A mother for two: how to act on the arrival of the second child

The arrival of the second child makes life more intense, dynamic, full of joy and double love. But it’s not just reruns of highlights. If you think about being a mother again, get ready for restless nights, mornings, crying, half time… This is what the experience of journalist Karina Hollo, 39 years old, mother of Maya, 3 years old, and Luisa, 7 months old, shows

I always wanted two children. Maybe because I adored my sister, maybe because I heard my mother, an only child, tell me how lonely she felt as a child. When we have the first baby, we are focused on ourselves and the experience of being a mother. But when ordering the second, we also thought about the first child and giving him a friend for life. It was like that with me. And Luisa was born three weeks after Maya turned 3.

the arrival at home

My husband, Alessandro, was dying to leave motherhood. I wasn’t in such a hurry. For the poor thing, it really couldn’t be comfortable sleeping on the couch. I was already grateful that they took Luisa to change her diaper, brought her food and even that the bed lifted whenever I pressed a button. At home, the mamata was going to end. But finally, we were discharged. And that’s where my life as a mother of two little girls began.

When I left, I was still with that charming little paw wiggle, typical of late pregnancy, and my hair, which hadn’t fallen out for nine months, started to fall out. I also still had an unsexy belly (and I only gained 10 kilos). I was far from being 100%: I walked slowly, found it difficult to get out of bed, because of the cesarean section, and I had very little time to get ready. The most I could do for my vain side was pair postpartum panties with nursing bras. It is during these times that you are sure that your husband loves your “inner self”, because the outer…

Despite being the second time, I had forgotten about postpartum. The scar hurts, the boobs hurt. Speaking of them, I thought breastfeeding would be peaceful. With Maya, it had really been an act of love: the nipples cracked, they bled. My husband woke up in the middle of the night to hold my hand, I was in so much pain. With Luisa, everything went well, until, around the third day, my sensitive skin cracked again. Ai, ai, ai… That’s when a cousin, a certified breastfeeding mother, said that this happened to her when she breastfed her two children. Another, a mother of seven (yes, five boys and two girls, the brave one!), said she had cracks every time. What was I waiting for?

Love that multiplies?

A childhood friend, Bia, mother of two little girls, had told me that love multiplies. However, I found myself restraining my praise for Luisa, so as not to hurt the older woman’s feelings. At the same time, I felt guilty, because, after all, it wasn’t fair to Luli… It took a good two months for me to allow myself to simply be crazy about my baby, the cutest, funniest and hottest thing in the world. And stay crazy about Maya, beautiful, smart, creative, curious.

work quadruples

It was my husband who noticed: work doesn’t double, it quadruples. I lost count of the nights I spent awake, sometimes feeding Luisa, sometimes tending to Maya, who started having nightmares and calling for me. Even during the day, she monopolizes me madly, begs to be held, asks for affection. I just start breastfeeding and she wants to pee, poop…

Not to mention virus ping pong. Maya had her first cold at 6 months when I went back to work and brought the sneezes home. Luisa, on the other hand, had a stuffy nose after only 20 days. Panic. The sister was the first to be infected, her father caught it, so did I… It is much more difficult to isolate the second child. And then, in addition to worrying about the disease, you have two to take care of. I called the pediatrician, sent emails to a cousin and a friend who had already been through this and everything ended well. But office visits double.

exorcising ghosts

I breastfed my eldest exclusively until she was 2 and a half months old. So, I started (with a lot of guilt) to supplement with a bottle, because I didn’t have enough milk. The fear of it happening again only passed when Luisa was on the eve of the third month. Then I realized that things didn’t need to repeat themselves, because, after all, in addition to the girls being different, I was also different, much more experienced and confident. It turns out that comparisons are inevitable: size, weight… Maya had a lot of colic, Luisa suffered less. The eldest struggled to sleep through the night. The youngest, 2 months old, already dreamed for seven hours straight. By the way, except for the case of an ex-boss who assured that the first child made misleading advertisements (he was calm, and the second came a devil), they say that the second ones are born nicer. And they go, little by little, showing their way and their personality.

Almost a walk in the park

Too bad you can’t start with the second one. You already know how to change a diaper, bathe, clean the navel, burp. Identifies the reason for crying and has the maturity to only worry about the important things. But how to deal with the sadness of the other?

The father of one of Maya’s classmates sums up the dilemma well. He says that the arrival of a brother works as if the husband one day said to you: “A new wife is coming, but don’t worry, I’ll love them both equally…” Let’s agree, help! I began to see in Maya’s eyes a heartbreaking sadness for having lost her lap. When Ale and I were going to give Lulu a bath, she would ask: “And who will stay with me?”

She received her sister in a super affectionate way, then started wanting to prove to mom and dad that she was as or more interesting than that little baby girl who was stealing the spotlight. Turns out you can’t multiply attention. It needs to be divided.

It’s also great to see the two getting to know each other and understanding each other. The other day, Maya was talking to Luisa, and the youngest was smiling, babbling, moving her little arms. One thing! Even more enjoyable is watching the two sleeping, beautiful, one close to the other. Apart from the emotion of having those two pairs of eyes watching me, full of love, admiration, affection.

The last pacifier in the pack

There are times, however, when, instead of inflating my self-esteem, when they both want me (and only me) at the same time, I go almost crazy. As soon as we got back home, Maya, despite being only 3 years old, had the impression of a teenager next to Luisa. Luckily, I soon realized that I couldn’t demand mature attitudes from her. Even today, for example, she does the impossible to wake her youngest from her naps. I explain that if Luisa wakes up, she loses the game with Mom, but my princess is not convinced.

Pretend to be alright

Some more experienced friends advised me to set aside time for just the two of us. The problem is that Maya always asks for more (of course!). She’s already blurted out several times that she’s going to stay with Mommy forever. She asks for affection, she says she wants to make me happy, she complains that I always say she’s wrong, and that leaves me heartbroken. I tried to show that I would never lose my care, because the pediatrician said that this is the oldest fear. She also warned that the limitations would be a complicated chapter: explaining that she couldn’t take her little sister’s hand, make noise… The number of “can’t” grows considerably.

Finally, I decided to follow the advice of a co-worker: play fair. I asked her frankly if she was enjoying having a sister. The answer was yes, but she remained sulking in a corner. Then I had the idea of ​​telling the story of a beautiful little girl who had a sister and was afraid, but her mother would never stop being crazy about her, sleeping with her, taking care of her… It worked. My Piscean calmed down. Right on time, because now it’s Luli who’s calling me to sip some milk and make her cheeks even kissable. Here I go!