Know the damage caused by a toxic family and how to deal with it

It is a fact that family is not chosen. Although this nucleus is responsible for the first social relationships of human beings, not every family bond is healthy and positive. To better understand the subject, check out what psychologists Beatriz Lima Figueirêdo (CRP 13/6972) and Rebeka Nascimento dos Santos (CRP 05/58097) say about toxic family.

What is a toxic family?

You’ve probably heard of toxic people or abusive relationships, after all this topic has been discussed a lot these days. But did you know that family can also be toxic and abusive?

According to psychologist Beatriz Lima, “a toxic or dysfunctional family is one that frequently engages in unhealthy behaviors, such as teasing, lies, blackmail and manipulation, giving rise to feelings of anguish and suffering”.

Furthermore, Rebeka Nascimento emphasizes that “the term family encompasses all the members that make up the family structure, such as father, mother, grandparents, uncles, brothers, spouses, children, among others”. In addition, the pattern of toxic behavior may come from one or more people in the family group.

Specialist Beatriz explains that, “due to the moral issues that permeate the idea of ​​the family as an inseparable entity that must remain together despite everything”, conflicts related to toxic behaviors become even more complicated.

Because of this feeling of need to stay together, the relationship can damage both the victim’s quality of life and their mental health.

Damage from a toxic family

The moral pressure related to family ties “gives rise to demands from oneself and from others, for accepting countless abuses simply for being a family”, emphasizes Beatriz. This causes a series of psychic damage to the victim of these attitudes. The most common are:

• Difficulty getting emotionally involved with other people;
• Fear of being manipulated;
• High self-criticism;
• Low self esteem;
• Difficulty dealing with personal conflicts;
• Emotional dependence;
• Anxiety;
• Stress;
• Depression;
• Personality disorder.

Beatriz says that “it is natural for people who grew up in a toxic environment to carry the consequences of these experiences”. However, the professionals emphasize that there are ways to deal with it, seeking to dilute the suffering caused by the abusive environment.

Traits of the toxic family

Beatriz explains that “it is difficult to define whether a family relationship is toxic or not through one or another characteristic”. However, psychologists reveal some signs that can serve as a warning to identify such attitudes. See below:

Manipulation

It is one of the most common characteristics of toxic attitudes. According to Rebeka, “the manipulation can occur through behavior or words” and usually occurs in a passive-aggressive way.

The professional points out that the action is usually used to “get the victim’s attention”, making the victim, in turn, feel obliged to act against her will for the supposed good of the other.

psychological blackmail

According to Rebeka, psychological blackmail can appear in several ways, such as “blackmail based on victimization, blackmail based on a promise of reward and even blackmail based on punishment”.

All of them make the victim again “feel subjected to doing something they do not want in order to ease the conflicts”, explains the psychologist.

excess control

Excessive control also appears constantly in a family’s toxic behaviors. Rebeka explains that this is because “family members place themselves in a sovereign position in relation to the victim”.

This control “imposes the belief that the victim is not capable of doing anything without this family nucleus”, and, at the same time, does not provide space for the person to make their own choices and decision-making.

Lack of communication

It is known that in any relationship clear communication is necessary. However, “in a toxic family environment, communication becomes scarce or even non-existent”, says specialist Rebeka.

This happens “by the individualization of its members”. According to the professional, “each individual lives according to their own truth”, which does not give the other space to communicate and speak openly about their conflicts.

constant conflicts

Both professionals emphasize that, precisely because of the lack of dialogue, understanding and reciprocity, conflicts become constant in an abusive family environment. “There is a common lack of respect among members, who tend not to care about the feelings of the other and empathize with them”, points out Rebeka.

In addition, according to the psychologist, “conflicts can be verbal or physical, passive or aggressive”, and they become emotionally exhausting for those who are constantly inserted in this context.

High level of requirements, expectations and demands

“By having a more self-centered position, the toxic family member usually imposes a high level of demands and demands on the victim,” says Rebeka.

The professional reveals that they do this “in order for the victim to meet their needs and expectations” and that, for this reason, it is also common for “the bond to be based on severe criticism”.

Depreciation

Triggered by the lack of respect, empathy and demands, “depreciation is also common in this relationship”, says Rebeka. “Because the victim is not able to meet all the expectations imposed, she is automatically placed in a place of inferiority and incapacity”, being the target of mockery and negative attitudes towards her.

Dependence on alcohol or other drugs

“Living with an addict generates a lot of emotional instability”, explains Rebeka initially. According to the professional, “the conflicts experienced in a family nucleus that has a chemical dependent is extremely emotionally draining”, which makes this relationship dysfunctional and unbalanced.

Lack of affective responsibility

Another factor rated by Rebeka is the lack of empathy within a toxic family. This corroborates behaviors and actions that “generally devalue or belittle any feelings exposed by the victim”, making them often believe that they do not have the right to be hurt, feel sadness or anger towards something or someone.

don’t usually apologize

Because they are centered on themselves, “the family member usually validates himself with reason for his attitudes and for this reason he hardly apologizes for acting in a certain way”, says psychologist Rebeka.

However, the psychologist says that when an apology occurs, “there may be manipulation of the information in the dialogue”, usually placing the victim as the culprit for the toxic action.

As psychologist Beatriz previously reported, it is not a particular characteristic that defines a dysfunctional family. However, if in your family there are behaviors that impact your daily life and are affecting your emotional health, always seek the help of a specialist.

What to do if you have a toxic family

The professionals explain that there is no recipe that teaches how to act in situations like these, it is interesting to establish some attitudes to alleviate these conflicts. If you identified with some characteristics and feel the need to do something, check out what attitudes can help you:

Notice what toxic attitudes are

According to Rebeka, observing which attitudes hurt you the most in your family relationships is the first step in an attempt to alleviate suffering or alleviate conflicts.

In addition, the psychologist states that “it is important to understand that it is not because the relationship involves blood and/or affective ties that you should normalize jokes or behaviors that hurt you”.

Be assertive with your limits

By understanding what hurts you, it is easier to understand your limits too. This can help you not tolerate all your family’s attitudes.

“Make it clear what affects you, say no when necessary and delimit your personal and emotional space”, emphasizes psychologist Rebeka, who ends by saying “everyone has the right to their own life and freedom to decide what is good for them or not. ”.

Have an exhaust valve

Beatriz says that it is important to look for something that can help you deal with this burden of suffering, “whether talking to someone you trust, writing how you feel, doing some relaxing activity, exercising and, if possible, seeking professional help”.

Try to establish a dialogue

Rebeka says that not every family provides space for healthy dialogue. However, if you think this is possible, it is really interesting to establish communication.

“Tell me what bothers you and how you feel in a certain situation”, emphasizes the specialist. In addition, the psychologist says that “in some situations the lack of dialogue can make the other not understand their limits and continue to act in a toxic way”.

Distance yourself from these family members

Obviously each case is a case, after all, everyone has their particularities and reflects this in their family environment. However, in certain situations, distancing becomes necessary, even if it is not definitive.

Psychologist Beatriz highlights that it is interesting to maintain a minimally healthy distance, but that if physical distance is not possible, “starting to try to impose limits in this relationship is something that can be beneficial to mental health”.

Seek professional help

Each and every toxic situation causes emotional trauma and a number of factors that impact the individual’s mental health. Therefore, professionals agree that having a space where you can be heard and welcomed is important in the process of elaboration and dilution of this suffering.

In addition, Rebeka emphasizes that “psychotherapy can be carried out individually or as a family, and can provide relevant reflections about the bonds established and the pattern of toxic behaviors”.

It is extremely important to recognize yourself as an autonomous human being with rights and to identify your role within your family nucleus, both to be able to limit some behaviors and not to charge yourself with assuming a posture of submission to abuse.

Learn more about toxic family and understand the damage of these relationships

Understanding dysfunctional family dynamics is complex, after all, no family is the same. However, the reports of the professionals below may help you to have new perspectives on the subject. Check out!

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