Why it is so difficult to find a partner after 40 and how to reverse it

They say 40 is the new 30.

So why is it so hard to find a partner at this age?

If you’re going through your 40s, like me, you’re probably constantly wondering.

And it is that, finding a partner at this point in life feels like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Life experiences, previous relationships, and life’s demands can make it difficult to achieve this.

Here I will give you 6 tips to make it easier for love to arrive after 40.

In addition, I will explain 12 reasons that I consider obvious to understand why it is difficult to find a partner at this age.

Why do I call them obvious?

Because I assure you that when you read them, you will agree with me.

The 12 obvious reasons

1) We already know what a couple is about

The happy ending of the fairy tale is not a reality for everyone.

And that of the saying “with you, bread and onion” alluding to the fact that only love matters, can be a fallacy.

Beyond each other’s experiences, many agree that sometimes love alone is not enough.

That’s not to say that happiness and love don’t go hand in hand.

But the rose-colored veil with which we idealized love in our youth has already fallen.

And our way of facing the possibility of a new romance is related to what we have experienced.

And this may involve fear of disappointment or raise our demands to achieve a new partner.

2) The problem is not age, it is the requirement

After 40, we have several love experiences on our backs, and this makes us more demanding.

Generally, we are already self-sufficient and determined.

We are looking for someone who enriches our life, and who does not create more responsibilities or difficulties for us.

This is because we have already gone through many stories and known different outcomes.

And not only from our own experience but also, taking into account what those around us experienced: friends, family, even our own parents.

Therefore, we are clear about what we want (and what we don’t want!) from a person and a relationship.

Our experience and sense of smell tell us more easily if a new love will be worth it or not.

3) It’s a matter of time

With maturity comes wisdom.

You are no longer just looking for sex.

The intention is to find that someone with whom to share the rest of your life.

As we have already lived certain experiences, we do not feel like wasting time.

That is, we are aware of the decisions we make and we try not to meet someone just because.

Not for lack of desire, but because we no longer have the patience for adolescent games.

Don’t get me wrong, playing these games occasionally can make us feel invigorated.

But in the end, if we choose to live it, we understand that this will only entertain us briefly.

That is, it is not material to form a bond that could be long-term.

4) We are no longer 20

No intention of making us feel old, because we are NOT!

It is clear that the rules of the game have changed since our sweet 18 or 20 years.

The challenges of looking for a partner at 20 or 30 are not the same as at 40 or older, of course.

There are factors that make the search more demanding.

And, furthermore, when flirting, we no longer move in the same circles as before.

And much less, in the same way.

Unlike in our 20s, our social environment is no longer predisposed to everyone finding a partner.

And, not knowing how to manage within the new social context of dating, creates uncertainty.

For example, what codes are there today in whatsapp, or how to meet someone through an app.

This can curb the desire to achieve it. Since one feels uncomfortable or insecure.

5) Peer pressure

They force us to think that we should live together.

With this duty instilled, we continue to insist that if we are alone, we must meet someone.

In an interview for the Clarín newspaper, Gabriel Rolón says that,

«The world is still armed to live in pairs. If someone invites you to a party, they ask who you’re going with. If you’re alone, you feel out of step with the culture. That makes some rush to stop being alone. It’s not easy going through life alone.”

But is it really a necessity to have a partner?

Sometimes unconsciously we feel this duty to form a relationship.

And this can push us to desperately search for a person.

But finding out what we really need first is the most important thing.

6) Being alone feels good

Some enjoy this loneliness and do not wish to change it.

This makes fewer people willing to form a bond.

I mean, finding someone who is actually available can be a challenge.

Rolón mentions in this regard that,

«When one gets used to loneliness, then relationships cost him. Think a lot before connecting, because relating is giving up your own space.»

Although it is comfortable to have sexual relations available to us, not all of us want to be in a relationship.

That is a fact.

In the case of women, it often happens that they prefer to be alone rather than in bad company.

Above all, those who feel fulfilled and have no desire to have children.

Rolón mentions in this regard that,

«The model of women has changed a lot. Now the woman does not have the obligation to be a mother. The arrival of blended families also provides a space for the new couple to have their privacy.”

7) Past relationships

If you’ve been cheated on, or had a painful divorce, choosing to trust someone new again is challenging.

Many still did not even face the duel of the separation.

So they carry a sentimental past about them before they met that special someone.

And you may, emotionally, find yourself with wounds that have not yet healed.

And, surely, it generates frustration or difficulty in trusting love again.

Which makes it difficult to generate something new, since the old is still being processed.

Although it is important to have closed the relationships of the past.

It gives us a unique gift, the opportunity to ask ourselves:

What am I really looking for in a partner?

What kind of person do I need by my side at this stage of my life?

And thus know what can really make us feel good and generate joy and happiness.

8) We know what we want

When you understand what’s good for you, you don’t get lost in a sea of ​​people to meet.

On the contrary, the search or encounter becomes very specific.

And it is that, at this age, we already go through an important part of our lives.

And each loving experience that we live gave us the opportunity to clearly discern what we are looking for.

This greatly reduces the margin of people around us to choose a love, right?

9) We are not willing to lose

When it comes to being with someone it is easy to back down.

Because we know what things we are willing to tolerate in the other.

But we also know what attitudes we would not be willing to put up with.

Whether it’s broad things like how to manage finances in your life.

Or something small like what to do during our leisure time.

One tends to become more inflexible and begins to ask “Am I willing to change myself one more time?”

The psychologist Gabriel Rolón also indicates that,

«desire generates search, mobilizes. But there is a big difference between what one fantasizes about and what one actually finds.»

The challenge is for both people to agree on what they are looking for in order to achieve a bond.

And within this bond, there will be those who only want sex and others who will seek company.

Or perhaps, having a relationship, but maintaining separate houses and routines.

The important thing is that, when taking the next step, it is by mutual agreement.

10) The family

Many of us looking for love out there already have a consolidated family.

Opening the doors to a new love means exposing your children to a new version of you.

This generates fear and makes it easy to back down.

We end up thinking about situations that have not yet occurred such as:

“What if my kids can’t get along with my new partner?”

Even this feeling of fear of neglecting them, hurting them and even changing their routines is born.

Since, the children condition the available time that we have to be able to meet someone new.

They require a lot of time and dedication, especially if they are still small.

11) Want to start a family

If, on the other hand, you are not yet a mother or a father, but you want to be, the decision you make will be crucial.

Meeting someone who has the same goal and wanting to achieve it in a short time is challenging.

Although, I assure you that it is not impossible. There are many who are traveling the same path.

Science today allows many ways to start a family.

In addition, there are people willing to open the doors of their families to have stepfamilies.

It is never too late to achieve it, if both of you want it.

12) The challenge of meeting new people

You don’t have a chance to meet new people because you already have an established routine.

Generally, you hang out with friends who are with their partners.

The circles are reduced, since many of those around you are in a relationship or with an established family.

You no longer have, like at 20, a clan to party with.

Your way of socializing has changed. And that makes meeting someone new a challenge.

Tips to find you love

1) Reconnect with yourself

Elizabeth Gilbert describes this process well in her novel “Eat, Pray, Love.”

There he suggests that one must make his own way.

That is, to do what one needs or does one good.

In this way, things can be arranged so that one is ready to find love.

And using this as an example, I dare to ask you the following:

Don’t you think it’s wrong to think about “finding or looking for a partner”?

Wouldn’t it be better for love to come to you?

Because?

Because that means you’re in full swing and you want a pair.

That you are your best version.

And that does not imply that you have lost those 10 extra kilos that you think you have, but rather what you emanate from.

You take care of yourself and believe in yourself, others see it and are attracted to it.

Going out to fish as a partner, as if it were a sport, will never come to fruition.

You don’t need someone to fill a void.

Whoever finds his complement is because he is already full and ready for a life partner.

2) Think about what you offer

As I mentioned before, expectations and demands often make it difficult to form a couple.

But focusing only on what one wants and expects is not the solution to have a new love.

Have you thought about what you have to offer in a relationship?

That is, what would make a new person approach you or feel attracted to you?

Many consider that having money, property or a good job position is enough.

And they go out looking for that new person with very high expectations.

Clearly, not having financial problems or feeling professionally fulfilled is an attractive advantage for anyone.

However, several end up getting frustrated, because they can’t meet or maintain a bond with someone.

Sometimes, the arrogance or desire to show or pretend more to provide security, drives away.

So what is it about?

It is about looking in the mirror sensibly and sincerely.

And understand that, just as one looks for someone with demands and the past on their backs, the other…