Abusive relationship: what it is and how to identify

An abusive relationship is any relationship that involves physical, psychological, sexual, moral or financial/patrimonial abuse.

It can happen between couples, family relationships, in the workplace and even between friends, but official data show that abusive relationships and domestic violence happen more frequently in heterosexual relationships, where women are the majority of victims, with a greater number of black women.

This is due to our patriarchal, sexist and racist society in which countless beliefs, behaviors and social structures were built and rooted. There is also a very high number of violence aimed at transgender women.

Understand the difference between types of violence:

Physical violence it is any conduct that offends their bodily integrity or health;

Psychological violence is any conduct that causes emotional damage and decreases self-esteem or that seeks to degrade or control their actions, behaviors, beliefs and decisions, through threat, embarrassment, humiliation, manipulation, isolation, constant surveillance, persistent persecution, insult, blackmail, violation of their intimacy, ridicule, exploitation and limitation of the right to come and go or any other means that causes harm to their psychological health and self-determination;

sexual violence is any conduct that compels you to witness, maintain or participate in unwanted sexual intercourse, through intimidation, threat, coercion or use of force; that induces her to commercialize or use her sexuality in any way, that prevents her from using any contraceptive method or that forces her into marriage, pregnancy, abortion or prostitution, through coercion, blackmail, bribery or manipulation; or that limits or nullifies the exercise of your sexual and reproductive rights;

heritage violence is any conduct that constitutes retention, subtraction, partial or total destruction of its objects, work instruments, personal documents, assets, values ​​and rights or economic resources, including those intended to satisfy its needs;

moral violence is any conduct that configures slander, defamation or injury.” Maria da Penha Law.

How to identify an abusive relationship?

The abusive relationship can start from very subtle way. Here are some clues to know if you are in a healthy relationship or not. and how to assess the quality of a relationship.

The fact is that, little by little, the abuser undermines autonomy and self-esteem. Isolating the partner from their support network and their friends, after all, a person without a support network has much more difficulty getting out of that relationship.

When identifying that they are in an abusive relationship, the victim usually feels ashamed and guilty for being in this situation. All this makes it difficult to seek help. It is important to understand that there is no fault in being experiencing abuse, of any kind.

Often, the victim identifies the abusive relationship, but has a very difficult time coming to terms with it. Initially there may be denial, as realizing yourself in this place is really very difficult and frustrating.

There is a cycle of abuse in which, between moments of ecstasy in the relationship, the abuser begins to threaten, humiliate, insult, creating an environment of danger that culminates in physical aggression and/or an increase in psychological aggression.

After the apex of the abuse, comes the regret, the apology and the search for reconciliation on the part of the abuser.

At this time, promises of change are usually made so that the person remains in the relationship and there is a great relief from the anguish experienced by the victim, generating a sense of well-being.

This makes it even more difficult for the abused to get out of it. There is also a great fear of retaliation by the abuser. It also makes it difficult to ask for help.

Watch for signs of an abusive relationship

jealous behaviors, that invade privacy and are always suspicious, possessive and in control of everything you do, who you talk to and where you go. Here’s how to differentiate between jealousy and possession.

isolation of circles of friendship, family and activities that you like and are good for you.
Manipulation and superiority: You feel you are right, but he convinces you that you are wrong. He always puts the blame on you. Even if you’re mad at him for something he did, you always end up feeling wrong and apologizing.

Contempt, humiliation and/or belittling: points out faults, corrects and humiliates you in front of others, ignores you or is cold when you express your feelings. Everything you do is never good or enough. Doesn’t say he admires you and makes you feel like crap. Believe me, you are not that. You have done nothing to deserve this.

aesthetic pressure with humiliation of the body, comparisons and demands.

Emotional games: the person curses and/or hits you and says that you are the one causing it. He justifies the humiliation he causes you by saying he does it because he loves you so much. Note: in a healthy relationship, there is no emotional blackmail or aggression, much less justified by feelings.

How to identify an abuser

You might wonder how you feel when you’re with that person. There is no standard abuser profile.

There are classic profiles like a very macho manbut there are also those people with very sweet and deconstructed personalityand who can be abusers.

Watch how you are treated and respected. It is from the dialogue, the behavior that this person has towards you and how you feel with him, that it will be possible to answer the question.

Ask yourself:

Does this relationship make me feel humiliated? Do I feel limited, diminished or afraid? Did any relationship, whether with family or friends, have to be severed? Do I feel an obligation to account for who I talk to and where I am? Have I ever needed to prove my answers out of distrust of the other person? Have I ever had to give out my passwords? Does this relationship make me doubt my sanity and/or ability to do anything? Do I feel afraid to express myself and/or feel silenced when I try to say something? Do I always feel guilty, wrong and end up apologizing even for what I didn’t do? I feel like I never get compliments, but I get criticism and subtle comments about some supposed shortcoming or indifference?

How to get out of an abusive relationship

The first step is to choose a person to talk to about it. It could be a friend, a therapist, or even a stranger who gives you security. The moment you talk about it, you can listen to yourself and begin to better understand what you are experiencing and then create courage and support to get out of this situation.

Another step is the empowerment of the victim. This can be done in therapy or in the support network, but it is important to remember that, while suffering abuse, the person is isolating himself from friends and the support network, from pleasure activities and from his life projects.

The less she does things that give you pleasure outside of the relationship, the more power the abuser has over her. The person is fully immersed in the bubble of this relationship.

Therapy is very important to get out of an abusive relationship and also help to deal with later fear of building a new relationship.

You can work beliefs that may have been developed before, during and after the relationship. For example:

“I have a rotten finger” “A healthy relationship is not for me” “I am the problem”

Working on the guilt and shame of having been in that situation is another point of therapy, which will encourage and support the victim to resume and create projects, keep in touch with friends, and find ways to fulfill their capabilities and potential.

After the breakup, how to deal with the abuser?

After you leave an abusive relationship, it’s important to keep zero contact. This is because the person who attacked (whether psychologically, financially, physically and/or sexually) may try to pull the victim back into the relationship.

If there are bureaucratic situations that still need to be resolved between the aggressor and the victim, it is important to have help, maintain objectivity in the contact and not prolong the conversation, if necessary.

If you have already left the abusive relationship and the person continues to look for, pursue or threaten you, request a protective measure and keep the document with you.

How to help someone who is in an abusive relationship

First, welcome without judgement. That person isn’t there because they want to be and it’s not their fault. It’s not easy to go through this and make a decision to end it. When feeling pressured or judged, this will reinforce the feeling of guilt, shame and weakness to get out of that relationship.

Being a support network means being present even when the person does not yet recognize your presence there. Do not give up or abandon the person who is in an abusive relationship. Don’t confront and judge their difficulty in doing something with it. Be there with her so that when she can take that step, she can feel that she has support for it.

If the person is in denial process, there may not be listening and openness to the subject. She can back off and get in defense state.

It is difficult for the victim to assume that he is in an abusive relationship. In this case, be present, encourage their autonomy and ability to do things, seeking activities and relationships beyond the relationship.

The more she feels supported and with other areas of life active, the easier it will be to realize that her life is not limited and restricted to this relationship. Thus, you will feel more confident and more supported to break with the abusive relationship.

If there is already a possibility of openness to the subject, it is possible, with great care and acceptance, to show that this relationship is not healthy and that it is not her fault.

Be supportive, show resources and support that she can seek, offer whatever help you can to contribute to this exit and to the organization of how to leave.

Where to get help in Rio de Janeiro

These are phones that can help victims of abusive relationships. Search and keep with you the telephones and contacts of your city:

190 – Military Police for reporting and intervention on site 180 – Call Center for women for reporting, guidance and referral to other services. You can also access the Protect Brazil app and the website. (21) 2332-8249, (21) 2332-7200 and (21) 99401-4950 – Integrated Assistance Center for Women: Guides and takes you to a shelter if necessary. (21) 2332-6371 and (21) 97226-8267 and
nudem@dpge.rj.gov.br or nudem.defensoriarj@gmail.com – Special Nucleus for the Defense of Women’s Rights (21) 97573-5876 – Alerj Commission for the Defense of Women’s Rights (21) 98555-2151 Specialized Center Women’s Assistance See the address of a domestic and family violence court…