Do you feel guilt? Find out how to get rid of it

How many times did you feel guilty today? Whether it’s because you didn’t pay enough attention to your children’s demands, because you overslept and were late for an important meeting, or because you escaped the diet. THE fault it’s a certainty. That’s because, for the sake of life in society, we give up some individual desires and establish rules and laws.

“The feeling arises when we transgress these social limits, breaking these agreements. In other words, it comes from the possibility of being indebted to the other”, explains psychoanalyst Sandra Niskier Flanzer, from Rio de Janeiro.

Of course, blame hits everyone. The difference is that women tend to express what they feel more. And, in a culture that demands that they be good mothers and wives, that they remain beautiful and young and that they reconcile all this with professional success, it is not surprising that it is impossible to fulfill all these requirements perfectly.

Hence the feeling that they are failing. Repetitive criticism is exhausting. Therefore, for life to be lighter, seek to reflect and understand more about your guilt. Experts point the way. Check out:

1. Differentiate fault from responsibility

Before going out there considering yourself guilty of something, assess your real responsibility for that. Would the outcome of the situation have been different if you had acted differently? “Sometimes, blaming prevents people from learning from their own actions”, says psychoanalyst Sandra Niskier Flanzer.

Analyze your attitudes, avoiding looking at them with an excessively critical or even innocent look. It’s not a question of right and wrong, but of evaluating your behavior so that it doesn’t repeat itself if it’s negative.

2. Learn to say no

Created to care for others, women end up taking responsibility for the well-being and happiness of those around them: parents, children, husband, friends, co-workers. Responding to a request or an invitation with an honest and concise no, without justification, often leads to an immense sense of guilt.

However, according to anthropologist Mirian Goldenberg, from the Federal University of Rio de Janeiro, this practice needs to be exercised so that we can establish limits for ourselves and for others. “Learning to say no with courage is perhaps the most difficult thing for women, because the demands are great and come from the family and from themselves. Only, by accepting everything, she denies her personal time.”

Commit to accepting appointments and meetings that really interest you. And watch your attitudes so you don’t juggle your schedule in an attempt to please everyone.

3. Lower expectations

Perfectionism is a huge trigger of guilt. The good news is that no one can perform all tasks with 100% success. “Perfect does not exist, but what is possible, what is necessary under certain conditions”, points out Rogéria Taragano, clinical psychologist and collaborator at the Institute of Psychiatry at the University of São Paulo.

Accept that, at times, you will prioritize the professional aspect of your life and, at others, the family. “Guilt is a consequence of thinking we should be complete, but we are not. If we can admit that we always make choices and that we are divided with our desires, that we are not always coherent, we pacify the routine a little more”, adds psychoanalyst Sandra.

4. Get to know yourself

One way out to mitigate the feeling of guilt is to understand that many of our sufferings are cultural, not from personal desires, but from the education we received and the pressures imposed by society. “We end up internalizing these thoughts”, points out Mirian.

Going to therapy and courses and reading books that lead to self-knowledge helps to distinguish our expectations from others. Psychologist Rogéria stresses the importance of developing self-compassion in this process to accept limitations, but without falling into conformism. “It means taking care not to seek unrealistic standards that aren’t even ours.

5. Respect your body

There are days when it’s my fault for not going to the gym or for having eaten a brigadeiro in the middle of the diet. Let’s take it easy. If the concern is about health, admit that it is not a single day that will do damage and make up for it later.

If it is for aesthetic reasons, reflect on whether the body idealized by society is really your wish. “Many people are very concerned about the look of others. When self-esteem is low, the focus is on external approval,” says Rogéria. “Bringing your eyes to yourself, to your own goals and dreams, is very important.”

From then on, face the figure reflected in the mirror with a dose of kindness and permissiveness.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others

Security guard Tatiana Rosa Pinheiro Kusaba, 37, mother of Rubens, 5, and Rebeca, 8, talks about guilt as an old companion. One of the reasons is the constant comparison with her own mother.

“She is a homebody, she has always taken care of everything. She washed the uniforms, ironed my dad’s shirts, cooked dinner,” she recalls. Managing more than 40 employees, Tatiana has to remind herself daily that it is impossible to take care of her family with the same zeal. “Still, sometimes I see my daughter’s uniform is ripped apart and I think, ‘Oh my God, what kind of mother am I? What will others think of me?’”

Psychologist Rogéria suggests interrupting this type of judgment and, instead of focusing on the other, use personal criteria to assess your performance. Understand what your goals are and how you are approaching them, how you are moving towards the person you want to become.

“Any attempt to match the next is unfair. It has different conditions, goals and characteristics”, concludes Rogéria.

7. Stop caring

In his most recent book, ‘Freedom, Happiness and Fuck You (Planet)’, Mirian Goldenberg advocates an internal and playful exercise to break free from the shackles of prejudices and judgments that fuel guilt: “Pushing the fuck-it button”.

She guarantees that it is not an aggressive or violent practice. “It’s a behavior developed by the women I heard in my research – especially those over 60 – to feel that their will is more determinant for happiness than what others will think,” she says. This includes giving less importance to other people’s opinions, which are loaded with projections of the other.