“I don’t care, you choose.” This kind of attitude can destroy your relationship!

While it’s great to have a laid-back, laid-back personality, it can really backfire in your relationship. Relationship expert Deborah McFadden of YourTango is here to share the consequences of not talking about it with your partner.

Some disagreements are meant to be done.

It happens to many people, especially women. You meet the person you believe to be your soulmate. You believe that you will live happily ever after and will always have all your needs met because he will know exactly how to take care of you.

Then you get married. You believe it’s your responsibility to keep things balanced at all times. You start working to keep the peace in your home, never talking about what you really think, feel or need. You feel that you must keep the peace no matter what, and therefore you try to be calm.

So when the kids arrive, you insist on taking “responsibility to keep everyone happy, whatever the cost.”

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Your partner asks where you’d like to go, or what you’d like to do, or which restaurant you’d like to go to, and you reply, “It doesn’t matter to me, you can choose whichever you prefer!” in an effort to be pleasant.

Then one day – let’s say – about 20 to 25 years later, you tell your spouse that you’re not happy and you want a divorce. He/she, totally scared, because he/she believed that you were happily married. You’ve done all sorts of things together as a couple and as a family. He/she will then seek help from a counselor and make you go along with him/her.

When he/she hears from you that you “never had a choice in anything”, he/she is again surprised.

Then he/she will say something like, “I always asked you what and where you wanted to go or do and you always said: I don’t care, you choose. So I chose and you seemed to be satisfied with my choice. Now you’re saying I’ve always made every decision without your input! What are you talking about?!”

Let’s take a look at some of the things that happened with the time between you and your partner, and where communication broke down.

Here are five ways to keep the peace at all costs that could ruin your relationship:

1. Over time, you began to feel resentment toward your partner.

This is obviously harmful to your relationship. You believed that deferring to your partner all the time to keep the peace was the best way to have a happy relationship. However, you ended up being an unhappy person.

You feel neglected, unloved and not cared for. You didn’t speak up and reveal your true thoughts and feelings because you feared the consequences would be drastic.

You are so intent on keeping things in order that you didn’t let your partner know that you were feeling unwell and uncared for and that your needs weren’t being met.

Conclusion: You weren’t honest with your partner. He doesn’t have a crystal ball to know all this without you telling him.

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2. You are feeling more and more disappointed in your relationship.

You believed that your partner should know exactly what you needed in your life to feel loved and cared for.

You believed that if you kept the peace and let him/her make all the decisions, then automatically he/she would show you love and care, and that he/she would consider your needs. How disappointed were you when this didn’t happen?

His disappointment only grows with time. You were so convinced that if you kept the peace, your relationship would be a “happily ever after.”

Now all you can think about is how hurt you are for him/her Apparently not care about you or anyone else, not even your children and your home.

3. You have established a standard in your relationship that you and your partner are always in agreement with.

Others look at your relationship and are really jealous of what they see. They think that you have a perfect relationship and that you are always in agreement with your partner.

The truth is, your partner believes you are always in agreement. You have done a great job of teaching him that you will always go along with his wishes and that you are actually very willing to do whatever he wants.

The more you do this, the more your partner and children (if you have them) will believe you will do it and will begin to expect you to actually do it. You’ve developed a pattern of always giving in and letting others really ride you.

4. Your partner begins to develop a false sense of security in your relationship.

Your partner faithfully believes that the relationship is perfect and that you are happy with each other. But the problem is that one of you is lying about how you really feel in the relationship. And that person is you.

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You really feel like your partner doesn’t care what you think or feel, but really what has happened is that he/she has been led to believe that you are on the same page as him/her all the time and that you are as happy as he is.

Your partner believes the lie he has been convinced over time by you.

You’ve done a great job of keeping the peace – but at what cost?

5. By the time you truly reveal the truth about how you feel, it may be too late for your relationship or marriage to recover.

Your resentment has become so deep and your pain so intense, that you may feel like all that’s left is to end the relationship. Your partner may be so surprised by your revelation that he or she will be unable to come to terms with it. He will scratch his head and wonder how this could have happened.

He/she will likely be very impressed that the relationship that appeared to be perfect was actually a lie. He/she will believe that he/she doesn’t even know the person he/she thought he/she knew and was married or dating.

He might do all kinds of things to show you that he really loves you and cares for you, but you might believe it’s a little too late for that.

Conclusion:

You may experience some not-so-peaceful moments in your relationship, but it’s important that you and your partner work together and talk about each of your thoughts and feelings and what is important to you.

If you haven’t been telling the truth over the years you’ve been together, be prepared for your partner to feel cheated. You can teach him/her to believe in you, but you have to be persistent and keep following the truth. The work may be difficult, but you can do it. Stay with him/her. Do not give up!

If you need help, seek professional help to guide you and help you make these changes in your relationship.

You can have a relationship that is based on love and truth, but you have to face your own fears related to what peace really is and understand that sometimes you will have to “rock the boat” to reach a peaceful resolution.

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