3 reflections on love, by Erich Fromm

Erich Fromm’s reflections on love are relatively well-known and important questions arise from them, such as: what does it mean to love? How can this feeling be maintained? Or is love something temporary?

Erich Fromm, through his book “The Art of Loving” left us a great source of inspiration to reflect on love. This author was able to consider love as an art, as a feeling that we can all have the potential to generate, but that requires care to maintain it.

Erich Fromm’s reflections on love are relatively well-known and important questions arise from them, such as: what does it mean to love? How can this feeling be maintained? Is love something temporary?

The study of love by this humanist psychologist and philosopher stands out for its enormous maturity. Observing love as an art, which is the result of previous learning. He understands that it is necessary to take care of it and cultivate it, so as not to interrupt the learning process in love.

“The first step to take is to become aware that love is an art, just as living is an art. If we want to learn to love we must proceed in the same way as we would if we wanted to learn any other art, music, painting, carpentry or the art of medicine or engineering.

-Erich Fromm-

Mature love according to Erich Fromm

In this reflection the author differentiates between mature love and childish love. He speaks of love as a need and of the need of the other as a consequence of love:

“Child love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.” Mature love obeys the principle: “They love me because I love.” Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.”

-Erich Froom-

This principle questions how we relate to each other in our society and does not hesitate to affirm that we do it more out of necessity than to share our love with another person. Think that sharing our feelings requires that we be connected to them, understanding and caring for them.. In such a way that we are not left looking outside for the needs that we do not know how to cover.

Using love to escape our loneliness

When we make use of love and use it to escape our discomforts, we are condemned to destroy it.. If we use this feeling as a refuge from what we cannot bear in our lives, we will be running away from ourselves.

“Love as reciprocal sexual satisfaction, and love as teamwork and as a refuge from loneliness, constitute the two normal forms of the disintegration of love in contemporary Western society, of the socially determined pathology of love.”

-Erich Fromm-

This way of loving becomes pathological, since it means not paying attention to our personal development. It implies not listening to ourselves and expecting others to take responsibility for what we are not capable of and which actually falls within our area of responsibility. If we act like this we will be leaving our happiness in the hands of someone external and in this way we will become very vulnerable..

This is how projections arise, seeing in others what we cannot bear to see in ourselves.. It is a childish way of not wanting to take responsibility for our own existence, with what that entails. When we turn love into a tool, as an escape route from finding ourselves, we lose our ability to love and our honesty to relate.

Read Also: Emotional healing: when we learn to laugh at something that made us cry

Fromm considered loving an art. Art is cultivated, created, pampered; same with love. If we think that love is finding that person who “fits” with us, we will only be projecting our shortcomings on them and hoping that they will make us happy. Love is the complete opposite. Love is giving and not expecting to receive so much.

The active energy of love

Love is a surplus energy that we have thanks to having our basic needs covered. Erich Fromm understands that this energy must be mobilized, it is not enough to feel it, but you must also live it, and this can only be done by taking care of it and feeding it.

There are certain difficulties in a relationship that are inevitable and even necessary, certain obstacles that cause negative emotions that we have to deal with. It is good to make room for these emotions we experience and understand that disruptions usually arise from something we do not pay attention to. Emotions are our most intimate and personal language, also helping us to relate in a more honest way.

“Love is a constant challenge; not a place of rest, but a moving, growing, working together; Whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two beings experience each other from the essence of their existence, that they are one with the other by being one with themselves and not by fleeing from themselves. .”

-Erich Fromm-

Finally, from this reflection we can extract the importance of the fact that two people relate from their own essence, since only through a deep knowledge of each other will the couple be able to build a solid foundation, on which their own love can evolve. Think that It is a mistake to love to escape from oneself, since in this way it is not possible to have a healthy and reciprocal encounter.

Read Also: How to relieve the pain of disappointment?

If we love to escape from ourselves, one day we will realize that nothing authentic sustains our relationship, only filling a void.. That day we will feel unhappy and sad. We will have realized that the relationship has been a kind of farce to entertain us. That is why It is so important to first know how to be with yourself and love yourself in a healthy way.