How to forgive yourself and get over the past

Forgiving oneself and overcoming the past requires delicate psycho-emotional craftsmanship. The pain for a yesterday that we feel guilty about is like a loose thread in our existential fabric. If we pull on it, we have the feeling that everything could fall apart. It is not good to live with that permanent anguish, with that inner sadness that does not allow us to move forward.

The composer Frédéric Chopin said that it is useless to return to what once was and no longer is. It is true, we all know that it is not appropriate to constantly place our gaze in the rearview mirror of the past, in that dimension that no longer exists. However, the mind is devious and likes to put its finger in the wound and its eye in the peephole of failure.

What can we do in these circumstances? The first thing will undoubtedly be to refuse to be trapped in that debilitating pattern orchestrated by self-punishment. We can and must develop adequate resources to manage this psychological reality. We analyze it.

Reasons why someone does not forgive themselves

Although we have all felt guilt at some point and have had a hard time overcoming it, a priori it seems easy to forgive yourself. However, since experience refutes this statement, it is useful to stop and analyze the factors that cause this dead end:

The mistake made has had intensely negative consequencessuch as the loss of a friendship or being fired from a job.The ego of the person who makes the mistake does not allow him to make mistakes and, as these are inevitable, an unsolvable mental scenario is created.External agents that promote the cycle of guilteither constantly remembering it or, for example, magnifying the consequences of the failure.

Keys to forgiving yourself

Since we were children we have been taught the importance of not hating and being able to forgive others. And, indeed, we learn it. Sooner or later we become aware that stopping projecting contempt or resentment onto others heals, soothes and allows us to move forward in every sense. Now, something that Nobody has ever told us that it is also necessary to know how to forgive oneself.

And why should we do it? Many will think. The answer is simple: for mental health. At some point, we can all make mistakes that we regret, fail, hurt others with our decisions and also lead to situations that we regret later. Making mistakes is human, but constantly blaming ourselves for them is unhealthy.

In this way, research work, such as those carried out at King’s College London and the University of Manchester, points out something important. The feeling of guilt is behind major depression in many cases.

Thus, understanding how to forgive yourself and move on from the past is one of the best tools to prevent this mood disorder. We analyze it.

Acceptance and responsibility: you are master of yourself, both to err and to heal

When it comes to overcoming a traumatic yesterday that we carry around like a slab, one aspect must be kept in mind. What happened was bad, but You didn’t know what was going to happen and you didn’t have the experience you have now. Therefore, it is decisive to understand that we all have the full right to err, but we also have the obligation to heal the wound.

Stop being ashamed of that mistake or failure, stop fueling self-hatred and criticism. Instead, try to understand what happened by placing it in its corresponding frame of reference. What prompted that decision? What was happening at that moment for you to act that way?

Everything has an explanation and understanding it will allow us to see it from another, more logical and not so emotional perspective. Let’s remember, Self-understanding facilitates self-forgiveness.

Examine your resistance: it’s time to let go of the past

When it comes to forgiving yourself and getting over the past It is necessary to become aware of our resistances. We all have. They are mental obstacles that prevent us from moving forward, which act as psychological anchors and slabs. For example, there are those who do not stop feeding guilt day after day. On the other hand, others may fall into addictive behaviors.

Embrace your fragility and learn from the experience

You have the right to fail, to make small and big mistakes. In this existence, as part of your humanity, you are allowed to be fallible and vulnerable, You can even show the world your worst version and later regret it.

Living is changing, going from the worst to the best, intelligently exploiting virtues and defects, but above all if you are allowed this it is to give you learning opportunities. Take advantage of them.

When it comes to forgiving yourself and getting over the past, look for compensation

Every exercise of forgiveness requires an exercise of compensation. What do we mean by this term? It’s easy to understand. If you believe that your behavior caused someone pain and you feel guilty about it, do not drag that suffering any further and ask for forgiveness.

Likewise, if you drag with you the haze of resentment and regret, think about actions that allow you to obtain a feeling of repair. Show yourself that you have learned from the experience and that you can improve yourself.

Celebrate a moment of farewell, it is time to start a new stage

There are very interesting therapeutic rituals that facilitate self-forgiveness and the beginning of a new stage. Example of this is say out loud phrases like “I forgive myself and give myself a new opportunity to be happy.” Taking a short trip or giving ourselves some time to rest and introspect usually helps in these cases.

In that small farewell ceremony or ritual, we will let go of our previous version (the one who blames herself for the past) to welcome the future self (the person who learned from yesterday and looks to tomorrow with hope). Let’s try it.

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