Child masturbation: how to deal with the child’s sexuality

English teacher Maria Clara* entered the TV room and took a deep breath when she saw her children Aninha*, 3 years old, and Rafael*, 6 years old, touching their own genitals while watching a cartoon. She caught her breath and, without showing surprise, commented: “Hey, kids, this is nice, isn’t it? But you were out in the backyard and I bet you didn’t wash your hands. To handle the tree frog or the pee wee we have to have clean hands, otherwise it could get infected. How about taking a shower and then continue with this game?” The two agreed, stopped masturbating, but postponed the shower until the end of the drawing.

“This mother’s conduct was perfect”, analyzes sex educator Carla Zeglio, from the H. Ellis Institute, who researches sexuality in São Paulo. “She didn’t repress or pretend that nothing was happening – which would reveal fear of touching on a subject as important as the discovery of the body. The more natural the parents’ reaction, the healthier their children’s relationship with sexuality will be.”

According to her, masturbation is the first childish movement in the pursuit of sexual pleasure. The genital area, because it is little touched, is more sensitive to caress and, around 2 years old, the child discovers this. Manipulating the vagina or the penis is an experience she resorts to because it feels good.

Many parents are scared, because they imagine that childhood sexuality is similar to that of adults. “Although research proves that children reach orgasm, it does not have the same intensity as ours. Those who repress masturbation were probably repressed and educated within a model in which guilt prevailed. He attributes to genital manipulation an erotic charge that does not exist”, explains Carla. This relationship with the body persists until pre-adolescence, when boys and girls, with more refined sensations, already see masturbation as a source of sexual pleasure.

respect for privacy

If repressing children hinders their sexual development, letting them masturbate anywhere creates problems for everyone. “Not setting limits is a mistake that some parents, anxious to appear liberal, end up making. Because it is an act of intimacy, masturbation has to be practiced in the bedroom. We don’t have sex in public, do we? Parents who do not talk to the child about this aspect also harm it. She becomes a social misfit. She goes to her aunt’s house touching her genitals, she does the same at school and in a room full of visitors”, warns the educator.

Maria Clara’s attitude, also on this point, was sensible. She explained, separately, to Aninha and Rafael that the genitals are a part of the body like any other, that that joke could be played whenever they wanted, but in the bedroom and with the door closed, with no one around. “This mother will always have the trust of her children and can knock on the door without embarrassment to ask what they are doing”, says Carla.

She claims that a case of compulsive child masturbation never appeared at the H. Ellis Institute: “There are people who fantasize about thinking that the child, because he has consent to masturbate, will spend the whole afternoon doing it. But the well-advised child has varied interests and will give an honest answer when asked what he is doing. At one moment he will be playing with dolls, at another he will be reading or even manipulating his genitals”.

Aninha’s behavior, at the end of the day when she was caught with her hand inside her panties, proves the lightness with which children face the matter. She ate dinner, left the table and announced to the family: “Well, now I’m going to brush my teeth, wash my hands and play with my frog in the bedroom, okay?” The parents contained their laughter, consented and, 10 minutes later, found that Aninha had forgotten the story. She was fast asleep, hugging her teddy bear.

what not to do

· Pretend not to see and say nothing.

· Removing the child’s hand from the genital surreptitiously.

· Try to distract her with another activity so she doesn’t have time to move her body. It is not worth proposing: “Let’s watch television, play with dolls?”

· Threatening the child: “If you do that again, I’ll slap you”.

· Make up stories: “If you keep touching the chick your hand will get hairy” or “when you grow up you will have many pimples”.

· Blackmail: “If you don’t touch it anymore, let’s go get ice cream!” Bargaining should never be used to modify behavior.

* Names changed to preserve the privacy of respondents