Being in a relationship implies many things, among them assuming a certain vulnerability, which results from newly formed intimacy. All of this turns relationships into an emotional roller coaster, with insecurity and anxiety right. Insecurity comes from a lack of self-confidence and can generate anxiety, which is the fear of what might happen.

To appease these feelings and achieve a happy relationship, there are some techniques you can adopt:

Dealing with Anxiety:

1- Realize if you are suffering from anxiety.

The line between healthy and unhealthy nervousness is very thin. Notice if what you feel interferes with your daily life and your relationship, as you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder; if that’s the case, talk to a doctor and make emotionally positive changes. Some symptoms are:

excessive worry
lack of sleep
chronic indigestion
Depression
Sweating

2- Get to the essence of the problem.

Relationship anxiety is often caused by deeper fears, and finding out what causes them is the first step in resolving them. Reflect on what you really fear and find out if your fears have anything to do with your insecurities.

3- Think about your relationship.

Reflect on him and try to see if he cooperates with your insecurity. Are you in an abusive relationship and is it causing you anxiety?

On the other hand, maybe you realize that your relationship or marriage is great and that you need help right now.

Once you discover the root of your insecurity (whether it’s an abusive relationship or personal issues), you can take action to resolve it, whether that’s breaking up or going to therapy.

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Note: Pay attention to your friends and family: they can help you see if your partner is the problem. Maybe they say you’re not the same anymore, or make excuses whenever you call them to do something; maybe they’ve said they don’t like your boyfriend directly, or have implied it whenever they remember how cool it was when you were single. All this must be analyzed.

dealing with insecurity

1- Discover your inner critic.

We all have one and that can be healthy to some degree. However, there are times when the critic becomes an aggressor, speaks louder than reason and causes insecurity.

Confront your inner aggressor; pondering your thoughts will give you the opportunity to reflect on them rationally, without going through the related feelings.

Some examples of criticism are:

You will always get it wrong, anyway.
He/she is too much sand for your truck.
He/she will leave as soon as he/she realizes who you are.
Eventually he/she will get bored.
You’re not pretty enough.

2- Put the inner aggressor in its proper place.

Make a list of the worst criticisms you ever give yourself and put them aside. When you are calmer, in a moment of real tranquility, read it again.

Think if you really agree with everything that is written or if you disagree with the majority right now. Consider whether the generalizations you make are true.

After a good analysis, start crossing off all the statements you disagree with. From there, he begins to resolve these thoughts with a positive and healthy posture.

3- Look back.

Insecurity is usually a reflection of previous experiences, so think about everything you’ve lived and find out what might be causing your anxiety; maybe it’s nothing directly related to the relationship.

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Think about your academic, family and romantic background – is there something behind it all?

4- Stop comparing yourself to others.

Just as insecurity has a root in the past, we learn to live our relationships based on past models and relationships; comparing your current relationship with the previous one is a negative attitude and can only generate insecurity and dissatisfaction.

Your current partner is unique and will be different from anyone else you’ve dated before.

Likewise, don’t give in to the temptation to compare yourself to his ex-partners. After all, for some reason he’s with you now, which makes comparing yourself to others a huge waste of time.

Talk to your partner

1- Your boyfriend/husband/wife doesn’t read your mind.

Just as you can’t tell what’s on his mind, don’t expect him to know what’s on yours. A big cause of anxiety is thinking that something is obvious and hoping that the other person will also notice it, and when their reaction doesn’t match what they think is appropriate, insecurity arises.

Another example is thinking you’ve made it clear that a certain behavior you dislike, but maybe your partner hasn’t noticed how you feel. Don’t expect him to see events from the same point of view, or to know what you’re feeling.

2- Talk to your boyfriend/husband/wife.

When you’re not in the midst of a crisis of insecurity, sit down to talk about your feelings and needs; without clarity in communication, he/she will never know what is really going on. In addition to being informed, he must have the space to react and respond. Prepare to talk about what he thinks is necessary before you meet.

Write a list, if necessary.
Be specific. Don’t make generalizations, tackle the problem at the root if you can.
Focus on attitudes, feelings and solutions. Avoid pointing fingers and blaming him or her for things, as this will get you nowhere.
You might say, “When you don’t respond to my text messages, I’m afraid you don’t want to talk to me anymore and you’re not interested in me anymore. I know I need to be more patient, but I need your help to feel safe. Please don’t wait for a whole day to pass before responding so I don’t get worried.”

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3- Always talk.

It takes an ongoing effort on both sides to make a healthy relationship last and that includes communication. A conversation alone will not solve the problem; storing and mulling over a lot of stuff and throwing it all on top of him at once doesn’t help either. So talking about the relationship more often should be a habit.

Set aside 15 minutes a day to chat with him. Ask open-ended questions of each other and genuinely listen to what they have to say.
Ask questions like “What do you really want to do but are scared to death?”, “What would your dream vacation look like?” or “Talk about a good or bad experience that changed who you were forever.”