Destructive behaviors in a relationship

The relationship is a bond between two people that must be cultivated and worked on every day.. It involves daily coexistence and as such is susceptible to being immersed in different conflicts and discrepancies. If the members of the couple do not act from love and respect towards each other to resolve these conflicts, it is very possible that the relationship will end up withering.

Dr. John Gottman is one of the pioneers in the study of romantic relationships. After studying numerous couples for years, today he can affirm that there are certain destructive behaviors or attitudes that are good predictors of failure.

On the other hand, there are also couples that work very well as such. This again has to do with a series of common ingredients that predict the continuity over time of the couple, as well as their well-being. In any case, the ingredients that should never be missing in a relationship, whatever type it may be, are: respect, affection, trust and communication.

If we find ourselves in a couple in which these ingredients are present, It is likely that we can enjoy the relationship, regardless of the arguments or conflicts that sometimes arise.. If, on the other hand, we notice that there are some elements that we are missing, it would be necessary for the couple to try to work on that point.

Destructive behaviors in the relationship

As we have mentioned, there are certain behaviors in relationships that predict failure. In this article we are going to point out those that seem most relevant to us and that directly attack the basic pillars that support every healthy relationship: respect, affection, trust and communication.

The contempt. Despising others means putting them in an inferior position with respect to us. It may involve other behaviors, such as humiliation, destructive criticism or criticism that does not contribute anything to the other person, or directly insulting and disrespecting the other person.. Obviously, when someone despises us and it is something that is repeated repeatedly in the relationship, it is because he does not love us. In this case, it is important that we reconsider whether it is really worth continuing in that relationship.Ignore. It is one of the most destructive behaviors that exist. Ignoring the other person when there is a conflict or argument is forgetting that that person – who is our partner and we are supposed to love them – has communication needs., expression, support, etc. The ignored person can feel tremendously humiliated and what usually happens in the long term is that they end up with their self-esteem on the floor, even believing that they do not deserve the other’s attention or that they have done something wrong.Cancel the other. If we are in a relationship in which the other person tells us how we should be, what we should be interested in, what friends we should have, etc., they are canceling us out. When a person loves another person, they accept them as they are, unconditionally. Precisely because of how she is, it is assumed that he has chosen her. The moment someone wants the other person to change, he doesn’t love them.Codependency. This behavior is important. There are people who are not able to leave a relationship because they feel that they need their partner. They prefer to put up with criticism, cancellation, indifference so as not to be alone. In the same way, the other member feels reinforced because her partner depends on him. We therefore enter the field of emotional codependency, something tremendously destructive that can lead to very negative consequences for the couple.Never try hard. It is true that we have to be honest with our partner and show ourselves as we are, but sometimes it is also necessary to give in. For example, if our partner is asking us to accompany him to an event, even if we don’t feel like it too much, we can make the effort. In the same way, it is necessary that other times it is our partner who corresponds to us. In this sense, We demonstrate with actions that we love the other person and that sometimes, we don’t mind sacrificing ourselves.

Why do we hold on so long?

Sometimes couples endure this type of destructive behavior for too long.. It is logical that sometimes we make mistakes as a couple and it is healthy to be flexible and tolerant with the other member. Understand that you could have made a mistake. The problem arises when it is something recurring, which defines the relationship. Think about how you would draw yourself with your partner. Hand in hand? Kissing? Arguing?. The way you draw your partner largely projects what is present in your mind onto them.

If we are aware, even in a small way, that our partner has become toxic, we must weigh the pros and cons and be willing to let go. Most of the time it is so difficult for us to end the relationship because there is a general fear of loneliness. We think about loneliness catastrophically and not objectively. We believe that we are really going to be totally alone, when in reality we are surrounded by people.

On the other hand, There are certain thoughts that try to trick us into not leaving the relationship. A very common thought is “Surely it will change.” Another very typical thought is “If I leave the relationship, I’m sure he’ll find another person he’s better off with.” You have to try to ignore these thoughts. Actually, They are the result of our deep fear of abandonment or loneliness and try to “protect” us, but they produce the opposite effect.

The most sensible thing is to stop deceiving ourselves, observe all the facts objectively, as if we were a spectator of our own relationship and make a firm decision. Once we have passed this point – the most complicated – we will have to be willing to go through the tunnel of grief and arrive renewed at acceptance.

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