nothing more than a sequence of “just todays”. And what we want is that, at the end of the day, the sequence of small daily actions that favor you and bring you closer to your goalinstead of letting the little actions that hurt you push you away from him.