15 Reasons You Might Not Feel Affection For Your Parents, And Why You Shouldn’t Blame Yourself For It

“But it’s my mother”, “My parents sacrificed themselves for me, I should be grateful”. Although we know that childhood leaves deep marks on people’s lives, the relationship between parents and children is still a taboo in our society. Admitting negative feelings towards parents is generally not accepted, even if the trauma inflicted over the years turns into self-punishment, anxiety and deep feelings of failure.

we, from awesome.club, we agree with the opinion of psychologists that people are not obliged to feel affection for their relatives, even if they are the mother or the father. In today’s post, we’re going to share some examples of when family interaction can be more toxic than it appears. Follow up!

Some parents bombard their children with criticism every time they feel angry, frustrated, or just discouraged. This helps them release negative emotions and hide their vulnerabilities. In these cases, anything the child does—even with good intentions—can be the trigger for complaints and fights. Over the years, these parents’ constant need to nurture their own self-esteem does not disappear, but adult children may no longer feel the desire to overlook rudeness, much less to show affection.

There is a category of parents who believe that if the child is fed, clothed and shod, then the mission has been accomplished. Aloof and cold, they may be present in their children’s lives physically but not emotionally or spiritually. Growing up, this child may feel like they need to “repay the debt”: help financially, provide care, take to doctor’s appointments. But even then, one should not expect too much affection or attention in return.

Narcissistic parents are usually very participatory. They closely monitor how the child studies, which student unions he attends and the successes he achieves. Such mothers and fathers feed their own ego with the achievements of their children, but do not necessarily see them as autonomous individuals. Any mistake, low grade or bad placement in any contest can be reason enough for reprimands. That is, there is a lot of pressure on the child’s shoulders, which can make him think he is not “good” enough. In adulthood, this person usually ends up moving away from their parents so they don’t feel pressured anymore.

Emotionally “cold” moms and dads may not reject their children outright, but they can be a little flippant and selfish, as if their problems and personal matters come first. Later in life, these parents bitterly realize that, for some reason, their children are not showing the love, affection, or respect they expected. However, in fact, there is no reason to be surprised. A famous proverb illustrates this situation well: “We reap what we sow”.

Many children, who are devalued by their parents in childhood, feel shame, and this feeling can last a lifetime. As a form of protection, they end up doing the same to “pay in kind”: playing with their parents’ tastes, devaluing their feelings and even belittling their merits and achievements. Or, they may simply lose the patience to tolerate insults and become emotionally distant.

Older parents often resort to a classic form of manipulation: “We fed you, we raised you, and you do nothing for us, you ungrateful!” They know they have a big influence over their children and they try to maintain that control even after their “little ones” move away. Such mothers and fathers may pressure, emotional blackmail, force their children to choose between themselves and friends—thus creating a situation in which any choice would cause estrangement. The most appropriate solution, in these cases, is not to succumb to the threats of manipulative parents and learn to set limits, without forgetting, of course, to show appreciation and gratitude for everything they have done.

There is nothing wrong with mothers and fathers who create certain expectations for their children. The bad thing is when it becomes an obsession. If in each conversation the subject is summarized in: “When are you going to raise a family? I want grandchildren soon”, there is a good chance that the family relationship will only become more distant. Parents who know they ask uncomfortable questions and continue to constantly annoy their children shouldn’t be surprised at how alienating this can be.

Psychological support for children is as important as breast milk in the early stages of life. The trauma caused by an insensitive parent does not go away on its own: some people feel unmotivated, lacking in self-confidence, and afraid to get emotionally involved. Others, on the contrary, try to show their parents that they have value and try twice as hard to succeed in life. However, both groups often feel abandoned and lonely.

Trusting an adult with a secret is a big step for a child: it’s both a test of integrity and a way to bond. However, if, instead of just keeping the secret, the parent makes fun of, or downplays what was said, and then still tells friends openly, trust in them could be lost forever. It is not uncommon for such situations to prompt children not to open up to their parents in adulthood — because they are afraid or insecure about what may happen.

I stopped trusting my mother at age 7 when I told her I liked a boy in my class, and the next morning all my relatives knew about it. We’ve had similar problems before, but this story put an end to my trust in people close to me. Today, she regrets that I haven’t been open in 21 years and says I’m very closed off. And when I asked, “And why did you open your mouth to everyone?” she replied, “I didn’t do any of that! I don’t remember, at least. You like to exaggerate too, right?!” © nfh354410 / Pikabu

“So big and crying like a baby”, “Everyone is laughing at you”, “You don’t look cute crying like that. Enough!” Many parents believe that embarrassing their children when they have a tantrum or crying is the only way to stop them. However, this attitude usually leaves the child more closed off, shy and feeling guilty. Not only is it natural to cry when you’re sad or hurt, it’s also important to learn to deal with negative emotions, rather than just repressing them. Otherwise, it can be a direct path to psychological problems in the future.

Control-obsessed parents think they have the right to choose what their children study, who they date or marry, and where they work. And for them, it makes no difference whether the children have grown up and can make their own decisions. This control, in principle, is irrational. One of the most recurring arguments is: “Because I said so and that’s it!” People who have not been able to free themselves from parental influence in childhood experience many difficulties in adulthood. Not only do they accumulate a contained anger, but they also tend to adapt to the needs of others often, thinking that they are more important than themselves.

Often, there are family situations in which one of the siblings ends up receiving more affection from the parents. When, for example, parents determine that the older child should be more responsible, he will be reprimanded for minor mistakes, while the younger child “gets off” more easily. Or, still, when they use the oldest child as an example for the smallest, indicating that the youngest must strive to meet the expectations created. If this problem is not noticed and a certain “preference” for one of the children continues to be evident, the conflict between the siblings may be aggravated, as well as the relationship between the “least loved” child and the parents.

It was 1996, I was 9 years old, and I was the oldest child. Someone said on TV that younger children were most loved by their parents, and my dad said to my mom, “Gee, it’s true, isn’t it? Why does that happen…” And my mother agreed. It was a very sad moment and I remember that day like it was yesterday. © NAZAROVV74 / Pikabu

“You shouldn’t praise the child, otherwise he will become cocky and will not try anything!”, say some parents. In their method of education, there are only punishments and no rewards. Parents themselves set unattainable goals for their children and then are surprised to see that their little ones are suffering from perfectionism, anxiety and low self-confidence.

Manipulative parents heavily shift the blame for their own unfulfilled ambitions onto their children. They often play the victim: “If it wasn’t for you, my life would have been very different.” Such words penetrate deep and evoke a sense of guilt. To protect yourself from possible toxic relationships, it’s important to set healthy boundaries and not succumb to manipulation. The responsibility for the birth and upbringing of a child rests solely with the parents.

“What will others say?”, “I know the whole city, how am I going to look people in the eye?” — these may be the words of selfish parents, for whom external approval is more important than the feelings and well-being of their own children. They are so concerned with preserving their self-image and showing that they are exemplary that there is no room for other issues. Will a person who does not feel accepted by the father or mother want to maintain close relationships with them in the future? Will you want them to be part of your life? As sad as it is, the answer is often negative.

Have you ever had times when you had serious conflicts with your parents? What phrase would you never say to your kids?