I hate my family and I love strangers

Sometimes many people can reject their family and embrace groups outside of them, even during adult life. In psychology, this has a clear meaning, especially if these emotions persist during adulthood.

The family is that little universe where we learn to become members of a society. There are no perfect families, because there are no perfect human beings or societies. Every family transmits and reproduces traumas, neuroses and emptiness, to a greater or lesser extent. However, in some cases this takes on great dimensions and marks the person deeply and negatively.

Some luck always floats in the family of small or big hatreds. Although it may sound paradoxical, these do not exclude the existence of great love as well. This is how human affections are, ambivalent and contradictory. The family group is not exempt from this and that is why it is considered normal for it to harbor resentments and pettiness.

“Rule your house and you will know how much firewood and rice cost; raise your children, and you will know how much you owe your parents”.

-Eastern proverb-

However, there are cases in which we are no longer talking about small hatreds, but rather about serious fractures in affections. There are many people in the world who openly declare their total rejection for the family they come from. They hate their family unit. They are ashamed of where they come from. The curious thing is that at the same time they profess great appreciation and admiration for strangers, for all those who are not part of their family environment.

Why do we come to hate the family?

Hatred towards the family contains in itself a great contradiction. It involves, in one way or another, hating oneself. Genetically and socially we are an integral part of that family nucleus, so there is a point at which we are indivisible from it. Despite this, the feeling of lack of love and rejection by the family group is something that many people experience. It corresponds to an adolescent attitude that, however, persists in many adults.

This core is not what the person wants and for them this is reason enough to reiterate their affection.

It is usual for hatred towards the family to arise because the person experiences that it has failed them in a serious way, or that it was the source of serious abuse. suffered. The family fails the person when it generates high expectations that are later not met, when it fails to attend to some basic aspect of development or when it implements an incoherent education, in which something is said and something very different is done.

Mistreatment, neglect or abuse

Abuse, for its part, encompasses many realities. Physical or emotional abandonment is one of them. Also verbal, physical or sexual abuse. Likewise, negligence or carelessness is a form of abuse. Anything that implies a systematic denial of value of a person could be understood as abuse.

There are cases in which family members are ashamed of themselves or perceive themselves as inferior to others.. They then educate from a perspective of self-deprecation. These types of families tend to be hermetic, reluctant to external contact. This is also one of the seeds of later hatred or resentment and the main cause for adopting a perception that strangers are more valuable than one’s own family.

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The excessive appreciation for strangers

During adolescence we all get a little angry with our family. Part of the search for identity rests on that conflict. As children we more or less passively accept family parameters. As we grow up, we begin to question them and pay special attention to their failures and mistakes. One of the steps that allow us to become adults is precisely to overcome that tension.

It is during adolescence when strangers appear and begin to have great relevance for us. Of course, we are much more affected by the opinion of our peer group than by the vision of our parents. Little by little we negotiate these contradictions and find a certain balance. We only finish resolving the matter when we leave home. Gradually we managed to weigh what the family gave us and what it took from us.. We ended up understanding that, in most cases, they never really wanted to hurt us.

Distance from family

Sometimes the conflict stagnates. Then the adult does not manage to leave home or leaves and discovers that paradise was not outside the home. That also out there, people break their word or do not meet their expectations. In this sense, We can be tempted to blame the family for our own inabilities.. Also in the trap of believing that for others, for strangers, life is easier than for us. That they are better qualified because they had a better family.

Hating family and worshiping strangers is an expression of unresolved adolescent conflict.. Perhaps it has not been understood that other family groups also have their breakdowns, their secrets and their neuroses. Perhaps hating our origin helps us evade responsibilities or not finish “weaning ourselves.” The bad thing is that as long as these discomforts are not overcome, it will be difficult for us to find ourselves in an adult position.

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