Do you know how to talk? See how nonviolent communication makes life easier

Stop and think: how many times at home, at work, in a conversation wheel have you tried to defend your ideas and not been heard? And how many times have you not really listened to what others meant… The point is, in times when we are communicating so much, we need to pay attention to HOW we are doing it.

That’s where the nonviolent communicationa concept created by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg🇧🇷 In a simplified way, the idea is to know how to express yourself better, disarm yourself, be heard and listen without judgments, without absolute certainties, with more openness. “It is an invitation to reflect on how we relate to others and ourselves”, defends Nolah Lima, co-founder of Instituto CNV Brasil.

“The key to being able to dialogue is self-knowledge and emotional intelligence. Those who learn to know themselves and control their emotions find it easier to communicate”, explains psychologist Gisele Maraschin. Sincerity and empathy with the other also make a difference in a dialogue.

And the good thing is that you can apply non-violent communication in all situations in life – in your love relationship, with your children, with your parents, with your friends, at school, at work…

To begin with, disarm yourself

Before entering into a conversation, get rid of labels, judgments, certainties and comparisons. Go unarmed. “By bringing absolute judgments and certainties, I increase the chances of the other person becoming defensive and not getting the message of what is really important to me, which I so want to preserve”, points out Nolah. And be careful that the other person does not feel ashamed, diminished, guilty, threatened throughout the conversation. If this happens, there is a disconnection and communication does not take place.

Always make your feeling and your need very clear. “The thing I like most about developing this communication is that it encourages the use of a feeling in speech. Many people find it difficult to express what they feel, so with the development of this verbal expression skill, they end up including feelings in countless times in their daily lives”, says Gisele.

“It ranges from the courage to look at what we feel and need to the ability to listen to what the other may be feeling and needing”, adds Nolah.

And attention: never get into an argument to ‘win’, do not treat the conversation as a competition. “What we seek is to provide a healthy and honest dialogue, congruent with the interlocutors. This should not be linked to losses or gains in discussions, but to the assertive way of maintaining a dialogue”, points out Gisele.

It’s not about swallowing frog!

The idea is not to appear passive, without strength, you don’t have to give in and agree with the other. The important thing is to be open so that, together, they reach a resolution that keeps them aligned. It takes persistence, calm and training. There is room to disagree and still stay connected in the conversation🇧🇷

practical tips

• Know exactly what you want – “What is my intention in what I am saying or doing? What would I really like to preserve here? You have to be able to connect with what’s important to you and to the other person, and that’s the focus”, argues Nolah. And he talks about his perceptions of the conversation: “I understand that …”, “I realize that …”.
• be honest – “It is necessary to say what I feel and what my needs are, bringing clear requests to take care of what is important to me. And be open to listening to the other and understanding him, even if you don’t agree with him, also focusing on his feelings and needs”, guides Nolah. And speak clearly to the other about what you are feeling at that moment.
• there is no right and wrong, there is always more than one way. “The idea is to focus on the need, on what is motivating us, and not on the strategy, which is just one of the possible paths”, says Nolah.
• Avoid the negative imperatives – “Don’t do it, don’t run it, don’t behave like that”. Avoid communicating in an authoritative way. Explain what bothers you, why it bothers you, point out ways.
• Recognize the impacts of your actions – “Instead of saying, ‘Wow, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,’ we should reconnect with our intention. ‘I’m sorry for having contributed to your experience, I imagine that you are frustrated and upset, and that my support would have been important to you, is that it? I want to take care of our relationship, could you share if there is anything I can do?’”, exemplifies Nolah. And make it clear what you want from the other too.

How to apply:

Non-violent communication works with four pillars, based on the principle that it is necessary to make it clear to the other that there is always a Notea feelingone need it is a request🇧🇷 See the following examples of psychologist Gisele:

– “Son, when I see your messy room (Note)I’m disappointed (feeling)because I would like it to be more organized (need)🇧🇷 Could you organize your room (request)🇧🇷

– “Joana, I saw that you were late (Note)I am worried (feeling)we need you to help us (need)🇧🇷 could you tell me what happened (request)🇧🇷

– “Honey, you seem tired today, I can see it in your look and tone of voice (Note)🇧🇷 I’m sensing that we might get irritated if we continue to talk about this matter at this time. (feeling)so I would like to continue after dinner (need)Can it be (request)🇧🇷

We know it’s not easy, non-violent communication requires training and a lot of patience. But the exercise is worth it!