Brothers who act as parents: has this been your case?

Some parents make the mistake of carrying responsibilities that do not correspond to one of their children.. In particular, they tend to delegate part of the care of minors to them. Sometimes, in fact, they end up being a kind of “second parents.”

These types of behaviors also tend to be reinforced by other adults, with comments like “you have to take care of your little brother,” as if that were their responsibility. In this way, the role of caregiver is given.

It is common that, after being the recipient of that message, over and over again, the child ends up assuming what is given to him. That is, think “if everyone says that this is my job, it will be because it is my job.” Thus, many parents end up modeling a child that is perfect on the outside, but broken on the inside.

In other cases, the pressure may be such that the child rebels against that idea, and far from protecting and caring for his brother, he ends up attacking him: he simply cannot find any other way to shoulder a responsibility that he cannot handle.

Playing the role of caregiver for a sibling can cause great suffering in children due to the great responsibility it entails.

Older siblings and their responsibilities

When older siblings are six or seven years older than those who follow them, Most likely, this trend appears almost naturally. Of course, once adults identify it, it tends to be reinforced. In this case, depending on how and when they do it, what they can achieve is precisely the opposite effect to what they intend, and the brother stops acting as caregiver unless he understands that he is going to be reinforced for it.

In this context, we can also find a child who completely neglects his needs (caregiver) and at the same time another who delegates the satisfaction of his own needs to his brother (care). Furthermore, the dedication of the caregiver can motivate an extraordinarily vigilant attitude, preventing her brother from making mistakes and, therefore, also learning and gaining autonomy. Be careful because education is a complex task that only an adult can take on.

Between responsibility and fear

Older siblings are not always comfortable with the arrival of another child in the house, especially if they are small.. Parents often refuse to see this reality, assuming that the sibling will naturally act as protector of the newcomer.

They will greatly fear breaking the expectations of their loved ones, contradict adults or upset them and therefore will try to fulfill the role that they are assigning, even if they don’t like it.

It is not uncommon for them to begin to feel that anything negative that happens to minors is, in one way or another, their fault. He fears that his parents will stop loving him if he does not fully comply with the assigned task.. Over time, they become adults who do not recognize their own needs and who tend to take on any problems of others as their own.

The feeling of guilt is very common in those children who take care of their siblings.

Contraindications with potential caregiver siblings

There are certain demands that we should never make of a minor. The first of them is to replace a father or a mother.. It is not his responsibility to ensure the well-being of his brother. This function must be in the hands of an adult, if the parents cannot perform it.

Older siblings also do not have to systematically prioritize the satisfaction of their brother’s needs over the satisfaction of their own. Let them do it when they can and want.

On the other hand, like any child, education largely consists of children internalizing the importance of civic behavior, but from there to having to be a model for their brother there is an enormous distance.

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