Anxious attachment or avoidant partner?

Anxious attachment is a type of bond in which restlessness, possessiveness and insecurity predominate in the relationship with the loved person (in the context of the couple). In principle, it is due to unresolved problems in who establishes this type of link. However, there are times when this anxious behavior is also triggered or fueled by the other member of the couple.

It is said that paranoid people are also persecuted, and that is more or less what happens in some cases of anxious attachment.. Although there is a basic insecurity, the truth is that the person who feels it is not the same person who nourishes or triggers it. In other words, the partner can influence a more or less healthy attachment to become anxious.

It is not easy to distinguish a case of anxious attachment from one in which the partner is evasive and unleashes that anxiety. . For this reason, many people in situations like this cannot answer the question: is it my insecurity that leads me to this anxiety with my partner or is it my partner who has behavior that would cause anyone anxiety?

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment, also called “ambivalent attachment,” is a form of attachment in which There is a great desire for intimacy with the partner, but at the same time there is a deep fear of losing that person. . This feeling leads us to interpret any manifestation, no matter how minimal, of distancing or rejection in an apprehensive way.

In fact, Many behaviors that neither imply distancing nor mean rejection are interpreted in this way by the anxious person. . In this way, a great distrust ends up predominating around the couple and everything that is related to them and they react disproportionately to countless behaviors that do not deserve it.

In these cases, the couple’s response is very important . Ideally, you should adopt an understanding attitude and understand that this anxiety is born from deep insecurities and, sometimes, trauma. without resolving. A person with anxious attachment needs more warmth and security from their partner and if they learn to trust them, the anxiety will decrease.

The trigger of ambivalent attachment

There are several situations that trigger this insecurity and fear in the anxious person. It may be within her own mind, but it also responds to certain external stimuli. Let’s see some mental processes of people who suffer from anxious attachment:

Thinking about your partner most of the day. Idealizing the other person, overestimating their virtues and downplaying (or ignoring) their defects. Suffering anxiety when you are not in the company of your partner. Thoughts that you will never be able to love them. another person. Enduring toxic dynamics by not abandoning the relationship. Hypervigilance over the partner’s reactions. Fear of displeasing the other person. Fear of abandonment. Fear of expressing oneself and getting angry with the partner.

The evasive couple

Someone with anxious attachment does not need a person to take care of their insecurity and fears, but much less does they combine well with someone who increases them. An avoidant partner does precisely that: increase anxiety and reinforce this type of unhealthy attachment. . Many times you do it without even realizing it, but you can also turn this into a mechanism of power. .

An evasive couple is one who flees or remains silent when faced with conflict. . Also those who seek to solve problems quickly and without delving into what is happening, or those who intellectualize everything, preventing emotions from surfacing. Likewise, those who become irritated or uncomfortable when faced with their partner’s crying or expressions of suffering.

Another characteristic of this type of people has to do with their lack of emotional availability. . It is very harmful for someone who is anxious to have as a partner a person who resists putting a name to the relationship or hates commitment, or who insists that they do not want “strings.” Also those who ridicule or minimize emotions. This, yes or yes, increases insecurity in your partner.

Is it me or is it the other person?

Many times it is difficult to know if the couple is made up of someone who suffers from chronic anxious attachment and another person who cannot overcome this inappropriate behavior; or if there is someone with a normal attachment who, however, becomes anxious because their partner says and does things that increase unresolved insecurities.

To answer the question of whether it is anxious attachment or avoidant behavior that predominates in a relationship in which there is discomfort, it is important to identify those fears that are completely valid:

Fear that the couple does not want a commitment.
Fear that a conflict will never be resolved in depthbecause the other person refuses to face it.
Fear of not being heard or understood for the couple.
Fear of being vulnerable with partner.

If any of these fears are present, an avoidant partner is probably what predominates. . Other fears (especially when they are very intense), such as the fear of losing the other person, speak of a predominance of anxious attachment in the relationship rather than of an avoidant partner.

What to do in these cases?

Attachment style is something that deeply marks people in their adult lives, but this does not mean that it cannot be corrected. Whether the avoidant style causes insecurities or if there really is an anxious attachment, couples therapy can help establish effective communication and rebuild (or build) a healthy emotional bond.

On the other hand, individual therapy will be the best option to learn to control symptoms such as negative thoughts, difficulties facing conflicts or empathy. Be that as it may, never hesitate to try to resolve relationship problems before they deteriorate too much.

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