12 Stories about the work of lawyers that are real jokes

Can a real book come out of a blog? And why not? That’s what happened to Konstantin Kostin. It all started when this lawyer with almost 10 years of experience began to share fun cases about his professional practice on social media. And netizens liked the reports so much that, in 11 months, Konstantin’s blog went viral and started making money from the clicks obtained. The lawyer then decided to gather the best stories and send them to a publisher.

I had a client whom, a few years ago, I helped with the division of goods after the marriage ended. After a while, he came back to me to process a new divorce. The client gave me the whole situation, and I gave the price for the service.

– But I already paid!

– When?

– Last time.

“Well, but then you were married to one woman, and now you’re married to another.

“So I have to pay every time I get divorced?”

– That’s right.

He was offended. He’s gone. Since then, he hasn’t come to me anymore.

A citizen lost a lawsuit in which he accused another man of having purposely crashed his car, and he filed an appeal. In favor of the accused there was the recording made by the car camera. Finally, the citizen found himself with no more coherent arguments and made a statement without the slightest sense:

— He said that the accused had installed a video camera in the car intentionally to exonerate himself, as he had previously planned to cause an accident.

My client’s daughter, born in 1935, died, and her grandmother was vying with her granddaughter over the inheritance: an apartment. Before coming to me, the elderly woman had visited other law firms for more than a year, but they all refused to accept the case, which was difficult and would not yield high fees.

I decided to help you because I felt sorry for you. In the end, the judge’s decision was in our favor. It was something to celebrate.

Then the lady came to see me:

“Shouldn’t you give my money back, son?

— And why would I return it? The lady took the apartment.

“Yes, I was. But you didn’t do anything, the judge decided!

I was in my office, not bothering anyone. The phone rang and I heard a female voice:

‘How much does a child’s case cost?’

– It depends. Is it a case of pension, shared custody, recognition of paternity…?

– That’s weird! I called another office and right away they told me it would cost R$4,700.

— Well… let’s say it would cost R$ 4,500 here.

“Can’t you do it for less?”

— Then describe the situation in more detail.

‘Nothing much!’ It’s a dispute over a child!

– OK I understand! Cases like this are really complicated, here too it will cost R$ 4,700.

She hung up.

A bank sued a court asking a customer to pay off a loan that, with interest and corrections, was almost R$980,000 – converted amount. The bank representative justified the amount by the terms of the contract.

The document had been shortened to fit on a single sheet of paper, and was left with such small handwriting that it was impossible to read.

The judge, a man in his 45s, tried to decipher the text of the contract. Then, probably tired of looking at flea-sized letters, he said:

‘How much money did the man borrow?’

— BRL 118 thousand.

“Well, that’s enough, I’m not going to play microbiologist here.

And he ordered the man to pay only the R$ 118,000. The bank representative assured them that they would appeal.

At the end of March I got a call from a potential client. She spoke correctly, with well-articulated speech. Initially, she had no problems.

— Can I appeal an inheritance? Because my father left the apartment, the land, the garage, everything to my brother.

— The law gives the possibility to contest a will, but in practice these cases are a little complicated… Tell me more details.

“You see, my father worked in Special Services. And there, they zombified him.

I had already begun to suspect that it was a case of mental imbalance. I looked for a way to pretend to be ignorant, but carefully:

“I think it will be difficult to prove zombification in court.

– Because? It’s easy to prove. See, I do séances, and…

And for the first time in my life, I hung up on a client.

A customer came in with a very unusual question: How can I sue a sauna and demand alimony payment?

I was very surprised, and asked him to explain himself.

He said that he had been on a business trip for 6 months, and that, when he returned, he found his wife 4 months pregnant. The woman said the pregnancy occurred when she and some friends went to a sauna and swam in the on-site pool. And that she had no way of knowing what kind of stuff was in the pool.

The man loved his wife, and he didn’t think she was to blame for what happened. However, he considered it fair that the sauna, which was inadequately cleaning its pools, paid for the child’s expenses.

I laughed so hard and so loud that it felt like the windows were shaking. I think it didn’t take long for the man to understand that I couldn’t help him.

I went to the office of some well-known lawyers, and they were both busy talking to a client.

Another acquaintance came in, who was a foreigner, and sat down next to me. He described his situation to me and asked: are you going to deport me or not? I told him to wait for the subject matter experts to be free, so they could give better guidance.

The man couldn’t wait any longer and left. Finally, my friends finished what they were doing and asked me:

“Why didn’t you clear his doubt?”

“It’s just that I don’t know anything about immigration law.

‘And what difference does it make?’ He should have charged $50 for the consultation and told him he would not be deported. If you don’t get deported, then you were right. And if he is deported, he will have nothing to complain about.

At that time I understood why they drive luxury cars and I drive my 1.0.

In the middle of last week a client appeared asking me to file a process for payment of alimony. I took copies of the child’s birth certificate and divorce certificate.

That’s when I saw that the marriage between the woman and the citizen had ended in 2014, and that the child’s birth certificate (from 2016) had the name of another man as the father.

I then asked who the biological father was. The woman said it was the man on the birth certificate.

— And how are we going to ask for support from the first, if the child’s father is the second?

“Why would I want alimony from the second?” He has 3 children, one with each wife. I’ll ask the first one, who has money to spare.

— We cannot ask for alimony for someone who is not the biological or adoptive father of the child.

— Terrible… Your service is terrible! I will go to an office that works properly.

A client has just walked into my office. She brought up the following problem: a few months ago, on public transport, someone took her wallet out of her purse. The amount of money was relatively large, around R$700 (in converted amounts), not to mention credit and debit cards. As anyone would, she went to a police station and registered the theft.

This morning, she received a reply by mail from the police: the process would not be started, as the woman was unable to prove that the wallet existed before the theft.

Brilliant answer.

I was in the office doing nothing, bored. Suddenly, a breathless woman walked in and threw her cell phone on my desk, saying:

– Does not work!

— Well, then you should go to the technical assistance, which is in the building next door.

“They’ve already fixed it twice. I don’t need that phone anymore. I want my money back.

– No problems. To file a claim, the amount is X, and to file a petition, our fees would be Y.

Then she jumped out of her chair, as if she had been bitten by a snake. Her eyes wide, like two plates.

– You are a lawyer! He took the Pythagorean oath: to help people for free.

“In the first place, I swore not to Pythagoras, but to Themis. Second, you don’t have to help for free. No money, no work.

– I’ll sue you!

And left. I got the feeling that even if no other clients showed up, that day’s work would not have been in vain.

A client came to me wanting to get back the money he had paid for a ticket to a show. For some reason, that day the person was unable to attend the show.

Initially, the employee who had sold the ticket said the company would not refund the money.

In the course of negotiations, the company’s position changed to “contact the organizer”, and after receiving a written complaint, it changed to “refund possible with a 10% penalty”. The end result was “the refund will be made to your credit card between 10 and 30 business days”.

This taught us one thing: if the person responsible for the product or service denies you something in a personal conversation, their opinion can change completely if you start a formal written communication.

Life is full of interesting surprises! Which of the stories above did you find the most curious? Comment!