Abusive relationship: how to identify and safely get rid of it

Anyone who hears about an abusive relationship soon thinks about physical aggression. But know that this is not the only sign that the relationship is totally harmful to the woman. In many cases, by the way, there is no physical violence, but there is evidently moral violence.

“Blackmail, humiliation, disqualification, rejection, abuse of power, unworthiness, that is, the practice of any action that makes a woman feel mistreated or embarrassed is characterized as moral violence”, explains Sirlene Ferreira, a psychologist from São Paulo. Learn how to recognize the main signs of moral and / or physical violence and check out the guidelines to get rid of an abusive relationship as soon as possible.

Signs of an abusive relationship

Abusive relationships are more common than you might think. The problem is that many women don’t realize or “pretend they don’t understand” that the relationship is harmful, either because they still like their partner, or because they are afraid to end it.

Recognizing the situation is the first step to getting rid of an abusive relationship, so watch out for the main signs:

1. He/she is very jealous

No, excessive jealousy is not a “sign of love”. Your partner thinks you shouldn’t talk to other people; “scowls” whenever he sees you interacting with someone; Do you think that, everywhere, there is someone looking or “hitting on you”?!

Know that this is not normal and, much less, a sign that he loves you. Unfortunately, it is much more associated with the fact that you are “owned” by him/her.

2. He/she makes you feel like you don’t understand certain subjects

Even if he/she doesn’t say it openly, do you notice that your partner thinks you don’t understand certain subjects?

This can happen both in conversation with two and when you are among friends. Often, in fact, subtly. In other cases, this can be said in a direct/disrespectful way, for example, in a group conversation, when your boyfriend or husband says: “don’t meddle, woman doesn’t understand cars”.

3. He/she says you are crazy and/or makes drama

Phrases of this type demonstrate the partner’s desire to belittle you, make you suspect your own sanity and/or, simply, the desire to cut off a certain conversation that, on that occasion, is not interesting for him/her .

4. He/she wants to control your life and your choices

Does your partner want to know all the details of what you did on the job? Trying to determine what you will or will not do in relation to work or studies? Do you think about the type of clothes you “can or cannot wear”? Do you control the money and determine what you can spend it on?

Wanting to control every detail of your partner’s life is classic behavior in an abusive relationship.

Sirlene highlights that questioning (where? with whom? why? for what?) for any action or decision of the woman clearly demonstrates the intention to control. “This is also evident when a woman no longer feels worthy of privacy; when she thinks she’s going to have to give satisfaction all the time,” she says.

“Some partners, by the way, control their partners through their cell phones. I’ve heard some women say that before leaving home for work, they had to show their underwear to their partner; while others had their bodies subjected to a visual analysis made by their partners in search of marks”, comments psychologist Sirlene.

5. He jokes about you in front of his friends

If your partner makes specific jokes about you or women in general, to “get the attention of friends”, recognize that this attitude is totally disrespectful (as well as childish).

6. He/she doesn’t respect you when you say you don’t want sex

You don’t feel like having sex, but he/she insists? Or worse, do you always give in because you’re afraid of displeasing him/her?

Have you ever heard your boyfriend or husband saying that “a woman who doesn’t give assistance opens competition”? Make no mistake, these are classic signs of an abusive relationship.

7. Sometimes he/she grabs you hard or yells at you

Physical aggression is not just the act of hitting. Sirlene points out that there is no joke that hurts. “If he got hurt, it wasn’t a joke, it was aggression”, she warns.

Often, situations like this are accompanied by speeches in which the partner tries to make you feel guilty for what happened: “sorry, it was unintentional, I didn’t mean to be aggressive, you made me lose my mind ”.

8. He/she always tries to make you feel guilty for starting an argument

If any conversation becomes an argument and your partner claims that “you started it”, this makes it clear that he/she does not want to continue the matter and does not open the dialogue between the couple.

9. He/she says that, besides him/her, no one will love/accept you

“Fat like this do you think anyone will want you besides me?!” “You don’t know how to do anything, who but me will accept that?”. “You’re stupid, you really have to stay at home being supported by me”.

Offenses, both in terms of physical aspects and psychological and moral aspects, are typical in an abusive relationship and show a desire to diminish the partner and make her believe that, as much as the relationship is not good, “she is not deserves nothing better than that.”

10. He/she threatens to leave you

“If you continue with this subject, I will leave for good”; “I can’t stand these demands anymore, I’m going to break up with you”; “if you take this job, it’s because you don’t love me” are just a few examples of blackmail and threats that should not be admitted in a relationship.

11. He/she is not happy with his/her achievements

Have you ever noticed that your partner is not happy when you come home from work happy, when you get a new job or a promotion, when you sign up for a new course and/or when you have a personal fulfillment?

This type of attitude demonstrates that he does not respect your individuality, he does not like to see you “performing alone”, who understands that your achievements should only be those linked to him/her.

12. He/she doesn’t like you to go out without him/her

He believes that you don’t need to go out with your friends, that you shouldn’t be friends with the people at work, that only the relationship with him/her is enough.

And this should not be defined simply as jealousy, as it is much more related to a feeling of possession, of control.

In this context, there is often, on their part, the fear that other people around them will alert you to the fact that you are in an unhealthy relationship. That’s why he/she wants so much that you continue to live only “in your little world”.

13. He says that “in a fight between a husband and wife, no one puts the spoon in”

Has your partner said this many times, both in your own relationship and that of others? Another typical behavior within an abusive marriage/dating.

14. He/she is aggressive, slamming doors or throwing objects

Even if he/she has never hit you, you notice that he/she changes mood drastically in the middle of an argument and has aggressive attitudes, such as slamming or kicking doors, throwing objects, etc.

15. He/she attacks you (or has already attacked you)

It seems a little obvious, but it’s always good to emphasize: physical aggression is the greatest representation of an abusive relationship. It is that moment that requires a quick, definitive decision-making.

Just stop to think: what might come after that? If he/she has already assaulted you once, he/she is very likely to do it again; and aggression can move to a more advanced stage. Make sure you “have waited too long”, run away from this relationship as soon as possible.

16. He/she promises he/she won’t hurt you anymore

Very common in abusive relationships, after the aggression, the partner shows repentance, promises that he will change, gives gifts, says how much he loves, etc. And it is at this point that many women give up on denouncing and/or ending the relationship.

17. You think you need it to live “financially well”

Sirlene comments that, in some cases, the woman lives as if she were in a “golden cage”, “trapped, but surrounded by new cars, jewelry and a facade social life”. This too, highlights the psychologist, is characterized as an abusive relationship.

Don’t let your partner say and/or never think that you need them to live well financially. Know that you have the competence to build and live your own life, without having to show off a “fake marriage” and/or an “expensive lifestyle”.

18. You’re just afraid to break up

“When a woman is afraid to end a relationship, make no mistake: he is abusive,” notes Sirlene.

19. He is totally disrespectful to women

If you’ve ever noticed that your boyfriend, fiancé or husband is disrespectful to women in general (eg his own mother, sisters, etc.), don’t expect him to be respectful towards you. Don’t believe that he “will change overnight”, or that “he will be totally different because he loves you”.

If you identified with one or several signs of an abusive relationship, start thinking as soon as possible about how to get rid of it. Don’t wait for the situation to get worse.

How to get out of an abusive relationship

“Remember that you live in a country where women have their rights for granted. Enlist the help of people you trust. And, if this help is not enough, look for the women’s police station”, guides Sirlene.

In this context, some steps are very important when leaving an abusive relationship:

• Recognize: the first step, without a doubt, is to recognize/accept. No, this is not normal; you don’t need such a relationship, and above all, you MUST NOT accept it.
• Talk to someone you trust: talk, for example, with a friend you trust or your psychologist/therapist. By externalizing the problem, it will be easier to accept it and to think about measures that should be taken.
• Seek help: in addition to talking to someone you trust, you can call 180 (Women’s Assistance Center) or even look for a Women’s Police Station.
• Be cautious: depending on the situation, it may not be good for your partner to realize that you want to end the relationship. Take the appropriate actions, but avoid saying that “you are going to leave him/her”. Acting is much more important than “threatening”.
• Strengthen your self-esteem: have no doubts that you should get rid of an abusive relationship. Don’t take seriously the insults your partner has said. Focus on your strengths and remember that you have people around you who love and support you. Flaws everyone has, however, no flaw can be a justification for a person to think “that they don’t deserve better”.
• End the relationship: the orientation could not be otherwise. An abusive relationship should not be maintained. And this, of course, is the most difficult step, but it is also the most liberating.

Finally, don’t blame yourself for “one day you got into a…