Harmless and affectionate phrases that turn us into puppets in relationships

Clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer believes that there are certain types of phrases that can be an effective tool used by manipulators. But there are other situations when even the kindest words from close people take on a perverse meaning. It’s not always a matter of lies: the couple can sincerely believe your statements, but implement them following an unexpected script. Also, this article is not about looking for bad intentions in a simple “good morning”. Based on the opinion of Professors Preston Ni and Suzanne Degges-White, we will tell you when and why we should be alarmed.

Some expressions are wonderful when we hear them, but they can have different interpretations depending on the nature of the relationship. O incredible.club will talk in this post about when and why we should be concerned.

It may happen that the partner wants to obtain some benefit or solve some problem according to his own wishes. There are many examples: from buying a video game on credit to participating in an unsupported financial adventure. It is the famous “I want” that does not have enough monetary resources, and requests to wait until things get better are ignored. In response, the partner says he will do anything to settle all debts.

Naturally, there are many situations in which we must take risks and face something blindly. And the person may really think that he will do his best to improve the situation… but that is at some point, later on.

If you want to understand if there is a threat in the optimistic “we’ll be fine”, you need to evaluate your partner’s actions in similar circumstances, which have occurred before. If there is no predisposition to believe that miracles can happen, the promises hide another meaning: “The important thing now is to do what I want. Then I will wait until everything is resolved somehow.”

A person who is impulsive should not be wrongly accused. But you can’t take their word for it if this has happened before. The role of a sober strategist is up to you.

Certainly, most people like to hear phrases like: “you are the most precious thing I have”, or “you are the air that I breathe”. However, even when these phrases are not just banal flattery, it is worth reflecting on their meaning. This type of thinking is often expressed by a partner who is unable to achieve other accomplishments outside of the relationship. In short, he has nothing else to do, so your life is his life.

They are not clear reasons to “escape” or end the relationship, but it can generate a feeling of dishonest victory in the struggle for love or even discomfort, in which, in fact, you are everything the other has and without you, he is not anything. What should be done? Don’t let your partner cancel out in the relationship, or give up on your own desires and dreams. If the problem is ignored, the plot of the next point can come true.

We are talking about cases where a person puts himself in the shoes of the victim and invents a series of tests that he is able to bravely overcome. In the name of the relationship, of course. The intention to perform feats can be justified:

To try to understand its inconsistency in other spheres. With the hope that the partner will express their gratitude eternally.

Researchers warn: Sacrifice affects a relationship in this way. The “benefactors” remain without “rewards” and the “beneficiaries” are marked as “debtors”. The moral of the story? Good must be authentic, done without expecting anything in return.

This situation is pertinent for couples whose relationships have been based on the principle that “the man is the breadwinner and head of the family, and the woman is his inspiration.”

The higher a woman’s salary, the unhappier her partner will be. In moments of frankness, he might even admit that she wants to earn more… more than her🇧🇷 At first glance, we might think that there is nothing wrong with this desire. Problems arise when they don’t match man’s attempts to earn more🇧🇷 So there are two possible scenarios:

A woman’s career is put on the back burner for different reasons. For example, the global financial crisis, company reorganization, the birth of a child. When her income level drops, her husband calms down. Because, after all, her wish was fulfilled, no matter how, nor does it matter if the woman is unhappy with the outcome. A woman’s success is sabotaged: with moral pressure, with extremist speeches and, sometimes,
even with ultimatums.

The possibilities of reaching an agreement are viable until the second scenario is implemented. If the situation has reached the level of sabotage, it is worth reviewing the relationship.

That the foundation of a good relationship is trust, we all know. Point. But this is an inherent right of both parties. When we open our soul and heart to a person, we have to be sure that he doesn’t burn it to ashes.

Do not ignore the alarming facts:

The companion demands unlimited access to the depths of your soul, but opens his own little by little, depending on your mood. The partner craves open confessions, but is periodically caught in lies. Although they look small or innocent at first glance. Information provided at a time of “vulnerability” is used against you.

If all of the above is a little familiar for you, you might want to consider being more alert and watching your partner more closely.

Let’s say your partner is not happy with the relationship you have with some friends or relatives. Reflect on your reasons. He demonstrates his interest in protecting “family boundaries” this way:

“Vicente always interferes…”, “your aunt Lili advised…”. He accuses his family of not stopping visiting his house, of being close by all the time, of not respecting his privacy; He does not refuse a beer marathon (shopping or virtual games) with friends, even if he has an appointment with his family or is at a family dinner. Because? Because the partner will understand, but it is difficult to resist reproaches from offended friendships.

It is normal for a person to defend himself against negative influences and advice that he believes to be “useless”. What is not normal is a relationship with a narcissistic person. Scientists warn: this type of person does not like it when he is not able to “work” on the victim, and therefore tries to isolate him from his possible defenders or those who can open his eyes to the excesses committed by his partner. If attempts to communicate with other people you know are sabotaged, you need to check the level of toxicity in the relationship.

The phrase “I would be nothing without you” has several connotations:

“You are a good influence in my life.” “Your love saves me”. “I am willing to change for you”.

And they all acquire negative tones in a codependent relationship. One of the companions is assigned the role of “Savior”. To the other, the one from “Perdido”, who appreciates your support and even appreciates the positive influence. The sins of the second “character” can be of any kind: from laziness to bad habits.

At the same time, he does not abandon his bad behavior in the past, but the Savior still has to justify the trust placed in him: he must always inspire, support, understand, “be better”. If one day he is absent or is not well, he will be accused of treason.

In most of these cases, termination is the only possible way to resolve the issue. If the situation has not yet reached an impasse, less radical measures can be taken. To begin with, psychologists recommend observing whether your support helps the “lost” or, on the contrary, encourages their unacceptable actions.

“Everyone is bad, only you are a real gift for me…”. Don’t be fooled by hearing this kind of praise. An expert in manipulation is capable of putting other people down to boost his interlocutor’s ego.

First example: the husband complains about some women who are compulsive shoppers and is glad that his wife “is not like that”. But compliments are valid only until your woman needs to go shopping. “Why do you need new things now, if the old ones can be used for another 5 years? Oh, maybe you’re not as perfect as I thought.” Therefore, the woman feels selfish and gives up buying what she needed, in order to show that she is exactly what he thinks about her, perfect. In the dreams of a manipulator, the wife is satisfied with the minimum and only then remains perfect in his eyes, like a heroine.

Second example: the husband has harmless hobbies and the wife does not want to assign family responsibilities to him. “It’s good that you are a really serious man and not a bum who wastes his time on nonsense.” Praise sabotages intentions to perform activities considered “less serious”.

To avoid falling into the trap, periodically ask yourself the following question: “Do we really have the same views on life? Or did I adjust to my partner’s demands, fearing his disapproval?

One of the two makes a mistake, more or less serious, depending on the importance given by each couple. For example, he talks about their intimacy to a third person. Or delete an important file for the future of the couple from the computer. Or worst! You lose tickets to an important concert, right on your wedding anniversary.

The guilty person repents and apologizes. Then insists on starting everything from scratch. Accepting this request or not is a decision that depends on many factors. But is It is important to observe if the person does not simply want to “reset” his mistakes, avoiding a future analysis of his failures.

Sometimes in relationships there is unfair competition that usually develops according to two types of scripts.

Roreiro n° 1: companion vs. lifemate🇧🇷

The protagonist understands that he is inferior to his partner in some ways. He is not accused of “imperfection”, but the seed of this absurd thinking begins to germinate. The right thing would be to destroy these “buds” before they become a mighty tree and develop their own afflictions. However, this method is very difficult, it does not work. To stay on par with his partner, the protagonist will simply sabotage his growth.

Script #2: Companion vs. surroundings🇧🇷

The protagonist sees his partner as a treasure. He wishes to hide this precious gem from the view of “the thieves”, but he is not able to keep it…