Learn to protect yourself so you don’t absorb all the problems around you

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It was years of much anguish and suffering before Patrícia* realized a dangerous relationship that permeated her social life. “I believed I was helping a person I loved to prevent their suffering, but I was actually taking the problem for me and still imposed the solution”, he remembers about a recurrent episode not only in the your lifeas in that of many people considered “feeling sponges🇧🇷

Intense concern, which covers controlling attitudes, can be a personality trait, as Patrícia believes it is in her case, but it is also the result of other external factors. “Empathy is stimulated from childhood on different levels. For example, when the child is reinforced that he has things that others do not have, this will impact his involvement with society in the future”, points out psychologist Rafaela Alves.

The transition from empathy to a harmful relationship of over-care and overload can also be explained by the construction of our society. The researcher points out that the country’s colonization process left a trail of guilt to this day.

“This feeling was built by the social organization, which is still structurally based on the moral values ​​of the Catholic Church. So, if you don’t meet the expectations imposed by the other, you will be punished. As a result of patriarchy and racism, this overload of care brutally falls on women, especially black women”, points out Rafaela.

See also: Pandemic exposes flaws in love relationships and the number of divorces grows

For Juliana*, this weight was seen for a long time as an obligation, a kind of duty to ensure the well-being of the whole family – while hers was neglected. “She was always living people’s lives and more committed than themselves to solving their problems. Only, in the pandemic, I realized that when I’m the one who needs it, I almost have no one. People came to me in need, and this is the result of a relationship that I created myself”, says the self-employed professional, who lives with her son, diagnosed with autism.

“When I was in a more comfortable financial condition, I didn’t feel so much the burden of helping friends with money. My mind only dropped when I was in need at home after offering to solve other people’s problems”, says Juliana, who even took out a loan to pay off her sister’s energy bills. “I couldn’t accept that while I was at home, she was on her own with no light.” The genuine look was soon taken over by the disappointment of seeing that she didn’t make an effort to keep her accounts up to date.

Like the situation experienced by Juliana, psychologist and professor at the Pontifical Catholic University of Paraná (PUCPR), Ana Suy Sesarino Kuss, says that the limits created with the other are not always clear. “This appears when we look at the situation from the outside. Internally, we end up mixing with those around us. We are all like that on some level. Some people have more difficulty and end up mixing more with each other. We are very suggestible, that is, coexistence infects us. It is interesting that identification with the pain of the other, when it is something positive, we call empathy. Otherwise, it becomes a problem”, points out Ana. Patrícia noticed these effects in her routine.

“When we are a sponge, we prevent the other from developing and we stop living”

Patricia*

From food to sleep, the problems absorbed in the family and in friendships changed the direction of his life. “I could have the happiest day of my life, reach an expected achievement, but if I received bad news related to someone I love, I would be sad in an unbalanced way. I wouldn’t even be like that if it were me. I didn’t allow myself to enjoy the moments, I lost my appetite and I was taken by anxiety”, says Patrícia.

The limit was crossed and perceived by her during a conflict with her older sister, who decided to resume a relationship she didn’t want. “I felt I needed to alert her to the mistake she was making by not considering her own decision to please her partner. Thus, I ended up becoming more of a problem for having extrapolated when advising”, she recalls.

The social emotional security of each individual will certainly influence the understanding of this limit pointed out by Patrícia. According to Rafaela, abusive relationships multiply this load of absorption. “Even in the work itself there can be legitimate or subjective exploitation, which generates intense concern. When we live in healthy environments, relationships and institutions, the resumption of balance flows better”, says the professional.

Another point that makes the path more tortuous is the expectation of how the other side will react, especially in relationships where respect has not been broken. Juliana suffered exactly that with the fear of rejection and of hurting someone. This context is also observed in cases involving health issues, for example.

But Dr. Ana remembers an essential point: “It is important to highlight what a person is and what a disorder or diagnosis is. This differentiation is important so that we do not confuse one thing with the other. Therefore, we need to check what the limit of the other is, with which people we identify or not. Trying to reverse this leads us to suffering”, says the teacher.

Both Patrícia and Juliana already experience this phase of attention to their own behavior. “I still feel guilt and regret when I say ‘no’, but I need to take responsibility for my actions instead of offering help before I’m even asked. This kind of awareness is a form of loyalty to myself”, says the self-employed. The fruits of a life in which her wishes are respected please the new version of Patrícia, who is polished daily.

“It’s a process, after all, we didn’t change overnight. I have ups and downs, but I believe it’s crucial to have someone on your side in this process. We know what not to do, but what is missing is the incentive to turn this notion into practice”, says the lawyer, who today allows herself to express her opinion without fear of rejection.

different visions

Understanding that each person brings a different perception of life is crucial to avoid unnecessary involvement, according to behavioral therapist Simone Rosa. “The resolution of the other’s problem is part of his understanding of the world”, says the analyst. By interfering invasively, the person does not stimulate their own means of development.

beware of control

Each individual builds a relationship with control. Some are dependent on him for external direction, while others tend to dictate their ideas and wishes. “We don’t control people. It is possible to give an opinion, but remember that the decision may be contrary to it. Adults, in full conditions, are capable of resolving their conflicts”, says Simone.

respect your limits

Communication is one of the main ways of living respectfully, even if there are differences. Psychologist Rafaela recalls that the impacts of the pandemic are not yet fully known, but it is a fact that we do not live as we used to. ”Recognise your affective availability for these encounters, think about the time you stay in contact. We still face such painful and grieving processes.”

dose of love

In isolation, the exchange of affection shortened distance and healed many people’s wounds. However, care is needed so that the compensation for repressed love does not become a trap. “It is necessary to love in an equal degree, and our self-love must be the reference of love. If you notice that there is an imbalance, ask for professional help”, recommends Simone.

*Names have been changed at the request of the interviewees