Expecting the best from your partner: is it positive or negative for the relationship?

Relationships are living and dynamic entities that transform depending on the interaction of their members. Thus, what we think about the bond and how we behave with our partner has an influence on the development of the relationship. At first glance, one might think that expecting the best from your partner is positive for the satisfaction of both, but the reality is that this is not always the case.

Generating or nurturing positive expectations regarding the relationship can help us address conflicts and difficulties. with a better spirit and disposition. By expecting the best from your partner, you are more willing to dialogue, forgive, and not take their mistakes personally. However, these same expectations can also function as high standards that, if not met, lead to frustration. So what is the best alternative? We explore it below.

Expecting the best from your partner generates self-fulfilling prophecies

Various studies have tried to investigate the role of positive expectations in satisfaction with one’s partner. Many of them have found that these play a beneficial role by acting as self-fulfilling prophecies. That is to say, When a person expects the best from their partner, they are more likely to interpret ambiguous stimuli positively..

For example, if the other person is late for an appointment, they will understand that they have had a problem, and not that they are being disrespectful. By this same interpretation, will act in a more friendly and tolerant way and avoid possible conflict.

Furthermore, those who expect the best from others are also more capable of forgiving their transgressions and failures. They know how to understand that a bad response may be motivated by stress and they do not magnify the situation. So, Since they expect their relationship to be loving, respectful and committed, they act accordingly. to these expectations and they end up contributing to their fulfillment.

Instead, another person who holds negative expectations will interpret any comment as a rejection and any delay as an offense. By being prepared for the other to fail, you will be much more susceptible and will react in a more hostile and intolerant way.. And this will only generate a similar response in the partner. That is to say, the worst predictions will have come true, but precisely because of his own attitude and actions.

Positive expectations lead to frustration

In view of the above, it seems that expecting the best from your partner is a good alternative to achieving satisfaction. However, this does not happen in all cases.

Various investigations have found that, Sometimes, these positive expectations do not act as self-fulfilling prophecies, but rather as counterfactual scenarios.. That is, they constantly remind us of what should be and is not, what should have happened and has not. In this way, they lead us to feel deep dissatisfaction with the relationship.

Finally, If the relationship never reaches the standards we have in mind, it is logical that we feel frustrated and disappointed about it.. Thus, expecting the best may not be the most convenient and maintaining realistic expectations may be the best thing to do.

The influence of the partner’s skills

The two previous scenarios are the main findings found by those who have investigated the influence of expectations on the couple, but both seem to be contradictory. So what is the best position? The answer is found in the mediating role played by the couple’s skills.

When we talk about skills we refer to the ability to communicate assertively, work as a team, solve problems and find solutions together. Thus, it has been found that couples with good skills and mild difficulties benefit from expecting the best from each otherand this attitude allows them to put their resources into action.

On the contrary, In those couples with fewer skills and more serious problems, positive expectations are not met, so having them leads to frustration. In this case, moderating expectations may be healthier, since adverse events will generate less stress as they do not differ exaggeratedly from what was expected.

Expect the best from your partner or adjust expectations: it all depends on the case

In short, each couple is different, and not all people and relationships use the same strategies. So, before deciding what to expect from your bond, ask yourself if you are both capable of meeting the standards what are you proposing; Exaggerated and unrealistic expectations will only cause you suffering.

On the other hand, remember that general attributions (for example: my partner is kind) are more positive than specific ones (for example: my partner always responds to me in a good tone), since they are easier to hold.

Each one of us We must be aware of the previous findings to be able to choose the style of thinking that most benefits us.. But, above all, professionals must be able to take these variables into consideration when advising couples who come seeking guidance. Finally, not all of us benefit from the same strategies.

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