Disorganized attachment: the origin of submission

Continuing with the series of articles on the different types of attachment and their consequences in adult life, today we will review disorganized attachment. This type of attachment, although it is not the most frequent, is It is the most destructive and the one that produces the most harmful effects on the personality.

Frequently, psychologists usually find ourselves in our consultations with people who have experienced this type of disorganized bond in their childhood.

From total confusion to disorganized attachment

Mary Main, a disciple and collaborator of Mary Ainsworth, observed that, in the “strange situation” test, about 5% of the children felt extremely distressed at the separation from their mother, enough to beat his head with his hands during his absence.

However, when she was present in the room, they were confused. These little ones, much like the reactions of skittish animals, seemed to be hesitating whether to move closer or further away from her.

Main associated this type of reaction with mothers (he should have also spoken of fathers) with serious mental disorders, so affected by their own problems that they showed unable to adequately care for the needs of their children.

The researchers discovered that children in these types of families were severely neglected and that, in some cases, they had suffered (or regularly suffered) physical violence or even sexual abuse.

For the little ones who showed this type of disorganized attachment, their parents, the people who were supposed to protect them, had become a source of anguish and terror. Like all babies, these creatures needed attachment and care and They tried to find comfort in their parents.

However, they were so afraid of their parents that they avoided going near them for fear of the violent and overreactions they often exhibited. We can imagine the daily anguish these children experience trapped in families in which they do not feel loved or protected by their parents.

These little ones, in addition to not being able to approach their parents in search of help and safety, due to their young age and their great physical and emotional defenselessness, cannot avoid outbursts of adult aggression nor do they have the possibility of escaping from their home.

The seed of submission

As they grow, these children they learn to adapt to the elders so they don’t get angry with them and do not violate them. Their submissive behavior, adapted to the ups and downs of their parents, is nothing more than a poor attempt to reduce the shouting or the blows they receive.

Violence never stops and, for the child, the price to pay in the short and long term for this disconnection from their own needs will be very high. By yielding to the wishes of others, these little ones internalize (and assimilate as authentic) the idea that in order to live (in their circumstances survive) it is essential to submit to otherss and disconnect from their own desires and needs.

Over time, these people end up reaching the extreme of not living their own lives, they never act on their own and only do what others indicate or order. On the other hand, the violence received at home also induces them to repress a lot of anger.

suppressed rage

This anger that they could not express as children does not disappear, but accumulates inside them throughout childhood and adolescence, until adulthood. Time in which it breaks out either, turning on themselves (development of self-destructive tendencies or psychosomatic illnesses) or, turning towards others, becoming parents justifying violence or even mistreat their own children.

Low self-esteem

As a consequence of the traumatic childhoods lived, these people develop a very low self-esteem. No one has ever told them how valid they are, quite the contrary, the messages they receive from their parents are devastating: “you are worthless”, “you are clumsy”, “you will not achieve anything in life”, etc.

Ill-treatment makes them distrustful people, in a constant state of alertjust like when they were little and any event could unleash the anger of their parents.

In their personal relationships they also experience contradictory feelings. On the one hand, they want to have a partner and start a family, but on the other, they feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable in situations of emotional intimacy, which makes it difficult for them to maintain a stable relationship.

Another common pattern in these people is the repression of their emotions. In his infancy, they learned that the spontaneous expression of their moods was frowned uponarriving, even, on occasions, to be received with blows or beatings.

So we see that they are people stuck in their trauma who constantly relive the fears of their childhood and the mistreatment they suffered. Instead of enjoying their life, they find themselves in an unhealthy loop from which it is very difficult to get out.

Mark’s case

Unfortunately, as I said at the beginning, Many of the people who come to therapy have suffered different types of violence in their childhoods. and are severely affected by it.

Marcos’ case exemplifies the dramatic long-term effects of this disorganized attachment. With a hot-tempered mother that she would fly into a rage when her children strayed from the strict educational line that she set at home and an alcoholic father While he reacted violently when his drunkenness was not allowed to rest, Marcos and his brothers lived permanently under a regime of terror.

Both in his personal life and at work, Marcos felt that everyone was taking advantage of him.. The young man was incapable of protesting or putting a stop to clearly abusive situations. Before these, he preferred to keep quiet so that the others would be happy and not get angry with him.

Furthermore, Marcos was terrified of arguing and I preferred to give in what was necessary rather than fight someone.

Connect with yourself to heal

These cases usually require time and patience. to heal because it is essential that the person assimilate (and assume) the experiences and mistreatment received and, also, that they understand that neither dad nor mom will change to become the loving parents they needed in their childhood.

The help to get out of the well will not come from the parents, but from the person himself. The healing will focus on connecting with the authentic essence of oneself. Healing does not depend on anyone external, but must come from within. Sometimes it is necessary to start almost from scratch to rebuild one’s own personality.

After the deep work done, finally, this will be much healthier and more authentic. Leaving behind the past and the patterns that gave us security is a process that takes work, it is a duel to go throughbut when people like Marcos manage to free themselves and connect with themselves, we see that the effort is worth it.