Emotional manipulation: the guilt game

Emotional manipulation wreaks havoc on psychological integrity. Few practices make such fine use of abuse, mental distortion and the violation of self-esteem as this exercise so characteristic of human beings. Mothers, fathers, siblings, partners, children and even ourselves, we are all susceptible to executing this type of dynamic in which the game of making people feel guilty predominates.

Something that we all know is that coexistence in society has a biological basis that focuses on a very specific aspect: people need to experience security and a sense of survival in each of our environments together with our respective fellow humans. The moment we feel how we are attacked in some way, that essential bond is broken: that of altruism, mutual cooperation and trust.

If we now ask ourselves in what context emotional manipulation most often occurs, it can be said that, as we might suspect, it occurs within relationships. Nevertheless, A context that is also recurring and that we should not neglect is that related to organizations and companies. In fact, Dr. Diana Krause, from the University of Klagenfurt (Austria), conducted an interesting study that revealed all those tricks that usually occur in the workplace to manipulate employees or co-workers.

We all know emotional manipulation

In this same context, it is enough to just take a brief look at our history to discover that manipulation has been one of the pillars on which the dominance of any empire has been based. Manipulation is “the daily bread” of the society in which we live. No person is free from having exercised or suffered manipulation throughout their existence..

Learn to detecting emotional manipulation is being able to avoid it and to do this you must first know what it consists of, how it manifests itself, how it is masked and how it is used. Let’s dig deeper.

Have they made you feel guilty? Detect emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation is often covered with good intentions. It comes from a best friend, the person who claims to love us or the co-worker with whom we carry out a common project. We trust and they use that alliance to obtain a secret benefit. Sometimes it is for the simple pleasure of control, other times to reinforce one’s own self-esteem, obtain something in return or simply cause harm.

The University of Michigan conducted a study on emotional manipulation in the context of couples which revealed that, on average, They usually show the same psychological patterns: emotional instability, low responsibility, seduction skills, low self-awareness and social openness.

Likewise, a study from the University of Florence, published in 2019, conclusively shows the association between narcissistic personality and the tendency to emotional manipulation. Let’s see below what are the most common strategies that are usually used when exercising these techniques.

“Do what you want”

When there is a power situation between two people, one in which the manipulating individual has the most advantageous option, the manipulated person can be threatened with losing certain advantages in the case of not obeying it. Its most subtle manifestation occurs when a family member or friend implies that if something specific is not done, the relationship will suffer as a result.

“If you don’t do it, neither do I.”

Behind this tender declaration of good intentions lies a fierce manipulation in which whoever manipulates appeals to the other’s capacity for empathy to make you feel guilty. In its most extreme translation, this “self-punishment” can even mean self-harm on the part of the manipulator.

That is why it is important to know how to recognize when it is simple blackmail, when the intention is to make people feel guilty, and when This phrase does not mean a transferbut rather the opposite, and not let yourself be carried away.

“Nothing is wrong with me”

This is followed by a prolonged silence and, usually, non-verbal language that accompanies the anger. To imply one thing with behavior and another with words is a very recurrent manipulation technique. to make you feel guilty.

“What I did for you”

It is the manipulation par excellence and the one exercised by a large part of society. Being united by that “giving to receive” is one of the most used ways to make people feel guilty at all levels.

Thus, it is more than common to see us in those emotional crossroads where a partner, a mother or a best friend blames us for the things they have done for us in order to boycott our self-esteem and exercise control. We must be careful with these practices.

“Without you I am nothing”

Victimhood is a very basic way of making people feel guilty., but still highly efficient. Whoever listens to it may fear that the other will commit some reckless act, thus appearing, once again, the threat of self-punishment.

“Surely you could try harder.”

It is one of the most widespread forms of emotional manipulation, since appeals to generating feelings of guilt and inferiority in the manipulated personsuggesting that you are not trying hard enough or that there are other people who can do your job much more efficiently.

How should I act if I detect that they want to make me feel guilty?

If in any relationship you have a constant feeling that you are not enough, that you should try harder, and that you constantly screw up, it is very possible that you are being a victim of emotional manipulation. Once this dynamic is detected, it is important to implement strategies that help you get out of it. Here are some:

You are right too: Unintentionally, many times the manipulator ends up being right due to mere inertia. Don’t let them gaslight you.Set limits: Decide how far you want to go in each relationship and put it into practice. If you don’t fit in with someone, they are free to leave, but they can’t force you to change.Communicate honestly and firmly: Demand that they speak to you directly and make it clear how the treatment you receive makes you feel.Work on your self-esteem: Many of the techniques to make a person feel guilty involve undermining their self-esteem. Don’t let them devalue you.Go to therapy: When these types of toxic relationships continue over time, it is very difficult to get out of them without help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

To conclude, if there is something we know from our own experience, it is that emotional manipulation is that eternal leitmotiv that arises in almost any context and connection. We must be prepared to see these practices arrive and stop them as soon as possible. Setting limits is an exercise in personal and relational healing that will allow us to create more authentic bonds with less suffering.

Strategies such as becoming more aware of our emotions, working on our assertiveness and learning to say “no” in time can help us avoid situations of emotional manipulation or get out of them more easily.

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