Everything we can lose when we get defensive

Being defensive is not always something we do “on purpose.” A typical example is when someone says “that’s great cooking”, “that’s the best report I’ve seen in recent times”, “that dress suits you very well”, “you had an excellent meeting”, etc. In response to this comment, the recipient replies: “What are you trying to say? That I usually don’t cook/make reports/dress/set up meetings well?” Without a doubt, The person who gave the compliment will feel angry and the scene may end very badly, either in a fight or in an icy silence.

So, being defensive implies a different reaction than expected. If, when faced with a positive or even neutral phrase, we attack as if it were a threat or cause a spark to fly, it is because something is not right inside us.

Some of the reasons we may be defensive are:

-We believe that the other’s attitude is threatening, that it attacks our personal integrity. In this case, it is built on the fear that others may hurt or harm us. This may be because we have experienced many disappointments in our lives. or even because that person has not had good actions or works with us in the past.

-Because we are going through a situation of great pressure or stress, whether at work or in our personal life. Anything will set “alarm bells ringing.” It is true that there are many people who are suspicious by nature and who tend to live in an atmosphere of distrust, which means that they can never relax. Deep down, there is a great fear of failure and, at the same time, a low tolerance for criticism, even if it is “constructive.”

-The defensive posture is adopted because that person intends with this attitude build a fortress of your intimate space, something that you are not willing to give up to anyone, not even those closest to you. It may be what happens between teenage children with their parents, those who suffer from an addiction or have an illness, or couples who have just gotten married or are starting to live together.

-Resentment towards the other person also makes us defensive. It can happen when we don’t get along with our boss, we have had a separation with our partner, we have problems with our parents due to past attitudes, etc. There is also the possibility of fighting to control a situation, to impose our point of view and stop understanding interpersonal relationships as a constant agreement instead of a battlefield where one wins and the other loses, without there being a middle ground or even a chance of reaching a negotiation or agreement.

-The defensive attitude, psychologists say, hides a person completely insecure about themselves, their abilities and capabilities. By sending the “signal” that you are closed-minded and responding in an exaggerated or very emotional way to situations, it is impossible for you to build healthy relationships.whether privately or professionally.

How do we know when we are defensive?

-If we flatly deny it when someone points it out to us.
-If we start talking quickly so that the other does not have time to explain their reasons or points of view.
-If we do not take “the trouble” to listen to others in relation to what they think and what their arguments are.
-If we process everything they tell us as if it were against us, to bother us, to make us feel bad or inferior.
-If we perceive that the other is an enemy that must be constantly defeated.
-If we use justifications that are not true but that serve to eliminate our share of responsibility in the matter.
-If we use the word “but” more times than necessary, especially at the beginning of a sentence.
-If we respond to a personal criticism by bringing to light the errors of others and comparing ourselves with them.
-If we use sarcasm to devalue others.
-If we do not ask for explanations when we do not understand, but rather we understand what we think.
-If we feel continually tense and irritated, as if life were a battle.

Photo courtesy of olegganko