5 keys to overcome pathological guilt

Do you think you are free to act as you do? The reality is that many times our behaviors have been motivated by energies or vectors that our consciousness does not consider, and that are very far from being rational. We talk about forces that produce the impulse or motivation necessary to act. This is what happens with pathological guilt, a feeling that can tie you to harmful relationships or turn you into your worst enemy.

If you suffer from it, you will probably live with the constant idea that you must behave in a certain way, that you have an account to give and that your mistakes deserve punishment. Perhaps on a logical and rational level you understand that this is not the case, but something inside you urges you to sacrifice and self-punishment, to apologize excessively and to feel that you never act well enough.

If all of this sounds familiar to you, read on to understand what’s going on and what to do about it.

When guilt is disproportionate, that is, it appears frequently and intensely, it is pathological.

What is pathological guilt?

Guilt is one of the so-called self-conscious emotions., along with shame and pride. These have very particular characteristics that are worth knowing. Firstly, they arise from the awareness that the person has of himself as an individual being differentiated from others and the environment. Without this conception there can be no guilt, which is why it does not appear until approximately two years of age.

Besides, It is a complex emotion with a strong cultural component.. That is, it is not innate (like primary emotions), but rather derives from the development of a series of cognitive skills and social interaction with others. Guilt appears or intensifies when we understand that our actions have consequences on those with whom we interact, so it serves to regulate our behavior.

To a certain degree it is necessary and adaptive, since it tells us what to do and what not to live harmoniously in society. However, can become pathological when it acquires the following parameters:

It appears with excessive frequency, and in events or situations in which it should not be present. It is not possible for a person to do everything wrong, so if this feeling arises, it should alert us that we must work on the guilt. It is disproportionate: the discomfort reaction is intense and prolonged, to the point of banishing pity, compassion or simply justice from the judgments that the person makes about himself. It loses its usefulness: guilt serves as a guide to detect a social error and remedy it. However, pathological guilt paralyzes us and, Instead of allowing us to repair the damage, it only leads us to suffer. and crush us emotionally. Therefore, it does not fulfill its function.

Why is it developed?

There are various factors that lead a person to develop pathological guilt.

The parenting style and behavior of the parents usually marks the beginning, since many times those who feel this emotion grew up with narcissistic, manipulative or very critical parents. Furthermore, since guilt is a moral emotion, culture, religion, and schools can also influence this feeling due to the guidelines they instill in us.

Get rid of pathological guilt

In any case, if this unpleasant and limiting emotion is present, it is important to identify it and work to reduce its impact on our lives. The following are some guidelines that can help you achieve this:

Check your attributions

Pathological guilt arises because the person places all the responsibility for a situation on themselves when, probably, that is not the case. Therefore, one way to combat it is to take a moment to recap all the people and events involved in a situation and the degree of influence of each one. By doing so, we will see that our involvement and responsibility is less than we imagined or, at least, shared.

For example, an abused woman may feel guilty about her situation for “provoking her partner’s anger” or for staying by his side. However, when analyzing the facts she will understand that the person most responsible is the abuser.

Take into account your needs

In order to avoid being judged or rejected by others, those who suffer from pathological guilt they tend to go out of their way for others. This means overlooking your own preferences to satisfy other people’s requests. Well, if they don’t do it, they feel selfish and believe that they will be branded as bad people.

A good fit in this regard is learn to differentiate between wants and needs, and understand that oneself also matters. Thus, if someone asks me for a favor derived from a need of theirs, I can help them. However, if a simple desire of the other goes against my needs, I will have to prioritize myself.

This analysis can help the person balance the scales, also take into account yourself and to reach a point from which to assertively set limits.

Remember that you are not responsible for everyone.

Pathological guilt often manifests itself as an uncontrollable urge to solve the lives of others. Thus, as soon as someone makes the slightest complaint or displeasure with a particular situation, the guilty person begins to look for a way to solve that problem that does not even concern them.

This can lead you to making decisions or making offers that you later regretsince they did not come from a genuine desire to help, but from an impulse motivated by the fear of not being good enough.

Thus, it is important to remember that we are not responsible for others, their circumstances or daily challenges. They, as adults, can take charge of the situation and we do not have to put other people’s realities on our backs; especially because these impulsive acts will not be appreciated or rewarded later (finally, no one has asked us for it), and we will end up feeling used and resentful.

Assume your right to make mistakes

To overcome this invasive feeling of guilt, it is necessary to understand that we all make mistakes and that we have the right to do so.

Deeply understand this reality It will help you not be so demanding or self-critical and, on the contrary, to be more self-compassionate. In addition, it will allow you not to be defensive or so sensitive to the comments or criticism of others; Well, you will know how to take it as an opportunity to improve and not as a major attack or invalidation of yourself.

Change your internal dialogue

Finally, take care of your beliefs and how you speak to yourself, as this can reduce or fuel pathological guilt. Remember that every emotion derives from a thought, and that a change in perspective can change how you feel.

Therefore, it can be very positive select a series of phrases that can protect us when guilt threatens to contaminate our entire thought system. For example: “I have the right to prioritize myself”, “I can learn from this and do better next time” or “excessive sacrifice does not make me a better person.”

Pathological guilt is usually worked on in psychological therapy.

Professional help can help you combat pathological guilt

Pathological guilt is usually deeply rooted in the person and constitutes learning derived from early experiences.. For the same reason, getting rid of it is not always easy.

If you feel that this emotion limits you and causes you suffering, seek professional support. A psychologist or therapist can help you identify and understand your behavioral patterns and propose an intervention appropriate to your case.

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