Lack of affection during childhood: how it affects us and how to heal

When in therapy we analyze the most widespread psychological disorders in the population (anxiety, phobias, depression, etc.), we verify that the underlying cause of most of these problems comes from some kind of affective deficiency suffered in childhood that has been dragged into adulthood.

Babies come into the world with physical (care and food) and emotional (love, support, security) needs that must be covered so that they become balanced adults. Physical contact, displays of affection, feeling protected or respect for your person and your interests are not essential for your physical survival. However, they are essential for their correct psycho-emotional development.

Without this care, children, although they grow physically, emotionally carry serious affective consequences.

We only have to remember the terrible images of the Romanian orphanages of the 70s and 80s, in which the little ones, their emotional needs not having been attended to, They developed autistic behaviors.

Many people, without having gone through such extreme abandonment, also They carry from their childhood different types of emotional deficiencies. Their parents and other relatives, due to immaturity, inexperience or their own personal stories of deprivation, did not know how to attend to their affective needs. These people grow up convinced that their disruptive emotional experiences are the same as everyone else’s. Over time, when they try to lead a normal life, the consequences of their traumas are reflected in their day to day, in one way or another.

A void to fill

The primary need for care and affection that was not satisfied by the parents causes many people, upon reaching adulthood, to a feeling of emptiness or dark space inside that needs to be filled. To try to obtain a moment of satisfaction that fills the abyss, obsessions, addictions or hooks to toxic people arise.

Any external element (relationships, objects or work) can create the illusion of filling that void, but trying to bridge the gap at any cost can end up unleashing disastrous consequences.

For example; an addiction momentarily clouds the pain, but it catches and it is difficult to escape from it; a little loving attention can fill us up momentarily but leave us hooked and defenseless when it comes to protecting ourselves from a toxic relationship. Also, as with any addiction, the feeling of fullness is momentary: once it wears off, the emptiness is still there.

How to heal childhood wounds from the inside

Although it is impossible to change the past, everyone we have the power to intervene both in our present and in our future. To make it, we must focus on ourselves and lavish on ourselves the care that we so lacked in childhood. We need to remind ourselves that we are no longer those little ones who were defenseless before life: now we can fend for ourselves and we do not need to be taken care of and attended to from outside.

So, to heal the emotional deprivation of childhood, we have to start by changing the meaning of the search for love.

It is not about finding someone from outside who gives us the attention and affection that we did not have in childhood (we have already seen that this only creates an unhealthy dependency), but rather we must be ourselves who begin to contemplate ourselves with tenderness and compassion. We ourselves are the ones who can best offer ourselves true unconditional love.

It takes time; we cannot heal the emptiness of a lifetime in one day. Sometimes, the damage caused is so deep that it is necessary to seek professional help in order to rebuild lost self-esteem. Little by little, assuming the reality of the past and working from small day-to-day details, we can begin to recover our self-esteem.

When you manage to connect with yourself and begin to love yourself, an effective and permanent internal change occurs. You will always be present in your life, taking care of yourself. The abyss disappears, the void is filled and, from that moment, nothing and no one can divert you from your path.

Keys to a healthy emotional life

Most of us carry some kind of affective deficiency from childhood that, today, still harms us. What measures can we take to minimize its effects and enjoy a healthier emotional life?

Don’t downplay it. The first step for healing is to assume and value the relevance of the deficiencies suffered in the past. A lot of people say, “Well, it wasn’t that bad” or “After all, I’ve grown up and I’m an adult”. However, we cannot forget that when we were little, this lack of care damaged us and that the pain still persists. Let’s be honest with ourselves and ask ourselves: “Does this emotional lack really affect me?”, “Could I be looking for love in others or in other things that I did not get during my childhood?”Not to blame but to acknowledge. It is not about blaming parents or other family members for not having known how to take care of us in the past. Surely, they were also victims of affective deficiencies and they took care of us the best they knew how. However, we have to put ourselves on the side of the child we were to recognize what we lacked and thus be able to focus on healing ourselves.Focus on the solution. As hard as our history has been, there is no use wallowing in the negative. After acknowledging what happened, we must not forget that there is always hope and an opportunity to heal and free ourselves from the consequences of the deficiencies suffered.take care of us If we are continually waiting for someone to come fill our emotional needs, we will always depend on others and we will never be happy. Remember: you are the person who can love you best and who will always accompany you.