Non-violent communication in the family, a language of life

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Conflicts are common in families. In themselves, they are not negative. However, they can be, a lot, when they are not managed well and open wounds that do not heal. Now, what role does nonviolent communication play in this context?

Nonviolent communication (hereinafter NVC) is a model developed by Marshall Rosenberg that makes it easier for people to communicate with each other (and also with themselves) with empathy and assertiveness. Within the family context, this concept would be extrapolated to communication between the different members of the home.

The tools provided by NVC are effective in transforming a conflictive situation. that can appear in daily coexistence and achieve relationships in a loving, respectful and harmonious way.

This model of family communication, also called empathic communication, proposes replacing the patterns of responding to judgments and criticism from other family members with defensive or avoidant patterns, with others in which empathy is much more important.

Reactions of resistance, defense and violence are reduced to a minimum, since when we focus on clarifying what we observe, feel and want, instead of dedicating ourselves to diagnosing and judging, compassion tends to arise naturally.

Empathic communication eliminates barriers between people to understand each other.

Guidelines for good communication in the family

When faced with a conflict between two family members, the CNV proposes using the following steps:

Observe what happens (the facts): how I see it and how the other sees it.How do we feel (me and the other)?: with empathy, without judging, rejecting, etc.What are the real needs What underlies the feelings we have discovered?Make a request aimed at trying to achieve the goal or genuine desire (need). What we can and should ask of ourselves or others to solve the problem and enrich our lives.

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After having made the request, it is necessary to ensure that the message has been satisfactorily understood through questions such as: “Is it clear?” or “can you tell me what I told you?” To do this, it is best to clearly ask the other person for a response; The idea is to know how you understood our words and to be able to correct any incorrect interpretation (Rosenberg, 2013).

In summary, the structure suggested by Rosenberg (2013) is the following:

-“When you do or say…

-Feel…

-Because I need…

-If you agree, I would like you to…”

One step further is to practice these four steps with different family members. First, perceiving what they observe, feel and need, and then discovering what they want to enrich their lives, by listening to the request they make of us. Thus, we help others to do the same and We establish a flow of assertive communication.

Vocabulary of feelings and needs in the family

The expression of emotional states must be clear and precise in a way that helps us connect with others. To do this, Rosenberg distinguishes pleasant feelings, when needs are satisfied, and unpleasant feelings, when needs are unsatisfied.

On the one hand, it mentions pleasant feelings such as affection, trust, enthusiasm, hope, peace, happiness, gratitude, interest, inspiration and openness. On the other hand, he lists unpleasant feelings such as longing, aversion, confusion, anger, restlessness, fear, sadness, rage, pain, and shame.

There are two common obstacles that make it difficult to express feelings. One is the absence of emotional literacy in the family, which complicates the ability of its members to express themselves openly and specifically. Another obstacle is the fear that usually exists of showing ourselves vulnerable to others, when it is really that vulnerability that facilitates conflict resolution (Vivas, Gallego and González, 2007).

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Regarding the expression of needs, it means connect the feeling with everything we need for our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Again, Rosenberg provides a list of human needs, including connection, closeness, autonomy, integrity, participation, freedom and interdependence, which can guide us to know what need we have unsatisfied.

Non-violent communication allows us to understand each other through empathy and respect.

A useful tool at home: the feelings box

The feelings box is a useful dynamic to use at home. It consists of leaving a box with white sheets cut into the shape of small cards inside on a table, accessible to everyone. All family members can share with others, through this resource, the different events that have caused them discomfort throughout the day.

At the end of the day, each member will read a random paper and propose a solution or a pleasant comment to alleviate the other’s problem. This game helps us become aware and responsible for our thoughts, feelings and actions, turning us into more valuable resources when making decisions.

In conclusion, Nonviolent communication is a tool that can help us connect with ourselves and with others. Thanks to it, understanding and support can increase, improving coexistence through honesty and commitment.