When disappointing the family means being able to be ourselves

Sometimes, disappointing the family is almost an obligation in order to be free, to reaffirm ourselves as people, as individuals deserving of their own happiness and managers of their own independence. Breaking or questioning certain family mandates is a healthy act that renews us inside and out.and which in turn puts “our people” in the complex and necessary crossroads of accepting ourselves as we are or letting ourselves go.

Is not easy. Throughout the first stage of the life cycle there is always a moment when the child wakes up and become fully aware of those subtle inconsistencies that inhabit many family dynamics. He perceives with astonishment, for example, what his parents sternly advise him and what they themselves do not apply. He also feels uncomfortably that bitter distance between the expectations placed on his head and those that he freely constructs, feels and considers.

Family mandates are like little atoms colliding with each other. They create an invisible matter that no one is aware of, but that suffocates. They originate from intergenerational force, from our system of beliefs, demands and unconscious codes; those that are expressed not only in the type of messages emitted during communication, but also in the tone and non-verbal language.

And so Almost without realizing it, we are shaped by a series of attributes and beliefs that we internalize silently. already hard. Until we suddenly realize that we do not fit into that puzzle, we realize that our “functional” family may not be so functional, because there are too many silences, too many low gazes that avoid meeting each other. It is then when one decides to make a decision, one’s own path that will sometimes have a high cost: disappointing our loved ones.

The complexity of some family ties

When Lucas came into the world his mother was 41 years old and his father was 46. For their parents, having an only child was not a choice, but the result of a very hard process. Before him, his mother suffered four spontaneous abortions and after him, he suffered one more. Without wanting it, and of course without wanting it, he was always that lonely survivor on whom his family projected a whole manual of expectations, a whole compendium of hopes, dreams and desires.

However, Lucas was never a good student, nor was he docile or calm nor, even less, obedient.. The worst of all is that, during that entire period of failures at school, she had to live with the specter of his invisible siblings, those who were never born and yet his parents always had them in mind. “Surely one of them would have become an engineer like me”, “Surely one of them would have been more focused, more responsible…”

In addition to the constant imaginary idealization of his parents, Lucas also has had to face the occasional inappropriate message from some uncles and some grandparents. “Listen to your mother, leave music and focus on a career. Your parents have suffered a lot to have you and it wouldn’t cost you anything to make them happy for once…

Now, at that age when one can finally take responsibility for one’s decisions, Lucas heads abroad to enter a conservatory. He is aware that he is going to disappoint his people. He knows that he is going to cause pain, but he is unable to integrate into that family paradigm inhabited by ghosts and impossible expectations. Lucas needs to fulfill himself, aspire to a coherent life between what “I do, I say and feel.”

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When disappointing means getting others to open their eyes

An interesting study was carried out last year at the University of Utah, where it was explained which strategies were most helpful to those people who considered themselves the “black sheep” of their family units. No one will be surprised to know that this type of situation, beyond the symbolic nature of the term, is extremely complex, so much so that the reason for many of our emotional problems have their origin in that harsh clash of values, needs and beliefs that we have with ourselves. our own family.

Knowing how to react, knowing how to effectively handle this type of reality is essential for our well-being.. Thus, the three conclusions drawn from this interesting study can serve as appropriate guidance in case we are going through a similar situation.

We must perceive ourselves as “resilient black sheep”people capable of reacting to adversity to move forward, but without forgetting everything we have experienced, everything we have learned. Finding help, support or guidance outside our family circle is essential to take into account other perspectives, to combine self-confidence, courage for taking decisions.It is also necessary to be assertive with our family, because expressing one’s needs, thoughts and desires out loud does not have to be a threat if we do it with respect, maturity and conviction. If disappointment arises, it will be nothing more than an effective and necessary way to bring them closer to the truth.

At the same time, and finally, It is convenient that we do not perceive ourselves as “marginalized.” Although many “black sheep” do not mind – apparently – being that “disruptive” or “challenging” element of the family nucleus, sometimes the “black sheep” end up being slaves to the label that others have placed on them. and in which they have found certain reinforcement. This is how, for example, someone can end up systematically opposing any unwritten family rule or wish, no matter how much she also prefers that option.

Let’s relativize that biased value that has been placed on us for so long, and Let us also understand that sometimes disappointing does not have any negative connotation.. It is a necessary act with which to reaffirm ourselves as independent people with our own criteria.

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Images courtesy of Łukasz Gładki