You are not defined by what you have, but by who you are.

The definition of the human being is complex and full of nuances. In this space we delve into this idea, so don’t miss it.

When someone defines themselves, they usually start by saying “I am…” I am a psychologist, a cook, a loving, grumpy person… But this is not true, no one is anything in essence other than a person. Whoever defines himself in this way forgets many other aspects of himself.

No one is totally a psychologist, not totally a cook, loving or grumpy. These are just particular characteristics that develop from time to time in our lives, but they do not define us.

It is much more correct to say that “sometimes I practice psychology, other times I know how to prepare a good dish, sometimes I am affectionate and from time to time I behave like a grump.”

In this way, we do not present ourselves in a global way, as if that part of us we are talking about constitutes our complete self, when in reality they are nothing more than parts of our entire person, which is much more complex.

Dr. Albert Ellis, father of rational emotive therapy, taught us that It is preferable to use the verb have over the verb be, which implies evaluating particular behaviors or specific actions. of people, but not to the person as a whole.

Saying “sometimes I have had a bad temper with my wife” is not the same as saying “I am a complete idiot with my wife.”

Who will feel worse about themselves? Evidently, he who evaluates himself globally will have a much lower self-esteem that people who are aware that a particular attitude, quality, or possession does not define them as human beings.

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What define you?

The unconditional acceptance that Ellis proposed is intended to Human beings do not fall into the trap of defining ourselves based on external, superfluous or perishable characteristics.such as physical appearance, fame, success, money or status.

Quite the contrary of this, people have to learn to accept themselves regardless of all this and to love themselves unconditionally for the fact of being human.

According to Ellis, All human beings have the same value, regardless of our qualities or defects, since It is impossible to calculate the value of a person. There is no rule to measure it, although unfortunately in our culture it is stated that one person is worth more or less than another depending on certain traits or possessions.

This only leads us to absurd comparisons with others., for our self-esteem to plummet and for our happiness to be a function of what we are supposed to or should not possess. We could list so many pathologies that have to do with this absence of unconditional acceptance!

Imagine the case of someone who compares himself to another because the latter has achieved much greater professional success than him. This person is placing such importance on professional success that it defines him completely, even if it is only a small area of his life.

If we investigate, we will surely find in it irrational thoughts such as “I am worthless”, “I will never be able to get there”, “I am useless for not having managed to be someone in life”, etc.

This person will feel very unhappy, they will probably throw in the towel, stop fighting for what they want and reaffirm their low self-esteem.

The same would not have happened if it had been accepted without that condition. That is, if his thoughts had been more rational – rather than positive -: “I have not achieved that achievement, but I have other important things in life”, “just because he is more successful does not mean that I am useless”, “ my value as a person is not a function of professional achievements”, etc.

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Just as you evaluate yourself, so you will evaluate

To carry out good unconditional acceptance of oneself, one must also unconditionally accept others. The key is not to give value or subtract it, no matter who the person we meet is.: someone unattractive, someone very intelligent, someone famous or the homeless person on the corner. They all have the same value.

This is a very important point, because it causes relationships with others to improve greatly. If we do not judge so much, if we do not evaluate others for what they do, we will not do it with ourselves either and that frees us from those enormous pressures that we sometimes put on ourselves.

Some strategies that you can carry out with others are: not being so demanding and wanting to change the other person, forgiving and understanding that we all make mistakes sometimes, not playing others in global terms, but only their particular behavior that we It has affected and loved people for being human like us.

These techniques will have a positive impact on you, because you will create the habit of unconditional acceptance and you will not be so demanding with others, with yourself or with life. in general, which generates much healthier emotions. And don’t forget that who you are defines you, not what you have.