How to differentiate a healthy relationship from a toxic relationship?

When we are immersed in a toxic relationship, it is difficult to have an overview of the situation and see the problems clearly: that’s why so many people subject themselves to continue living a hell full of small paradises.

To find out if you are in a toxic relationship, or even to help you see the problems in the relationships of the people you care about, we have prepared a list of the 7 main differences between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship.

When you are in a relationship that makes you feel good, you feel better and see yourself as a better version of yourself – it doesn’t mean that the person next to you completes you, it means that they are a complement in your life.

However, when the feeling is the opposite, it’s time to pay attention to these differences:

You are free to do what you like and keep your friendships.

Nothing at the root of your identity should change drastically because of your relationship. The other person must recognize that pursuing their desires and hobbies, even if individually, is important for their growth and character development.

Kari Carroll, a couples therapist in Portland, United States, says that a space in the relationship is healthy and it is also fundamental that each one develops something that is part of their personality: “Not being able to see what the other person is doing and conquering something alone is a clear sign of selfishness.”

You don’t act any different when you’re around the other person.

Have you ever noticed that your behavior changes when you are around the other person? Do you seem more true to yourself when you’re with your friends or family?

It is likely that you prefer to act differently on your girlfriend’s side, for example, for fear of her repression: “In a healthy relationship, your personality and interests remain the same regardless of who is on your side. If you act differently when your partner is around, it’s a bad sign,” explains Marie Land, a psychologist in Washington.

“You shouldn’t feel the need to adjust your behavior according to your partner’s presence.”

Power is relatively equal

In a healthy relationship, power and responsibilities are evenly distributed, says Amy Kipp, a couples therapist in San Antonio, also in the United States.

You can count on the other person to respect your obligations: “Both should have equal decision-making power in all aspects of the relationship. In toxic relationships one member of the couple is predominantly dominant or the two are in an eternal dispute to ‘win’ the other”.

You are free to conquer your dreams

The dreams and goals of both may not be aligned, but the two respect and support each other. For example, your wife may point out the negatives and be a little suspicious about her idea of ​​opening a restaurant, but at the end of the day, she will support you because she wants her happiness and is rooting for you.

“If your partner frequently criticizes your dreams or says they are unrealistic, you will not feel understood and believe that you have no support. Over time, this can make you give up on your dreams,” says Kipp.

A shared life is complicated enough without all this dream destruction.

So if you want to find out how toxic your relationship is, you can start looking at how your girlfriend views your dreams and also how you view her dreams.

Your differences are celebrated

Small differences, like the fact that she likes olives and you don’t, are celebrated – and the big ones, too. For example, your girlfriend doesn’t need to have the same political views as you or the same religious beliefs, but you respect those differences without trying too hard to change her mind (the same goes for the opposite situation).

Kipp explains: “In toxic relationships, couples find that these differences threaten the relationship; In healthy relationships, differences of opinion are not just tolerated but celebrated.”

You can leave your cell phone unlocked

In a healthy relationship you don’t worry about leaving your cell phone unlocked next to your girlfriend, and she doesn’t mind doing the same because she knows you won’t invade her privacy.

A couple who love and trust each other know that there is no problem with WhatsApp conversations and don’t need to check with their own eyes to be sure.

Each one has their conversations with friends and their particularities and intimacies, not everything needs to be completely divided – especially the chat with friends about topics that do not interest the other member of the couple.

You can speak up when you’re feeling hurt

Not bothering to argue and talk to the other person is a good sign. Being able to talk about what worries you and what hurt you without being afraid of reprisals and retaliation is something extremely healthy for the couple.

However, if you feel uncomfortable talking, it’s time to worry: “Knowing that you can talk and that you will be heard is extremely important. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing a misunderstanding, it could lead to resentment and other bigger problems down the road. Learning to argue can be uncomfortable but it is very rewarding.”

Notice one or more of these signs? See our text on what to do if you are an abusive boyfriend or the victim in this type of relationship!

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