Infidelity as revenge, a misguided strategy

Using infidelity as revenge is a common resource in relationships. Also an irrational impulse to punish the other. The problem is that this behavior almost always leads to regret, since, far from solving something, it leads the situation to chaos and meaningless suffering. The wound becomes much more infected, creating often unbridgeable distances.

Why do we do it? Why do we sometimes intensify it much more when faced with a problem instead of addressing it? The origin is in that delicate layer of psychological skin that is our emotions. When our partner betrays us, the pain is so intense that what we seek is to inflict the same punishment on the other..

We seek to feed them the same poison that we ourselves have ingested. ““An eye for an eye, a heart for a heart.”. Carl Jung pointed out that behind the impulse for revenge is our shadow. That is, that darker side of our personality that results in traits and attitudes that we must understand and deactivate to reach maturity. A difficult path that not everyone reaches.

Unhappiness in monogamous relationships always puts the continuity of that bond in check.

Infidelity as revenge, a very ancient impulse in human beings

Infidelity is an experience that frequently appears in monogamous relationships.. The reason why it results in these acts is as diverse as it is unpredictable. Sometimes there can be a real crush on a third person. In other cases, it is simple sexual attraction and desire. There is also heartbreak, the search for new sensations, to reinforce self-esteem and, of course, the search for revenge.

“If he/she has betrayed me, why not do it too?”. A thought that, at first, seems most absurd, later materializes into a legitimate mechanism for expressing anger. Infidelity as revenge is an irrational and unconscious impulse that intends two things.

The first is obvious: the aim is for the other to suffer the same damage that one has experienced on one’s own skin. The other purpose is to achieve a change, to produce repentance after becoming aware of what has been done.

However, after these behaviors, neither one thing nor the other is always achieved. The result is none other than to increase the grievance, to ensure that after a blow there is a more intense counter-blow to create, thus, an even more problematic situation.

The desire to do harm: awakening empathy in others and recovering dignity

It may seem bizarre. Absurd and completely irrational. However, infidelity as revenge also hopes to awaken empathy in the other person. Research from the University of Calgary talks about this experience among the university community.

The desire to retaliate when suffering a partner’s betrayal is guided not only to provoke change. It is also expected that when the other person suffers the pain of infidelity, that they realize what they have done and also suffer from the suffering generated. As we can deduce, It is emotions and not reason that guide and drive this type of behavior.

However, Another motivation also usually appears: the desire for power and to restore dignity. When one has been “emotionally injured,” it is common to experience that experience as a humiliation. Returning it in the same way – through infidelity – is a way of regaining power in the relationship, of imposing yourself.

What are the consequences of using infidelity as revenge?

Infidelity is an attack on trust. Using this same behavior as a mechanism for revenge further annihilates the relationship and fills it with nonsense, resentment, and immaturity. The consequences are multiple:

Wanting to hurt another after suffering infidelity does not solve the situation: it can make it irreparable.It is a form of emotional self-harm, because what we will also achieve is hurt ourselves. The regret after that sexual encounter can be immense. If there was some kind of hope to save the relationship, we will delay it after that response. It is very difficult to regain trust in a relationship in which both members have committed infidelity.

Likewise, and no less important, we must focus on the aspect of our own mental well-being. The University of Montana has a research paper in which it delved into the effects of using infidelity as revenge. The vast majority of those surveyed said they felt remorse and anxiety after resorting to this option.

Resorting to revenge after infidelity can raise anger, regret, and anxiety in us.

What to do then after our partner’s deception?

If a relationship is worth saving, cheating to get revenge is not a good choice. As Carl Jung pointed out, the impulse for revenge only feeds the worst in ourselves, that shadow that always brings discomfort and unhappiness. It is evident that a betrayal hurts and that the brain often feels the desire to do to the other person the same thing that has been done to us.

However, this reaction does not solve anything, it only increases the pain and reduces one’s dignity to smithereens. It’s not appropriate. In these cases it is necessary to resort to honesty and express to our partner how we feel about their behavior.. Dialogue is the essential nutrient in every relational problem, it is what allows us to understand and reach a series of agreements or solutions.

We may not be able to forgive that wrong, that betrayal. It is a legal option. However, it is possible that we understand what has led the other person to that behavior and decide to give it another chance. It is also legal and understandable. Resorting to revenge as a response will never be respectable or beneficial to anyone.

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