Insecure attachment, a prison without bars

According to the main postulates of the Attachment Theory, proposed by John Bowlby in 1958, Attachment can be understood as the bond we build between our parents and/or caregivers from the moment we come into the world. These adults become attachment figures that will be crucial for our social and emotional development. Of course, throughout life we ​​build and develop different types of attachment to people other than our parents. However, this first attachment often lays the foundation for these later forms of attachment.

Generally, Attachment develops in four phasess, namely:

From birth to 2 months: It is the pre-attachment phase, in which the baby emits indiscriminate social responses, depending on the interactions that adults have with him.From 2 to 7 months. This is the phase of attachment formation. At this time the baby orients her social responses towards parents or close family members.From 7 to 30 months. This is the critical phase in the construction of attachment, in which pain and protest are manifested at the separation from adult attachment figures and fear of unknown people.From 30 months onwards. This is the phase of forming reciprocal relationships. Here attachment is associated with a bond that the child perceives as permanent and fear or tantrums no longer usually appear in the absence of the parents or caregivers.

Throughout this process, a secure attachment or, conversely, some form of insecure attachment may appear. There are many people who are only capable of creating insecure attachment bonds.. Simply put, this type of attachment is one in which the bond is contaminated by fear. This is mainly expressed as withdrawal in relationships with others or confusing emotions of dependence and rejection.

Most psychologists They defend that insecure attachment develops in early childhood. It would thus be a consequence of the relationship established by people who have this attachment pattern with their trusted figures or people in childhood. These first links are the basis for those they will establish later.

When there is secure attachment, the certainty that the bond is good is also present. In other words, the best is expected from others. The other person is perceived as having a good heart. In insecure attachment, however, the expectation is quite the opposite. What is expected is that the other will abandon or do harm. This type of attachment takes three different forms, which are as follows.

Disorganized insecure attachment

Disorganized insecure attachment It is a type of bond very typical of those who have suffered abuse in his infancy. The usual thing is that they have been left alone and without support in moments of distress and that the people who wanted to educate/dominate them have resorted to physical punishment to intimidate them. It is also common for their parents/guardians to have had an ambivalent attitude towards them. They never knew what to expect from those whose mission was to protect them.. Sometimes they were affectionate and, without knowing why, they suddenly became aggressive or negligent.

Those who had parents like this tend to repeat the same pattern when they are adults. They do not seem to have enough perseverance to maintain coherence between the actions they chain, as well as the thoughts and emotions they express. They go from submission to aggressiveness, or from closeness to distance with a disconcerting ease. They don’t understand what’s happening to them either.

If the relationship with others or with someone in particular becomes very distressing, it is common for an unexpected reaction to occur. This is the one of disconnect emotionally and begin to act as if they were a robot. It is a misleading way to face your anguish.

Ambivalent insecure attachment

The main characteristic of insecure ambivalent attachment is the intensity with which the contradictions of a relationship are experienced.. As in all cases of insecure attachment, in this one too the basis is contradictory parents. The boy never knew what to expect from them.

As adults, these types of people show a very strong need to maintain ties with others. They also have a great need for affection. Relationships with others are extremely intense. In them there is dependency and a need for approval. Also excessive sensitivity to rejection.

When they get into a relationship, they hardly give up the suspicion that something is wrong. They put a lot of emphasis on the problems and little on the positive aspects. All relationships cause them anxiety and that is why they frequently engage in escapist/avoidant behaviors. For example, addictions, self-harm and similar behaviors.

Insecure avoidant attachment

In insecure-avoidant attachment, the most prominent feature is the difficulty in establishing close bonds with others.. At the same time, they feel deep emotional pain for not achieving it. These types of people often develop false autonomy. They are independent, but at the same time they enter a state of deep anguish when they feel that someone is getting emotionally close to them.

It is usually difficult for them to recognize their own emotions. Sometimes they say they are interested in something, but their attitude is one of reluctance. The opposite also occurs. They indicate that something or someone does not attract their attention, but their behavior reveals the opposite. They don’t do it on purpose. They simply have difficulty identifying their emotions.

Generally, insecure avoidant attachment derives from an upbringing characterized by a strong emotional distance from reference people. The child was denied support, even when he needed it. It is common for this to have been justified based on an idea that such distance promoted responsibility or something similar. The truth is that those who grow up like this distrust others. He doesn’t believe there is anyone who can support or help him.

All forms of insecure attachment imply limitations, especially for emotional life.. There is the possibility of reversing this relational pattern, through the recognition of one’s own behavior, its causes and its consequences. Yes, it is possible to overcome this problem and lead a much fuller emotional life.

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