10 Truths Marriage Therapists Wish You Knew

There are still those who see couples therapy as the last resort of an unhappy couple on the eve of divorce. Is not. Increasingly, it can and has been used to resolve a conflict between partners that has been blocking the lives of two. In fact, in general, the sooner you seek help, the better. “Otherwise, it might be too late”, evaluates Ailton Amélio da Silva, professor of psychology at the University of São Paulo (USP) and author of Love Relationship (Publifolha), among other books of the genre. “It is common for the couple to look for a professional only when there is already a lot of wear and tear in the relationship. Then, it is really difficult to reverse the situation”, she admits. He and three other specialists, all with extensive experience in assisting spouses (and even fiancés and boyfriends who do not yet live together), help to better understand what the couch for two is (or is not) about and how to enjoy the time in front of the therapist to move the relationship forward.

1. The goal is to be together, or apart and happy

Keeping the couple together and in harmony is the main objective. “If the decision to separate is already made by both of you, it is not necessary to look for a therapist, but a lawyer”, summarizes Flávio Gikovate, psychotherapist and author of books such as A New Vision of Love (MG Editors). If only one of the parties wants the end or if no one is thinking of ending but the conflicts are lingering or bringing distress, then there are issues to be worked on. Whatever the reason, if after the sessions each one decided to go their separate way, it doesn’t mean that the process went wrong. “If it is to divorce, let the separation take place in a pleasant way for the good of each one and of the children, if any. The tendency is for conflicts to worsen at the time of separation. In this, the professional can help a lot”, says Gikovate.

2. Love life doesn’t have to be a bed of roses

“In a relationship, several elements come into play”, recalls Ailton Amélio. From the life story to the temperament of each one, passing through behavior in bed. And just as there are a variety of issues involved, there are also possibilities for disagreements. The point is not to avoid them, but to be able to deal with them when they appear. “This can mean both solving them and deciding that it is worth living with them”, says psychoanalyst Luiz Hanns, author of The Marriage Equation (Company of Letters).

3. Not everything can be solved with conversation

Dialogue can be curative in many cases, but it is not the solution for everything. “Sometimes, the conflict has no solution, even if the two like each other”, says psychoanalyst Mena Mota, from São Paulo. This generally occurs when life projects are very different – ​​one wants children, the other does not, for example. “Entering into an agreement presupposes giving up, which is part of every relationship. But, when worldviews are very different, it can happen that one cancels out to satisfy the other”, she says. This strategy, which is (almost) always learned, usually has a limited time.

4. The process is sometimes exhausting

For Hanns, many are more resistant to joint therapy because it generally arises as a result of conflicts. “In the individual, each one presents only their version of the facts”, she adds. “In a couple, your vision can be contested by the other, generating confrontation.” Crying and even insults are common reactions. And then it’s up to the professional to help organize the conversation.

5. There is no judge

The therapist’s role is that of a mediator, not a fan of one of the partners, nor a judge of the situation or owner of the truth. “It is up to the good professional to try to understand those individuals and the couple as a whole. He’s like a hacker who tries to get into each one’s software to find a point of convergence between both and make the seam”, ponders Gikovate.

6. You don’t have to tell everything

In individual therapy, all content that the patient presents is welcome, including daydreams that cross the mind, fantasies, dreams… But, when the session is divided, some issues can be kept outside – and even should. “Of course there has to be a good deal of delivery, but it’s not necessary to say everything”, assesses Hanns. “Once, a patient said that her ex was better endowed. The husband was hurt and couldn’t get over it. Sex life was impaired. These are things that can come to our mind, but which, if the other person knows about it, are capable of causing damage.” Give priority to what has been causing anguish and that, shared with the other, can lead to a new stage in the relationship.

7. The problem can be punctual

Therapy is also useful (and a lot) to resolve specific situations, such as difficulties in reaching an agreement on finances or children’s education and even disorders in relationships with relatives, for example. “I’ve successfully worked on several types of more focused issues in three months of therapy,” says Mena.

8. It’s not enough to go, you have to participate

As in individual therapy, you need to empathize with the professional and engage with the process. “It’s very common for one partner to be unwilling to expose himself or invest in the relationship, while the other is,” says Hanns. “It is up to the therapist to realize this and work on the issue. Even because, if the indisposition remains, the work becomes unfeasible.” In cases like this, it is possible that some individual sessions are proposed to understand what is happening. “Sometimes I prepare the patient alone so that he can express himself better together”, explains Mena.

9. What happens in the office stays in the office

Are you both reserved and uncomfortable with the idea of ​​putting yourself out there? “I don’t even ask details of the profession,” says Gikovate. And privacy is always respected. Even what is said on the couch individually, if there are sessions with only one of the partners, is not shared in the two-way conversation without authorization. What’s more, therapists don’t usually discuss patients’ problems at the bar table. “If necessary, for professional reasons, I speak with colleagues about a case, but omitting names and details so that patients are not identified”, says Silva.

10. If you want, come back often

Couples can resume sessions after months or years away from the office. “I have patients who are cyclical,” says Silva. “Others resolve the issue that brought them in and don’t show up anymore.” The return may be for a new reason or for the same reason. Far from being a sign of weakness, it indicates maturity – to resolve what troubles the relationship.