I’m not going to lie: I’m in no hurry to fall in love. I don’t want to lose myself to anyone. I’m selfish, I confess. But only I know how much it costs me to have strength. Serious relationship I just want with myself. Be true to my dreams, respect my limits, believe in my plans and laugh at my setbacks.

I like being alone, seriously. A lot of people don’t believe it, I know. They say it’s an excuse, that I only say this because I didn’t have a great love or I never really fell in love. Even friends of mine have challenged my sanity by questioning everything I am because I didn’t have the same disastrous stories as them.

Perhaps the hardest thing is to focus on yourself. When I lie down to sleep and he comes to my mind, I desperately want his scent, his touch… So I get up, look in the mirror and ask myself how much I want myself and how much I want him. I choose myself every day and hide how much I miss him.

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Words make a deep impression, whether for good or ill.

Turns out I’ve already fallen for it and thought it was worth it and had every bit of me hovering under the hope that it could be his. It had its good side there, I know that. I learned a lot. But only those who know what it’s like to have yourself completely can understand how much each fragment is worth.

But I’ll confess: I’ve been trying to be strong, because being alone is also tiring. Sometimes I want to collapse in someone’s arms, I want support and I even want to suffer, to feel broken. Or just feel something. But only sometimes. Most of the time, I learned to make an ally of loneliness. I am more focused, more determined, more decisive.

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I’ve come to think that I didn’t have room in my life for anyone else, that I didn’t have time to care about someone, even if I wanted to.

Maybe I choose the most cowardly path, the one that saves me from pain. But sometimes we need to take a few steps back before moving forward. It’s no use insisting on failed novels and loves so elastic that they get lost in their definition. It happened to me once and it took me by surprise.

We don’t imagine who will change our lives or, when we do, we invest in the wrong people.

To be honest, I really lack a great love in my life or a true passion. Of small, shallow loves and passing passions, I’m full. In these cases, being alone is a complete relief. I go for my peace of mind and stay. No regrets.

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Stop, just stop at the crosswalk

I don’t think it’s worth fighting for little, donating for less, giving yourself without reciprocity. I don’t think everything that makes the heart beat is simply worth it. Sometimes it’s just longing. Sometimes it’s just a wish. But not all that is missed is love to spare.

Better not to worry, you know? Sooner or later, we bump into each other again and in the meantime, I have an internal battle in which I sometimes win and sometimes I lose. It’s part. I’m looking for the best of me, and no one can find me in my place. Nothing is worth more to me than that, so I leave passion aside.

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I won’t get involved with anyone who doesn’t deserve me. Come to think of it, it’s not cowardice at all. We need to love ourselves a lot, value ourselves a lot, to be able to let go of those who don’t add us.

I made my choice. I’m jealous of myself, you know? I want to take care of myself first, see myself grow, be proud of my pains, of old loves.

And if in the middle of the way I find someone who respects me, and not, who tries to change me, I can even divide myself. For now, I just want to be alone. With me. I don’t know, maybe you don’t understand me, but only I know how long it took me to learn to like myself.