How to manage emotions effectively

Throughout our lives we have often found ourselves in situations that have made us think: “I want to stop feeling this way” or “I don’t know why I have acted this way.” Although emotions are the most primitive and natural part of all of us, sometimes we find them tremendously confusing and uncontrollable.. Learning to manage emotions is a process, at the end of which you find yourself.

When we do not have control over our emotions, they have control over us. At that moment we have let go of the reins and we are adrift before what our internal states dictate. But, contrary to what is usually our natural instinct, managing emotions does not mean repressing them. It means knowing them, understanding them and accepting them so deeply that we can flow into their presence.

How to manage emotions effectively

In general, people do not have a clear idea of ​​how to relate to our emotions. Most of the time we simply fall prey to its intensityfeeling something that bothers and displeases us and acting in ways that, coldly, we would not choose.

Besides, At times we try to gain control, but we do so by following inappropriate strategies.. We tend to repress the feeling, ignore it, deny it, or force ourselves to make it go away. Ironically, when we try to run away from an emotion, it finds its way to manifest with much greater force.

Finally, we end up frustrated by our fruitless attempts. The reality is that the key to managing an emotion is not to go around it, but to go through it.. To get rid of sadness we have to feel it, give it space, listen to it. To get rid of fear we have to face it. If we want to end anger, we have to find a way to channel it.

What am I feeling?

Definitely, The first step in this process is knowing how to clearly define what we are feeling. Having a wide emotional vocabulary is essential, because it allows us to put a name to what happens to us. Many times we are not able to express our feelings beyond “I’m good” or “I’m bad.” With such poor precision it is difficult to know how to act.

So, first, let’s expand our repertoire of emotional terms. We can start by trying to identify the basic emotions: joy, surprise, fear, sadness, disgust, anger. But this is not enough, we need to incorporate into our minds a clear concept of more complex and elaborate emotions such as disappointment, frustration, guilt or shame.

This will help us, first of all, to discover the reality of our feelings and their origin. But it will also guide us towards a specific and appropriate action.. The steps to follow when feeling disappointment are different than when we experience frustration. If we are not able to differentiate them, we can make the mistake of trying to solve them in the wrong way.

During this process of naming what we feel, it is also necessary to reflect on these sensations. Some questions that can guide us are:

What am I feeling right now? (disappointed, confused, angry).What happened to make me feel this way? (“My partner ignored my text message”).Does the situation have a different explanation that might make sense? (“maybe she’s stressed about her job”).What do I want to do with these feelings? (Scream, vent my frustration by throwing things, send a rude text message).Is there a better way to deal with them? (asks if everything is okay).

Considering possible alternatives that explain what has happened helps us modify our first emotional reaction.

Take distance from what you feel

After identifying the emotion, the next thing is to distance ourselves from it. This means flee or avoid, but step away from emotions to see them from a broader perspective. This will help us obtain a broader and clearer vision of the emotion. Contemplating the situation from above will allow us to broaden our point of view on it and better observe the context in which we are and in which the emotion has been triggered. David (2020) offers several techniques to distance ourselves from what we feel.

Think about the process: See yourself in a long process and on a path of continuous growth.Look for the contradiction: Embracing and accepting these contradictions improves your tolerance for uncertainty.Laugh: Humor can be a distancing practice, because it forces you to see new possibilities. But don’t use humor to cover up the real pain.Change your point of view: See your emotions from another person’s perspective. What would your best friend feel or think if he were in that situation?Verbalize what worries you: Identify your thought as what it is (a thought) and that emotion as what it is (an emotion). You can formulate it as “I am having the thought that…” or “I am feeling the emotion…”Talk to yourself in the third person: This strategist allows you to go beyond the point of view of your egocentrism and control your reaction.

I accept and take control

Once the emotion has been identified and distanced from it, the next step is to accept its presence. This does not mean trying to deny or run away from what we feel. It is necessary to give time and space to our feelings so that they simply exist. Allowing ourselves to feel fully helps reduce the intensity of the emotion: when it comes, let it be and it will go away. Additionally, this provides us with the opportunity to reflect on what message that emotion brings us.

Perhaps it is alerting us that we are acting against our principles, that we have unhealthy and unrealistic expectations, or that another person is disrespecting us. Understanding the message is essential to act in the right direction. From here we can modify our attitude, our thoughts or assertively ask others to modify their behavior.

Follow your own path

By accepting what we feel, it is essential that we continue on our course. Following the path means live by our set of values. Values ​​are those vital directions that we choose intentionally and that are associated with a succession of moments along our path (Hayes, 2013). Choosing our path is identifying the values ​​that are truly ours and living in harmony with them.

Emotions come and go naturally. Life goes on and we must do the same without holding on to our feelings. After we have distanced ourselves and accepted what we feel, it is crucial that we focus on our own path and learn from what we are feeling to live better and grow.

To connect a little with your values ​​and the way you want to live from now on, you can ask yourself (David, 2020):

What do I care about? What kind of relationships do I want to have? What do I want my life to consist of? How do I feel most of the time? What kinds of situations make me feel more vital? If a miracle and this feeling of rejection suddenly disappeared from my life, what would it be like and what new things would I do?

Keep going, don’t stop

To move forward after an emotion, it is necessary to do changes in our way of living, so that it is consistent with our values. For them, we can make small adjustments to our daily routine, so that on a daily basis we can live in tune with the values ​​that move and guide us.

Moving forward implies that what we feel no longer defines our way of relating to ourselves, others and life. The sensation may continue to be there, however, it is no longer what guides our thoughts, much less our existence. YesMoving forward will not only help us let go of what prevents us from continuing with our lives.will also allow us to live more authentically.

Finally, it is important that we begin to see emotions for what they really are: a compass, a guide that tells us that something important is happening and that we should take action on the matter. However, our response must always come from a state of calm. It is necessary that this space for prior reflection occurs.

This is really important, since without it we will be reacting, not acting. By reacting you abandon power over yourself and give it to circumstances. Instead, When you act, you deliberately decide which path you will follow and where it will lead you.

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