Emotional kidnapping: when we let ourselves be carried away by the storm of our emotions

Has it happened to you that you lose control and lash out at the people around you? The most common thing is that you regret it later. If you have had this experience, you have surely experienced what is known as an emotional kidnapping.

From time to time, we find ourselves losing our temper, in the middle of a storm. And when this happens, we realize that our reaction was somewhat disproportionate. Regretting our actions we question ourselves How can it be possible that in a matter of seconds we become so irrational.

What happens to us in those moments?

When situations get out of hand and we seem to explode, what happens to us is that We are victims of a sum of psychological and physiological reactions, all known as the process of emotional kidnapping.

To find out why this happens to us at certain times, we will explain how our brain works.

How does emotional kidnapping occur?

When we suffer a emotional kidnappingwe meet reacting so automatic to stimuli processed by the emotional brain. Yes, you read that right, emotional brain.

It is not that there are two brains, but with the passage of time, numerous investigations have affirmed that our brain is made up of one most emotional part (limbic system) and a more rational or thinking part (neocortex).

What happens is that the emotional or limbic brain responds more quickly, although generally their answers are more imprecise because they have not gone through rational analysis.

But, What structure is it that examines our environment? The answer is the amygdalaan almond-shaped mass, located in the limbic system that is responsible for processing and storage of emotional reactions.

Thus, the amygdala, when it is carrying out its functions of examining the environment in which we find ourselves and begins to ask itself: will this hurt me? Can it make me suffer? Have I always feared it? look for your answers. And if these are affirmativeour nervous system gives the alarm signal in our body, postponing the most irrelevant functions and executing those that allow us to defend the threat.

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The hormones necessary to flee or fight will begin to be secreted, The pulse will accelerate, the visual field will be reduced, circulation will be altered and also the thinking to concentrate on the danger.

Thus, the neocortex, which is the thinking brain, is bypassed and we become much more instinctive for a few moments. The amygdala declares a state of war with which we become animals fighting for our emotional survival, which we can equate with physical survival.

Why does emotional kidnapping occur?

Perhaps one of its main reasons is evolutionary in nature, referring to the survival. Our ancestors suffered these emotional kidnappings when, for example, they encountered the enemy or animals, making them flee or attack to eliminate the feeling of danger.

But nowadays, this process has become a bit outdated, and produces less desirable results for us. Since, in human relationships, the faster an emotion becomes, the more inexact and coarse it becomes.

Our emotional part prepares us for automatic responses that previously had the characteristic of being vital., although now they do not always turn out to be so positive. We can experience this in arguments as a couple with an attack of jealousy, for example, or in arguments with our friends or family.

In these situations, when emotional kidnapping is occurring, all our attention is directed to giving a response to the emotionpreventing us from carrying out processes of rationalization of the situation we are experiencing.

And it is, perhaps for this reason, that our responses do not correspond to what we expect from ourselves, once the storm has passed, we are able to analyze it.

How can we control it?

Perhaps the key lies in knowing that Before the emotional kidnapping, a emotional overflow.

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And this is what we have to detect and subsequently analyze, so as not to give sufficient reasons to the amygdala to carry out its kidnapping of the rational part, and avoid negative effects on our relationships with others.

For this, it is convenient that let’s discover the symptoms that we present when we get agitated, that is, that we stop to observe ourselves when things are not as we expect, as we like or as we had imagined. Find out if we have sweating, overheating, accelerated heart rate.

After identify them, we have to give them names because this way we begin the rationalization process, in a way avoiding the spontaneous response from taking place. The simple act of recognizing and naming what we feel is enough to return us to our thinking brain.

After this, we will have to look for some escape mechanism of our emotion, so that our excitement goes down. One strategy to achieve this is to share that burden with another person. In a study on social support, researchers found that if a person walks up a hill with another person, he perceives the hill to be less steep than when she walks alone. The same can happen with emotions. When we share our feelings with a trusted friend, we can split the emotional load in half and help our brain feel less threatened.

Finally, we must try to analyze What has led us to experience emotional kidnapping, preparing us for future situations.

“Things don’t change, we change.”

-Henry David Thoreau-

emotional regulation

Applying some emotional regulation techniques can also help us not let ourselves be dominated by emotional kidnapping and thus be able to get out of it.

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1. Reassessment

Cognitive reappraisal ensures long-term well-being and offers us a permanent solution to emotional distress. Through it, we do not intend to forcibly suppress the negative emotions that cause emotional kidnapping, but rather we look for better ways to deal with it.

In addition to finding appropriate substitutes for runaway emotional reactivity, cognitive reappraisal also changes our approach to distress and reduces the impact of negative emotion for a time (Troy, Shallcross, & Mauss, 2013).

2. Self-soothing

Calming ourselves can reduce the effects of anger, sadness, and agony that negative experiences bring (Heiy and Cheavens, 2014). Reassuring ourselves, rather than confronting ourselves, guarantees better and faster responses when it comes to managing thoughts and emotions. We can practice several self-soothing exercises:

Self-compassion and loving-kindness meditation.Musical meditation, where we set aside a few minutes to listen to music and relax with the relaxing sound.Reminiscence therapy, which works very well to resolve emotional conflicts involving other people.Breathing exercises, including control of breathing, breathing counting and simple relaxation. Simple care such as a hot bath, a relaxing massage, cooking for yourself, etc.

3. Attentional control

Attentional control begins with reappraisal. Its goal is to divert our attention from the negative emotion and allows us to look at it from a different perspective. For example, we can control the anger that follows an insult by thinking of it as a lesson that teaches us to avoid forming relationships with rude people.

In closing, having difficulty handling an emotional kidnapping well can pose challenges for us and those around us. However, emotional regulation is a skill that can help us in these situations. Support from a professional, practicing mindfulness, and learning calming skills can be very helpful.