I feel like I don’t fit in, what do I do?

“I’ve always had the feeling of not fitting in anywhere.” There are many who spend a huge amount of their energy throughout their lives trying to fit in, to be like others. While it is true that it is important not to give up our individuality, few realities are more decisive for human beings than the sense of belonging.

On the other hand, there is one aspect that we are all clear about: there are those who suffer the weight of stigma and exclusion. As social creatures that we are, we need not only to interact with others. We long, in turn, to feel part of something, someone, to build a minimum sense of connection and security with other figures. After all, this is how we draw up our personal project.

No one should give up the opportunity to empower the “magic” of being different, and at the same time, feel the satisfaction of having that group of people with whom to grow, enjoy and learn. How to balance the scales? What should we do in the face of that constant perception that one cannot be liked or connect with almost anyone? We analyze it.

After the pandemic, many people have the perception that they do not fit into many of their interpersonal and social spaces.

I feel like I don’t fit in and I suffer for it.

It’s hard not to feel like a stranger in this world. There are times when we feel like we are going against the current., that we are stateless in a scenario where everyone seems enchanted by the same melody. While we feel inspired by other scores. We are perhaps, like those fascinating trees, the jacarandas that bloom in a violet hue, while around them, the others only bloom in green.

When I feel like I don’t fit in, I suffer for it (a norm as real as it is frequent). Even more, the complicated thing about all of this is that we are talking about a suffering that is very easy to become chronic. Because the feeling of not feeling integrated often already begins in childhood.

So much so that it is common to think that there is a problem in us, that “blooming” in a violet color, as the aforementioned tree does, is something negative. When in reality, We all have nuances that make us exceptional in the forest of life.

Bowen’s theory of vital forces

Dr. Murray Bowen (1913-1990) developed the theory of vital forces in the 1950s. by observing how people develop from an emotional and natural point of view at the same time.

Bowen explained something very valuable in this approach. This theory postulates that In the human being there are two basic and opposing vital forces. The first is a very powerful force of growth that pushes us towards individuality. It is that from which we build a self separate from our family, friends, society… The second is another equally powerful force that drives us, in turn, to seek and need emotional closeness. According to this approach, most Of us move daily in that often painful duality. We feel different because our sense of self seeks to separate itself from the rest. However, We long to fit in, to be part of those dynamics where others move.

When we suffer the “stigma” of not fitting in anywhere

When I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere, I can’t only blame myself. Sometimes I think the world itself is meaningless. This is what was demonstrated in a study carried out at the University of Michigan by doctors Gregory Walton and Geoffrey M. Cohen.

In this work it could be seen that Those people who suffer the “stigma” of exclusion constantly suffer from the “uncertainty of belonging.”. Perceiving that one does not fit in, that there are obstacles that prevent us from being part of other social groups, affects motivation, academic and work performance.

What’s more, and in turn, they have a greater risk of ending up suffering from some type of psychological alteration. On the other hand, there is a phenomenon that we have seen frequently as a result of the pandemic. After this experience, many perceive a certain disconnection with their social environment and the perception that they no longer fit in as before.

Most common reasons why someone does not fit into a group

Each person is unique, whether or not they are close to normativity. That’s whyIt’s normal for everyone to feel out of place at some point in their life.. When this becomes a period of your life instead of a specific moment, it may be due to one of these reasons:

You are in a moment of change: when your vision of things or your own life undergoes a sudden turn, it is usual to notice the contrast that has been generated with what, until now, seemed “normal”. You do not feel good about yourself : If you are suffering from some psychological discomfort, such as low self-esteem, it is common for you to feel that there is a barrier between you and others. Your relationships are superficial: feeling accompanied and part of a group is not about having many friends, but about having a few with whom to have a close and quality relationship. If you don’t have anyone with these characteristics in your life, you may feel like you don’t fit in. You are outside the norm: perhaps it is a reality that you are a weirdo. If this is your case, do not fear. Because Your oddities don’t hurt anyone, you just have to look for people who share them with you, because there is always someone.

If you want to fit in, look for your tribe, people with whom you share hobbies and passions.

I want to fit in, what can I do?

Often, that idea that “I feel like I don’t fit in” has its origins in the family. Our education and those dynamics that arise in these micro-scenarios imprint on us early on the idea that “we are not normal.” For example, we are not bright in the eyes of our parents because perhaps we are not as bright as our brother.

We may have come out more rebellious, because our hobbies, tastes and passions do not fit with the family project.. In this way, we can carry this mark for years, diminishing our social skills, self-concept and identity. For this reason, and to strengthen these dimensions and improve our sense of belonging, it is worth reflecting on these ideas.

1. Define who you are and shine it

One of the most interesting contributions that Carl Jung left us was his theory of individuation. According to this approach, one of our most important responsibilities is the following: to awaken our potential, individual consciousness, overcome fears and resistance and express ourselves to the world as we are. With security and happiness.

Such a process takes time. However, Before “wanting to fit in with others” the most appropriate thing is to fit in with ourselves. We must encourage self-acceptance, know who we are and what we want.

2. It’s not about “fitting in”, all resistance creates pain

We have all tried to “fit” a piece by force into the hole of a puzzle. We realize instantly that there is no use in using force. Not when the shapes don’t harmonize, not when the gaps don’t fit with the edges.

We must understand that, in reality, life is not about wanting to fit in, but about flowing. If we try to do it by force, we will suffer and we may even choose to give up what we are by integrating ourselves into an erroneous puzzle. We must understand that there will be people, places and groups with which we feel identified and others with which we do not. Furthermore, in our journey to find a sense of belonging with someone, We can make a thousand variations until we find our ideal space.

3. Be yourself every day of your life and your “tribe” will come to you

It’s okay if we make our own journey alone for a while. During that journey, we will limit ourselves to celebrating ourselves. Sometimes, by following the rhythm of a passion or a most unique impulse, we end up finding our own “tribe”; the one where everything harmonizes, where we are accepted and valued for every nuance, for every special nook.

4. Patience

Relationships inevitably require the passage of time to become deep. Impatience can cause you to stay on the surface and make other people notice it and therefore distance themselves from you.

Additionally, relating to other people requires work, both in the interaction itself and in yourself. Therefore, you may experience a couple of failures at first. Do not give up your efforts: it is not possible that you are alone in the world.

5. Ask for help

Lastly, don’t hesitate to ask for help if you feel like you don’t fit in. We all go through moments when we feel alone or contrast more than we would like with our surroundings. Therefore, if you feel that you are not able to fit in on your own, go to a professional.

Conclusion

To conclude, if I feel like I don’t fit in, the first thing we can do is reduce that anxiety. Managing fears, polishing insecurities and shining a light on our own sense of self and self-esteem muscle will help us find our place. Only when you feel good about yourself will the right people come along.

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