Parents controlling their adult children

Receiving advice that is not needed. Being the object of constant reproaches. Recommend what one should do and what not. Using blackmail, that manipulative language that steals motivation and even self-esteem… The way in which parents control their adult children is often so sibylline that a book could be written.

However, that book would actually be a diary of silenced sufferings and regrets. Because reaching adulthood and having on one’s back the long shadow of the father who supervises and criticizes or the mother who uses a thousand tricks to continue controlling, It diminishes one’s own dignity and makes all these dynamics invisible in our society..

A society that continues to praise the work of parents and that sees in the family that refuge of unconditional love that covers and enriches everything. When sometimes, Parents and their style of upbringing and education act as authentic factories of unhappiness. A suffering that is inoculated in childhood and that, in many cases, persists into adulthood.

Why are there fathers and mothers who control their children? Even more… why can’t these children escape this influence in most cases? We analyze it.

Parents controlling their adult children

There are many parents who control their adult children from close quarters and even from afar. It doesn’t matter that that son or daughter has already left the family home and has their own family and a separate life. The umbilical cord remains unbroken and through it continues to feed that poisoned love that seeks a single objective: to ensure that they continue to be needed.

If we ask ourselves what is behind the need for control in this type of dynamics, the answer is simple. Those who seek control try to alleviate a feeling of lack.

In this case, what parents seek is to defend themselves against loneliness by convincing their children that they are still essential to them. Closeness (and domination) gives them the feeling of continuing to be useful, of holding power and thus alleviating low self-esteem and that distorted personality that does not see the suffering generated by their behavior.

The fact that the children are adults does not deter this need to control one bit. The techniques must be more sophisticated, but Anyone who has spent half or an entire life being a psychological manipulator always finds ways and strategies. It does not matter whether the child is still at home or has already left it. The controlling networks continue to spread and suffocate with great skill.

Parents’ fear of letting life flow naturally

Those who control, as we already know, do so motivated by the feeling of lack, but also by fear. They are afraid that a child’s life will continue on its path with independence, maturity and freedom away from home. Any attempt by the latter to take control of his own existence is interpreted as a grievance and emotions as sharp as anger, rage, anguish instantly arise…

Seeing how children dare at a given moment to make their decisions regarding work and personal matters is interpreted as little more than a threat. It’s more, The controlling father or mother will make him see that with this step what he achieves is nothing other than harming thembecause… «How dare you go to work in another city and leave me alone?» “How do you think about having a boyfriend or girlfriend now when I need you?”

Parents who control their adult children, how do they do it?

Parents who control their children do so in camouflaged, indirect and painful ways.. It is a type of manipulation so insidious that children do not know very well how to explain it when they come to psychological therapy.

That spider web that traps and restricts freedoms, in reality, has always been around them, encapsulating them, so that sometimes they assume something as normal that is not normal at all.

The controlling father or mother is always there to “help”, but thanks to that apparently well-intentioned help, they have an excuse to dominate. Thus, the fact that they help us financially, that they perform certain tasks for us ultimately serves not only to control them, but also to blackmail and continue to exercise authority. On the other hand, They also make use of emotional manipulation that places a constant feeling of guilt on the son or daughter.of being abandoning, betraying or hurting the parent. Control is also exercised with words, with those pieces of advice that know how to order and that do not hesitate to tell us what it is. “for our good, because they know what is good for us.”

How to get out of controlling parents’ jail?

Reflecting on the relationship we have with our parents is a necessity. We must do it to become aware (and regardless of how old we are) about whether this bond offers us well-being and suffering. We say the latter because there are those who do not perceive to what extent the shadow of the average family deforms their quality of life.

We must be clear with our parents about what behaviors we are willing to accept and what we are not.Setting clear limits is a health exercise. If they do not respect them, if they react badly and use victimhood by warning us that we are abandoning them, we must avoid falling into their networks again. When one sets a limit, others only have two options: accept them or watch us grow even further apart.

The best thing in all cases is to speak assertively and clearly with our parents about how we want things to be for the good of all. Likewise, and no less important, We must not neglect another essential aspect: healing all those years of wear and tear and manipulation. constant.

These wounds usually leave the mark of low self-esteem and even post-traumatic stress. Let’s keep it in mind.

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