Experts reveal how to raise an independent and happy only child

Three decades ago, small families were a rarity in Brazil. The average number of children per couple reached almost 6 in 1970, for example. Over the years, and with the changes conquered by women, this number has been falling, falling, until reaching 1.9 children per familydata collected by the Brazilian Institute of Geography and Statistics (IBGE) in the 2010 Census.

There is no isolated factor that has determined this change, but a series of factors combined: the role of women in the labor market, the older age at which they become pregnant, the couple’s search for financial and emotional stability and more active grandparents, who can no longer help so much in raising these children, are just some of them.

In this scenario, even though the pressure on parents has diminished – but not disappeared -, many are still concerned with raising these children. How to prevent the child from falling into the myths involving a little one without siblings? He will be spoiled, self-centered, dependent🇧🇷

The concern is such that Carolyn White, mother of Alexis, now almost 30 years old, has made raising only children her profession. author of the book Raising Only Child and responsible for the Only Child website, she and her husband, Chuck White, unraveled some of the not-so-secret secrets of raising a healthy child. According to them, there are seven sins that influence this process: overindulgence, overprotection, failure to discipline, overcompensation, striving for perfection, treating children like adults, and overpraising.

Each of these themes goes through the minds of parents, and not just those of only children – after all, any child can be overprotected or spoiled even among several siblings. So what’s really worth worrying about? Our experts answer below.

Will my child be spoiled, shy?

The pediatrician specialized at Unicamp Tadeu Fernando Fernandes, president of the Department of Ambulatory Pediatrics and Primary Care of the Society of Pediatrics of São Paulo, highlights two reassuring studies, one from the Federal University of Rio Grande do Sul and another from the University of Ohio, in the United States . The first of them showed that only children have fewer cases of alcohol consumption and better school performance. The second, published by the specialized magazine Pediatrics, highlighted the ease of socialization of these children, which does not differ in any way from those with siblings. “Only children seem to have as many friends as non-only children, exercise leadership, and feel satisfied with their lives. They tend to exhibit traits similar to first-born children and seem to have higher self-esteem than children with siblings,” says the doctor. As for the myth that they are more shy, Sueli Conte, master in education and psychopedagogue, from São Paulo, has the answer on the tip of her tongue: “Shyness is not a defect, but a personality trait. Therefore, this characteristic is not exclusive to the only child”.

How to educate one?

Balance is the keyword for any relationship, especially between parents and an only child. Finding the right measure of affection, protection and limits is fundamental for the little one to grow, develop and learn to deal with frustrations and responsibilities throughout life. Giving the child small tasks and explaining how important it is to share toys are actions that should be started from the child’s second year of life. “This learning, in terms of yielding, negotiating and letting go, will probably come with a little more difficulty for the only child. Therefore, it is important that this training already takes place at home, before the beginning of school life”, advises São Paulo psychologist Daniella Freixo de Faria, who specializes in children. Parents should ask caregivers, grandparents or nannies to also know how to say no. “Children need to have limits, follow rules, know how to listen, wait, respect an opinion contrary to theirs, share their objects, put themselves in the other’s shoes. It’s not because she doesn’t have a brother that adults can’t teach these skills”, says pediatrician Tadeu Fernando.

Is he doomed to be lonely?

Loneliness is inherent in the very situation of being exclusive. “This is the stigma of an only child: today, alone; in the future without parents. Will he not form a family? Won’t he have friends?”, asks Sueli. And, in the sequence, she answers: “It is important to stimulate him so that he knows and wants to socialize, something that should be done with every child, whether he is an only child or not”. Physician Albertina Duarte Takiuti, coordinator of the State Adolescent Health Program and professor at the Faculty of Medicine of the University of São Paulo, warns: “Parents have to work to facilitate relationships in the future. Since the child has no company to go to school, play, get scolded, parents have to put in collective sports – football is better than tennis and swimming, for example -, they have to provide group activities of music, theater , dance. The family must also integrate and favor living with cousins ​​as much as possible”.

How do I deal with guilt?

How about thinking that the only child is an option? “If it’s an option, it shouldn’t cause a feeling of guilt in the parents, but of responsibility for a choice made”, says Sueli. Looking at it that way, it becomes easier to accept that the child needs small frustrations. Albertina completes: “It doesn’t matter if it was a choice of nature or individual, because the product, the child, is there. It’s not dealing with loss, it’s dealing with winning. You have to turn the courage to have children into a celebration. It makes dads feel safer and less guilty about setting limits and parenting.” Daniella also points to the fact that parents often try to compensate for the time they spend away from home with pampering or worrying excessively about the physical protection of the child, but they forget that these attitudes end up creating a much greater dependence on the child. that would be healthy.

How not to overload it with charges?

With the arrival of the child, parents should not set aside other personal interests and make the child the only focus. “It’s important to reserve time and disposition for friends and for pleasurable activities, such as hobbies”, advises Verônica Montanher, a psychologist at Hospital Paulistano, in São Paulo. Handling charges also helps. “The child should not be the best, the strongest, the most perfect, nor the dependent, insecure or the one who needs all protection,” guides Sueli. For Albertina, parents should recognize and encourage the abilities that their child presents without projecting themselves – after all, he won’t have siblings to share the responsibility of meeting so many expectations. “Having an only child requires great maturity from the parents.”