Know the emotional anchors that prevent you from getting over your ex-partner

Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner? A month, six months and even a year has passed and the mind is still attached to that person, to that failed relationship that somehow conditions our present. Why happens? What type of psychological mechanism is that prevents us from being able to turn the page and move forward?

We would love to have a button that would allow us to erase suffering and even certain memories at will. It would be perfect to be able to press it to at least lower the intensity of the memory and prevent that person from ceasing to occupy our thoughts in such an invasive, painful way… Because There are loves that become anchored in the brain and give way to obsessive and exhausting states.

We all know or have experienced that feeling in which someone is unable to completely leave a relationship. The messages continue to be sent, longing for a response; a “seen”, at least. The person, unable to accept the situation, continues checking the other’s social networks daily, suffering before each photo to see how the ex-partner continues with his life, even starting new relationships.

What should we do if we drift into this same reality?

Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner?

“Help me stop thinking about my ex-partner.” Many people go to psychological therapy with this need and they do so, of course, aware that they have reached an extreme of high weariness and obsession.

These are situations in which it is difficult to even function normally in almost any area of ​​life. Sometimes, The memory of that breakup makes it impossible to work, enjoy moments of leisure and thinking about future projects.

There are those who try to divert attention with new practices, with sports, with a self-help course. Others enter a relationship in a vain attempt to forget. Likewise, also There are those who lead to the consumption of alcohol, drugs or other types of equally dangerous behavior.. All of this already gives us a clue to the answer to that “why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner?”

These situations present the same psychological mechanism as that of an addiction. The brain orchestrates the same mechanics as someone who cannot quit smoking or enters a betting house every day… We analyze it.

Love is sometimes like a slot machine

The metaphor is unpoetic, but still illustrative. There are loves that become obsessions and make us act like the addict who goes to a slot machine every day. Thus, one of the reasons why I can’t stop thinking about my ex-partner is due to the brain’s dopamine reward circuit.

When we are with our partner and everything is going well, the levels of this neurotransmitter are stable. We feel satisfied, we experience security, pleasure and well-being. However, When the rupture occurs, the production of dopamine and norepinephrine is drastically reduced. and then alarm, despair and withdrawal syndrome arise.

What we must do to end this “addiction” is to walk away, break contact, stop checking their social networks, delete their number from our mobile. The more we expose ourselves or look for ways to get closer to our ex-partner, the more we reinforce the addiction, the withdrawal syndrome and, therefore, the suffering.

Separation anxiety: I love you so much more now!

Anthropologist Helen Fisher has spent decades studying everything related to the mechanics of love (and heartbreak). Something that tells us about the eternal question of why I can’t stop thinking about my ex-partner is that a new phenomenon is emerging that he has called “attraction out of frustration.”

They are situations in which separation and breakup awaken not only that obsession mentioned above. What also occurs is an idealization of what was lost and a greater need for attachment.. Helen Fisher herself describes it as follows: “Separation anxiety is like a puppy separated from its mother: it runs in circles, barks and whines.”

On the other hand, studies such as those carried out at the University of Graz (Austria) tell us that this fact is more common in men. They are the ones who continue to see their ex-partners in a positive way and even conceive that it is possible to resume the relationship. Women, on average, tend to focus on the most negative aspects to reaffirm themselves in the distance and the end of that bond.

What can we do in these situations?

The most appropriate thing when we leave a relationship is to rationalize the causes that motivated it. In this way, if they have abandoned us, If the other person has decided to end it, it means that we are no longer loved. and this is something that we must assume as soon as possible.

Emotional pain and why I can’t stop thinking about my ex-partner

Ethan Ross, a professor at the University of Michigan, conducted research in which he showed that The brain interprets social rejection and the breakup of a couple in the same way as a burn.. That is, the emotional pain we suffer is similar to physical pain. This also explains why it is so difficult for us to turn the page and stop thinking about our ex-partner.

Attachment, memories of the past and the inability to accept reality feed those states in which the pain, far from being relieved day by day, becomes much more “inflamed.”

What can we do?

Every major breakup needs to go through grief. A stage in which to leave space for suffering, for pain and then let it out. Acceptance is that step in which we detach ourselves from memories to create new ones. Giving way to a new stage with new plans and new goals is always the best option.

However, let us not hesitate to request expert help when we become aware that it is still impossible for us to move forward, heal the wound and, above all, leave aside those who no longer think about us.

You might be interested…