The 9 worst mistakes when solving a conflict

Good communication can improve relationships and help increase intimacy and trust with the people we interact with. It is also an ideal and effective strategy to resolve a conflict because we know how to express ourselves assertively, we listen sincerely and we also manage to adequately manage emotions.

In this sense, when problems arise, the difference between good communication and bad communication is decisive. It should be said that on average, many of us are not qualified in these types of skills. When disagreements, problems and differences arise, it is easy to fall into extremes. And it is precisely at that moment when we perceive the lack of these skills.

Thus, something that cognitive psychologists Janet Metcalfe and Walter Mischel point out to us is that we always tend to see conflicts as negative dimensions. Actually, We forget how enriching it can be to solve these situations.learn from the process and achieve, even at the end, alliances between the most lasting and significant people.

It is not only essential to enable ourselves in this competition. Besides, It is necessary to know the most common mistakes that we usually make when facing a conflict. Let’s see it.

1. Avoid or evade the problem

Many people try to avoid confrontations. Now avoiding the problem does not help at all to solve a conflict. What causes is the increase in the other’s frustration.

We must become aware that things are not going to solve themselves. In this way, studies such as the one carried out at the University of Moscow by Dr. Konstantin Korovin points out something interesting to us. If we are able to detect the disagreement or problem as soon as possible and solve it, we will reduce stress, negative emotions and the intensity of the conflict.

2. Get defensive

One of the main mistakes we usually make when solving a conflict is getting defensive. It is common to position ourselves on our idea, on our version. We refuse to pay attention to what the other has to say.

So, It seems like we end up defending ourselves instead of what we think. In this way we lose objectivity and we are causing the other person to also become defensive, which contributes to making the problem worse. This attitude implies denying any responsibility “by definition” and almost unconsciously. This way it is almost impossible to solve anything the right way.

It is therefore necessary that we be more empathetic, that we practice active listening.

3. Generalize

Generalizing is a big mistake when it comes to resolving a conflict. Speaking in absolute terms is usually a resource to avoid personalizing, but the effect achieved is devastating.

Avoid expressions like “always” or “never” is vital to being able to talk about something. Likewise, we should also avoid speaking in the plural or involving several people when it is only one or two.

4. Be strict with the way you do things

Many times we insist on thinking that things can only be done in a certain way, and we do not accept someone else’s way of doing it.

Many conflicts are generated simply because we insist that the other person do things or solve situations the same way we do.

5. Believe that we know what the other thinks

Many times It is easier for us to act according to what we believe the other thinks, assuming things that are not right. This form of “cheap psychoanalysis” generates misinterpretations and generates even greater conflicts.

6. Talk, talk, talk… and not listen

Speaking without thinking that the other person also has something to say is a very classic mistake. Interrupting others without letting them finish or letting them speak is another habit.

All of these are errors that do not help resolve the conflict, and that only increase it, because they lead to misinterpretations and conclusions that do not take into account what the other person says.

7. Manipulate others with guilt

Blaming someone else for what happened and trying to make them feel responsible is a big mistake., even if it is true. Firstly, because we do not know what happened or why, ignoring the part of our own responsibility that we may have had.

Secondly, because makes the other becomes defensive and closes himself to trying to solve the problem, blinded only by the fact of not feeling solely responsible and not admitting what has happened. Responsibility is something very hard to assume.

8. Focus on “winning” the dispute

Many people just like to win, and they don’t care about the conflict itself as long as they feel or know they are winners of the dispute. For that, They manipulate and twist information and look for a way to emerge victorious, at the cost of ridiculing or leave the other below.

All of this only complicates the problem and instead of solving a conflict, it enlarges it. In the short term, it can lead to an absurd rivalry that does not lead to anything positive.

9. Introduce more conflicts into the conversation

If it is difficult to solve one in itself, the thing becomes practically impossible when they are mixed. Remember past mistakes to attack the position that confronts ours can convey the feeling of disloyalty.

Furthermore, the other party may interpret that we are more eager to make a personal attack than to resolve the conflict itself. Resolving the conflict should be the priority.

It seems obvious, but on many occasions we forget about them and act selfishly and irresponsibly. It is not about winning or losing to solve a conflict, nor about being more than the other, nor about trying to find blame.

The problem is that many times we are forced to act in these ways because the other party uses verbal violence in the conversation. Be assertive and try to calm things down should be the fundamental premise before moving forward in any such conversation. Only in this way can we successfully resolve a conflict.

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