How to Differentiate Between Narcissism and Avoidant Attachment

Have you ever wondered if your partner is a narcissist? If so, it is likely that you have observed atypical and unpleasant behaviors; For example, refusing to talk about problems or disappearing when the relationship falters. In this situation, it is important to differentiate between narcissism and avoidant attachment, since similar behaviors appear in both cases.

It is worth mentioning that at some point we can all have this type of attitude without this implying that we suffer from a disorder. Nor is it positive to hide behind labels to blame others for everything that happens. However, the right information can help us make decisions.

What is narcissism?

narcissism It’s a personality disorder which is characterized because the individual gives himself excessive importance. Furthermore, this oversizing of the self is usually combined with a demand for excessive attention. These traits complicate their personal relationships, which become instrumental (the other is only a means to an end).

The narcissistic person believes he or she is truly superior and expects favored treatment. He feels that others owe it to him, to his well-being and to the satisfaction of his desires, and tends to establish very unsymmetrical relationships. They tend to be arrogant people, who exaggerate their achievements, feel envy and tend to be easily offended.

First of all, They are unable to perceive and take into account the needs and emotions of others. For this reason, in a relationship they are likely to treat their partner with a certain veiled contempt and do not show emotional responsibility.

Narcissistic people instrumentalize others.

What is avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment It is a bonding style learned from childhood. Mainly due to the relationship with the main caregivers (parents) and certain early experiences, people develop a certain attachment style.

The avoidant is characterized by a distant attitude and marked independence. The person is usually distrustful and fears (and avoids) getting emotionally involved with others. He has difficulty expressing his emotions and being vulnerable, and prefers to keep his relationships superficial.

This fear of intimacy makes relationships difficult, since there is hardly that bit of admiration for the other that is so necessary. And people with avoidant attachment try not to get overly involved in relationships and have problems facing the difficulties that every couple goes through.

Similar attitudes and behaviors between narcissism and avoidant attachment

As you see, narcissism and avoidant attachment are two very different realities. However, its manifestations in everyday life, and especially in relationships, can be similar and become confusing. These are some behaviors and attitudes that people of both categories can present when they are in a relationship:

Difficulties expressing emotions and affection At the couple. They can be unloving and undemonstrative, even when the romantic partner expresses that she needs more attention and love from him. When disagreements, disagreements or differences of opinion arise in the couple, they refuse to talk about it. Refuse to have conversations about feelings or the relationship, they avoid them and prefer to flee or escape from their partner’s demand to talk about it. In line with the above, if the situation is tense or unpleasant, they may completely avoid meeting their partner; and, if they do, They don’t talk to him or look at himIf the relationship is going through a difficult time, they tend to run away. This attitude may simply consist of spending more time dedicated to other activities (instead of being with your partner) or simply disappearing for a few hours, days, or indefinitely. Generally, They are little involved in the relationship and they prefer to dedicate their time to other activities. Because of this, the couple may feel neglected and little taken into account.

The big differences between narcissism and avoidant attachment

The above are situations that both those who date a narcissistic person and those who are in a relationship with someone with avoidant attachment can frequently experience. Now, although in practice their attitudes are similar, the intentions and substance are very different.

The person with avoidant attachment has poor emotional management. Because of her attachment style, she learned not to express her feelings, not to be vulnerable, and to be self-sufficient, since her care figures did not respond to her demands. So, as an adult, fears emotional intimacy and may feel overwhelmed in certain situations.

If you cannot express your affection, if you avoid conflict and refuse to talk, if you seem distant and focus on other areas of your life, it is because the emotional world intimidates you and overwhelms you. You really feel uncomfortable with excess intimacy or emotional intensity; and If you avoid or neglect your partner, it is to avoid that discomfort.. However, you do care about the other person, you can empathize with them and you do not want to hurt them with their actions.

On the contrary, the narcissistic person only thinks about himself and his own desires. He understands that his partner is there to satisfy him and that any claim or discussion on his part is unacceptable, as it is causing him problems. Thus, he applies the silent treatment to punish and blame; He neglects his partner simply because he wants to do other things and does not take other people’s feelings into account. And not only does he run away and refuse to talk, but he also accuses the other person of being problematic, complaining or exaggerating.

Furthermore, the narcissist may show contradictory attitudes. Some days he is cold, avoidant and distant and other days he is extremely intense and pours out attention and flattery; and it is that He always moves according to his own convenience and desire.

The person with avoidant attachment, fearing intimacy, may give the impression that they are not interested in their relationships, although this is not the case.

Final recommendations

In short, the main difference between narcissism and avoidant attachment is the way empathy operates. An avoidant person may be aware of their difficulties and try not to harm others, even seeking help or taking therapy to find a solution. On the contrary, a narcissistic person will never admit his mistakes, his problems or his abuses; will blame and accuse the partner and, therefore, will not ask for help or seek change.

If your partner shows some of the above attitudes and behaviors, try to discern what it is. Even seek professional guidance if you need it. This way, you will be able to understand and make decisions to guarantee your well-being. Remember that no label justifies someone hurting us.

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