Each one’s time: fathers and mothers who assumed homosexuality

Isn’t it amazing that, in the middle of 2022, we are still asked for any kind of “accountability” to love whoever we want? Using the verb “assume” to talk about sexuality is too old-school, but unfortunately the difficulties that accompany the decision to tell the world our real identity have not yet been overcome. First, we go through an intense period of self-acceptance. Then we need to contain the anxiety to find out how others will react to the news. There’s simply no telling what will happen to us when we reveal that we’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and that’s scary.

For those born into other generations, these fears tend to be even more paralyzing. This is the case of Priscila, Sandy and Eduardo*: all had experiences in heterosexual marriages – they even had children – and, in silence, they kept their feelings for fear of suffering retaliation from a conservative society. For a moment, the fantasy even seemed to be working. However, there comes a time when the soul cries out, and the repression of years has to be stopped. Below are three inspiring stories about parents who were brave enough to break convention and start over as honestly as possible.

far from traditions

“I always knew I was gay. But I was born in 1949, I’m about to turn 73. Back then, you couldn’t come out under any circumstances. Whoever did that was persecuted, lost their job and even their friends”, vents Eduardo.* For fear of retaliation, the chemical engineer got involved with a girl who accidentally got pregnant. “It was very traumatic. In the last century, anyone who got a girl pregnant was forced to marry, there was no other way. AND women also suffered from terrible prejudice, it was almost a social death. So I had to take over the marriage🇧🇷

However, the years passed and both realized that they had nothing in common: the union had been purely circumstantial. Naturally, the divorce went through, and that freedom allowed Eduardo to meet a very special boy. “People started to notice, no matter how discreet I was. ‘Wow, you only have this one friend’, I was told. But after nearly three decades together, we parted ways. I suffered so much that I said ‘You know what? I’m going to come out to the family,’” he says. The first person to receive the news was his sister, who welcomed him with great affection.🇧🇷

The real fear, however, was the brother-in-law. “Typical homophobe who made bad jokes. But the reaction was unusual. I remember him hugging me for almost a minute and saying ‘We love you anyway, don’t worry’. When that guy who only made sexist comments accepted me, everything became lighter.” Then it was the daughter’s turn.🇧🇷 “It was quiet. We were having dinner and she said: ‘Oh dad, I’m glad you don’t have to hide anymore. I’m just happy for you.’” Today, Eduardo celebrates 13 years of marriage to Leandro.* “I love him. He is the man of my life, I adore him in every possible way. I know the difference between living in a dungeon and having freedom. Cancellation is such violence… That’s why I don’t even want to know: I carry it up and down. I am free.”

I know the difference between living in a dungeon and having freedom. Canceling yourself is such great violence. So I walk him up and down. I am free

Eduardo*, chemical engineer

Passion that gives courage

Since it is understood by people, Sandy Borges I already saw women in a special way. But as she grew up hearing that she needed to build a “Dorian family”, the leader in people management was forced to stifle her identity before she even understood it. This led to her marrying a man and having two children, Kayque and Felipe. The relationship that lasted 25 years did not resonate in his heart. Conflicts only grew, until the moment when divorce became an inevitable event. “At the end of this separation, I met Aline, who was already out. She helped me a lot, because she clarified several doubts I had about sexuality. And, a year after my marriage ended, I ended up kissing her,” she says. The boys’ mother recalls that the young woman even held her, stating that she could just be confused. However, that was just the beginning of her journey. “We dated for about three years. I started going to therapy because, at 40, I thought: ‘Damn it, I got married, had children, only now to understand that this wasn’t my thing. What a pain,’” she jokes.

When we understand who we really are, we are not worried about other people’s approval.

Sandy Borges, leader in people management

Sandy’s moment to share her truth with the world would not come in this first LGBTQIA+ relationship. “For me to open up to my children, I needed to be in love. That would only happen when I found the right person,” she explains. It was there that Priscila, her current partner, entered her life three years ago. 🇧🇷I just knew she was the woman I wanted to be with🇧🇷 When I felt that, coming out was a natural consequence”, he shares. “Kayque was always fucking crazy, so he accepted it calmly. The youngest, in turn, was afraid that I would suffer some kind of aggression on the street. It was difficult, I had to take him to a psychologist. Now, he has lost his insecurity.” Next, it was time to chat with her best friends and, once she got comfortable, make statements on social media. “When we understand who we really are, we are not worried about the approval of others.” She claims that, currently, her boys don’t let go of their partner. “Today Felipe, who is 15 years old, came to tell me happy that his friend from school came out to the family. This is a gift, a sign that my son is well resolved.”

Support is everything

“I only came out when I was 39. I was ‘incubated’ for a long time”, declares Priscila Puccioni, marketing specialist. She vents that, since she was a child, she always liked girls. But, for family and social reasons, she suppressed this feeling and did not put her wishes into practice. “I ended up getting into two heterosexual relationships. The first one was terrible, because I lived inside a prison. On the other hand, I ended up having two children, who made me happy during this period. I completely focused on them,” she says.

And as if things couldn’t get more complex, Priscila became a widow at 26. However, the unexpected death of her husband made her wake up to live her own life and had her first homosexual experience. “I kissed a girl around that time. But since my boys were still young, I believed that it would be right to try to form the famous ‘traditional Brazilian family’ again.” Thus, she became involved with another man, with whom she had a third child. 🇧🇷This relationship was not healthy. And then, approaching 40, I realized that it wasn’t for me🇧🇷 I was in a moment of personal, professional and financial maturity, and I thought: ‘I am in this world to be happy. I’m not here just to make others happy’. My children were already adults, so I decided to take over my life.” After a period, Priscila met Dani. “I just knew she was made for me, there was no mistaking it.”

I’m much more accepted by everyone. People see my shine, something I didn’t have before. Now I can externalize this happiness

Priscila Puccioni, marketing specialist

It was this overwhelming passion that drove her to be able to share her sexuality with her family: “I remember waiting for my daughter to come home from college. As soon as the girl set foot in the house, I told her that she was dating. She asked who the person was, and I just showed my wife a photo on my cell phone,” she recalls. The young woman’s reaction couldn’t have made her mother happier. “Wow, I always knew, I couldn’t stand you not coming out, you were very bad-tempered,” said the girl. The two burst out laughing. “My other children reacted the same way. Then I did the same with my mother. At the time, she was cooking, stopped everything and came to hug me crying: ‘Finally you found yourself’. Today, I am much more accepted by everyone. People see my glow, vitality, something I didn’t have before. I was cold, hard. Now, I’m the opposite, because I can externalize all that happiness to the world. I am complete.”

*The names have been changed to respect the identity of the characters.