Praise in public and correct in private, but without doing harm

Highlight your children’s virtues in public, praise them when they deserve it, but correct their mistakes in private.. The shouting, the loud reproaches and the always recurring comparisons with other children crystallize in a negative way in the self-esteem of the little ones.

The issue of how to correct our children when we are in a public context is a topic as complex as it is delicate.. There are mothers and fathers who simply do not hesitate to stage an entire spectacle based on shouting and criticism, without thinking about the consequences that this may have. Bad behavior, a failure, or an out-of-place word sometimes triggers a drama that is difficult to forget.

However, There is also usually another type of really particular situation that has to do with others.. An example: we go with our children to a shopping center and, for whatever reasons, their attitude is not appropriate. Instantly, admonitory glances appear around, like expectant birds awaiting the sanction. Waiting for the iron discipline where everything is supposed to be solved with a word.

If this does not happen, that subtle label of the “bad father” wave “bad mother”. This social pressure, sometimes, does not take into account the complex labyrinths involved in raising a child, or even the particularities of each creature. We must scold, there is no doubt, and we must correct, it is clear, but we must do it well.

It is essential to educate with intelligencewith love, intuition and with enough success not to hurt, nor to further intensify negative emotions. We suggest you reflect on it.

Public reproaches: subtle ways to hurt

With children it happens like in any other relational dynamic. The person who is accustomed to correcting or punishing his or her partner in public in an accusatory, derogatory or ironic tone does harm.. The manager who punishes his employee in front of others will never be a good leader.

Once again, we must make use of Emotional Intelligence. A reproach made in front of an entire gallery of spectators violates our self-esteem. In this way, our self-esteem can be undermined. Emotional intelligence will help us improve our relationship with others and know how and when to say things.

As psychologist Daniel Goleman states, “Criticism, like all useful feedback, should point to a way to solve the problem. Otherwise, the recipient may become frustrated, demoralized, or unmotivated.“. If we add public criticism to this, the child can be greatly harmed. So if you must point out a fault to someone, it is better to do it privately and offer a way to resolve the problem.

A good pedagogy

AND When we talk about education the topic is even more painful. Some teachers, for example, commit the malpractice of correcting the student’s error publicly and with a derogatory air: “It is clear that you are never going to pass my subject.” In turn, many mothers and fathers tend to thread the upbringing of their children through those sharp needles with the thread of bad pedagogy.

A common mistake is to compare a child’s behavior with that of a sibling or with that of the other child.: “your brother is smarter than you”, “your classmates are smarter and you are always the last in everything”. Comparisons are not the best method to motivate a child. How about we try listening to her and trying to encourage her strengths? Each child is different, with her concerns and interests.

In addition, It can also affect their self-esteem by discussing private aspects of their children with other people in front of the child themselves., as if he couldn’t hear, see or feel. It is a common habit that can negatively influence the little ones. You have to consider this.

There is another very unpedagogical strategy: correcting between shouts, focusing exclusively on the fault or error committed, but without educating and without offering strategies for improvement or guidance. The an attitude that should be avoided.

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Correct with patience and respect to help grow

Correct, guide, discipline, sanction if necessary, set limits,… but always do it with patience, in private and without causing harm. However Does this mean that we should remain “undaunted” when our children misbehave in public? Absolutely.

The typical “slap” that some advocate to stop a child’s disruptive behavior, what it often achieves is to further intensify the anger or negative emotions. Slaps do not educate, they hurt and leave internal marksas well as shouts or derogatory reproaches of the type “You have no choice” or “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

Keys to discipline in public

According to a study carried out by the Family Research Laboratory at the University of Hampshire, scolding our children badly and in public leaves consequences. Both the negative emotions that these children will have every day and the frequency of challenging behaviors intensify. So, it is worth keeping these simple tips in mind:

Leave aside other people’s judgments. Don’t feel pressured by those around you at that moment, when you are in a supermarket, the doctor or on the street. It is not to them that you should show that you are a good father, a good mother, but to your child. At that moment you may feel overwhelmed by shame at your child’s bad behavior, but don’t get carried away by frustration. Use emotional intelligence and empathize with your child to understand what is happening to him and why he shows that behavior. Instead of giving an order with a shout, offers options that invite the child to reflect: “You have two options, either you get up right now or you stay on the ground forever while dad and I go to the park.” Once he obeys you, remember: correct that bad behavior in private. Now, it is enough to end this behavior.

Final reflection

Keep in mind that a child is made of very delicate material. Their emotional world is sometimes chaotic and explosive. However, it is our task to untangle, alleviate, promote strategies of control and self-knowledge so that it matures into happiness. We must be aware that with any out of place gesture or word, we can leave a huge mark on the child.

Be patient and understand their emotions. Understand that the same things that offend you can also hurt him or her. So Remember, it is better to praise in public and correct in private, but without doing harm.

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